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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-16 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-16 Pub. Date: 2019-10-16
Image Number: 179916
Caption: I counted fifteen punctuation errors on your site in the past five years, Lemont. It's not a huge number, but it's the kind of thing that can damage your Q rating. I propose a 3-phase operation: Hire an editor to prevent future occurrences … Have my people scrub all your past articles to correct every error ... and have a foreign troll farm impugn the intelligence of anyone who's ever pointed out those errors. When's your vacation over? You really need to go back to work.
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-15 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-15 Pub. Date: 2019-10-15
Image Number: 179915
Caption: What do you think like will be like in the year 2036? I take it you mean for those of us who survive the upcoming world war? It'll be awesome. We've got 7.7 billion people on earth. That's why too many. But after the autocrats get their war, we'll have maybe 100,000 left. There'll only be a handful of people in any given city. Not counting mutants. I feel like we've had this conversation before, Lemont. The nuclear wasteland is going to have very affordable housing. Dios mio.
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-14 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-14 Pub. Date: 2019-10-14
Image Number: 179914
Caption: 1982. What do you think life'll be like in the year 2019? I take it you mean for those of us who survive the nuclear Armageddon. It'll be pretty rad. We've got 4.6 billion people on earth right now. That's way too much. After the nuclear war, we'll have maybe 10,000 people left. We'll have to scrounge to survive. There will be no time for hate. No time for chores. No time for homework. The nuclear wasteland will be a paradise. I like when you're optimistic.
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-11 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-11 Pub. Date: 2019-10-11
Image Number: 179808
Caption: Facebook Messages. From Sasha Mitchell. Lemont? It's been a while. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of visiting your city. And? Are you saying you'd like to visit me? Are you hoping to rekindle our passionate love affair? Are you going to explain why you told me we'd run away together and be happy and then you DISAPPEARED for years? Well it doesn't matter, because I have a girlfriend. Tap tap tap ta- Delete delete delete. Tap tap tap t- Cool. Have a good time. Thank you.
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-29 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-29 Pub. Date: 2019-09-29
Image Number: 179616
Caption: I'm tired of working, Randy. One of my ancestors put it best. It was the early days of the Roman Republic. Randius Taylorus Maximus was a soldier in the Roman phalanx. That bored him to death. All the clumsy formations, all the cumbersome gear, all the losing ... so he deserted and joined up with the Spartans. That's where he stopped working for a living, and got to do what he loved. He got to oil up and go into battle half-naked, with nothing but his shield, his sword and his loincloth. Years later, he adventured across the world on the back of Tito, the last living woolly mammoth. That's when he met Buddha, who took credit for Randius' motto: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I just meant I felt like taking a nap.
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-27 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-27 Pub. Date: 2019-09-27
Image Number: 179621
Caption: I left the Chronicle years ago to start my own site. But now they want me to collaborate with them on a story. The questions is: Do you think you'd be moving backward? What're you talkin -- I didn't ask if you though I'd be moving backward. Are you wearing earbuds? Um ... Do you often imagine people are wearing earbuds?
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-19 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-19 Pub. Date: 2019-09-19
Image Number: 179501
Caption: What'd you want to talk about, Lemont? Susan … How do I say this? Every seven years, the Vulcan male experiences Pon Farr and has to return home to mate, or die. I'll put it another way: Even the most blood-thirsty Klingon warrior eventually needs to find his Parmaqqay. Put it another way. Every incarnation of Doctor Who needs a companion?
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-18 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-18 Pub. Date: 2019-09-18
Image Number: 179500
Caption: Mr. Fitzhugh, I'm not happy about the change you made to my Slim-Swift ad. It's deceptive. Nonsense. Yayle. CEO of the Year 2002. Slim-Swift has not been proven to cause any weight loss at all. And? You write Lose ten pounds in five seconds. Cash is surprisingly heavy, Garcia.
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-26 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-26 Pub. Date: 2019-08-26
Image Number: 179191
Caption: Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? That was weeks ago. Exactly. A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date. A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion. Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels. A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure.
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-19 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-19 Pub. Date: 2019-08-19
Image Number: 179093
Caption: Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-18 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-18 Pub. Date: 2019-08-18
Image Number: 178993
Caption: Kelly messaged me again. After a year of silence. She sent me a photo of an ice cube tray. No words or anything. Just the photo. Dr. Noodle. How did that make you feel? Like she was trying to tell me something. So I studied the picture for a long time. And then it occurred to me: I'd seen that ice cube tray before! it was mine! In my freshman year of college, she stole it and refused to give it back. I see. What do you think this means? I think it means she still loves me with the same passion she felt for me back then, and that she wants me to drop everything and fly to her and run off with her into the sunset. Sometimes, narcissists will play games just to make sure others are thing about the ... When I asked what it meant, she said That hurts and blocked me!
