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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-22 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-22 Pub. Date: 2018-07-22
Image Number: 172923
Caption: Dear "Critic," I read your article about how Star Trek gets its own impulse drive all wrong. You said that even though Star Trek SAYS it's not faster than light, it HAS to be, because of all the times they said they had to leave the star system before jumping to warp speed. Sigh ... not again ... Impulse drive is not faster than light!!! you're a two-dimensional thinker. Has it occurred to you they could leave a star system by flying UP, out of the ecliptic plane? Moron!!! Dear reader, light passing Jupiter would take 250 minutes to reach Neptune. But in the season finale of Star Trek: Discovery, they start a conversation as they're passing Jupiter, end it ten seconds later as they're passing Neptune ... Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap t - ... at which point the captain says Have we left the Sol system? The navigator says yes, and the captain says Take us to warp ... I rest my case. I was wrong. I was wrong. Just once let someone restore my faith in humanity by just admitting they were wrong. Discovery isn't REAL Star Trek.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-03 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-03 Pub. Date: 2018-06-03
Image Number: 171757
Caption: What's wrong wit' you, Big L? Nothing makes sense anymore. In Star Trek, they almost never jump warp speed until they've left a star system. It takes light from the sun about eight minutes to reach earth. It takes 5.3 hours for that same sunlight to reach Pluto. And yet, it only takes the Enterprise one minute or so to leave a star system. Don't you see ... Every time they use their impulse drive to leave a star system they're still traveling faster than light. But they're not yet warping space. That means they should be affected by time dilation. For every second that passes for them, weeks or months should pass back on earth. Just like e'ry second of this conversation for you be like months for me. Exactly! Even you can understand that!
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-07 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-07 Pub. Date: 2018-04-07
Image Number: 170153
Caption: You know a good way to tell your friend his breath remind you of barnyard animals? My breath is just fine, Clyde. You sound defensive, bruh. Of course, I do. You said something about me that isn't true, so I'm defending myself. That's what's wrong with America: Every time an innocent person defends himself, people say that's proof he's guilty. There you go again with your defense-tivity. Your breath must be worse than I though. I'm going to quit while I'm behind.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-14 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-14 Pub. Date: 2018-03-14
Image Number: 169395
Caption: The Huffington Post keeps deleting my comments every time I write anything even remotely negative about establishment Democrats. You one to talk. You keep deleting e're comment I pot on your own news site. That's totally different. I wrong an article about how water, inaction and institutional racism are still poisoning people in Flint, Michigan. Your response was totally out of line. No, it was high-level satire. His is lemme barrow $3 satire? I even posted a satirical link to my Paypal.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-13 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-13 Pub. Date: 2017-12-13
Image Number: 166003
Caption: What's wrong with you? Maybe it's the looming holidays, Rosencrantz. What does it bespeak of society that they've set aside that they've set aside a certain span of days on the calendar in which to be nice to one another? Am I the only one perturbed by a straitjacket of forced niceties people wrap themselves in? ... Am I the only one who so much as notices it? I told you, Tyrone, just because I got you something doesn't mean you have to get me something. See? Any other time of year, you'd whine about it! They got you too!
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-07 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-07 Pub. Date: 2017-12-07
Image Number: 165706
Caption: Merry Christmas