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-13 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-13 Pub. Date: 2019-08-13
Image Number: 178995
Caption: Sir, why did you change my health insurance to a plan that doesn't cover contraceptives? President Trump issues a ruling allowing employers to refuse to cover any procedures that we disagree with either religiously or morally. And you have a moral objection to women controlling their own bodies? I have a moral objection to not saving a few bucks a month. Yayle. CEO of the year 2002.,
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-08 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-08 Pub. Date: 2019-08-08
Image Number: 178909
Caption: Remember how I said ICE detained that 18-year-old American citizen for nearly a month? He said when they finally let him go, he'd lost over 20 pounds because food was scarce in the camp. Detainees have said the older kids often give their rations to the little ones to keep them from crying because the crying angers the guards. What country is this?! Careful, if they think you don't know, they might come for you.
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-06 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-06 Pub. Date: 2019-08-06
Image Number: 178907
Caption: ICE and border patrol are really detaining Americans? Even American children. Back in March, they detained nin-year-old Julia Medina for 36 hours and interrogated her without her parents. She's an American who lives in Tijuana, and she had her passport. They tried to get her 14-year-old brother to say she was his cousin. What? Why? I asked them then they asked me for my passport. So I panicked and jumped into a passing freight train ... But I'll make a follow-up call tomorrow.
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-05 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-05 Pub. Date: 2019-08-05
Image Number: 178904
Caption: Did you know ICE and border patrol are detaining American citizens now? So far it's just a few. They detained 18-year-old Francisco Erwin Galicia for almost a month … even though he showed his state ID and his social security card. His mom showed them his birth certificate proving he was born in Dallas. But they still wouldn't release him ... not until the Dallas morning news reported on it. I still agree with the readers who said it was crude for you to title your article The Press is the Enema of the People.
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-25 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-25 Pub. Date: 2019-07-25
Image Number: 178672
Caption: How is it racist for the President to tell four black and brown congresswomen to go back where they came from? You libs are such hypocrites. You whined for years about the President not believing in your so-called science. Now that he's fully embraced science, all of a sudden that's racism. I have no idea what you're going on about. Evolution. Duh. He was clearly saying they should visit Africa, where we all come from. Why do you hate science?
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-20 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-20 Pub. Date: 2019-07-20
Image Number: 178564
Caption: Sadie, how can I convince my husband that a vacation is worth paying for? Excellent question. In my day, vacations were an essential component of a successful marriage. I would get two weeks a year to don a bikini, sit on a tropical beach amidst coconuts and oiled-up cabana boys, and recharge my yelling voice. And he would stay home working and have two weeks to live in dread of my imminent return. It was a win-win situation, really. What were we talking about again? Um ... nothing. Thanks.
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-14 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-14 Pub. Date: 2019-07-14
Image Number: 178556
Caption: According to Elon Musk, time travel is possible. I can't wait to time-travel. Elon Musk said time travel is possible? Well, not in so many words. He said it's almost a certainty that we're living in a simulation being run by our descendants in the distant future. His reasoning makes sense. In just my lifetime, we went from "Pac-Man" to "The Sims," where Sims live, work, fall in love, have kids ... and in a few decades, the Sims will be artificially intelligent and they'll actually believe they're experiencing all that. If we're artificially intelligent Sims, then anything is possible. What time travel to be possible? Just wait for the Great Programmer to install the "time travel" expansion pack. Want to live forever? Get him to install the "immortality" expansion pack. According to Elon Musk, I'm one expansion pack away from being a billionaire playboy. Nothing doing. the Great Programmer exhausted all his "miracle" expansion packs 2,000 years ago. But he's still got some "delusion" expansions. (This cartoon was originally published on 2016-07-10).
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-08 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-08 Pub. Date: 2019-07-08
Image Number: 178420
Caption: I'm gonna be barbecuing tomorrow. I'm all set up. The grill's on the fire escape … The meat's marinating in the fridge … my apron's scorch marks have been patched over … I've got nine bottles of lighter fluid for when I can't get the coals to heat up … Can't make it. I've finished paying off the damages from last year ...
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-30 year 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-30 Pub. Date: 2019-06-30
Image Number: 178274
Caption: I'm unpoor! You're what? You're looking at an employed man. After seven years of unemployment, I just got a job at Walmart. It pays slightly more than minimum wage. Congrats. The first thing I'm going to do with my newfound wealth is buy a new pair of boxers. I haven't bought a new pair of boxers since 2012. America is great again, baby!
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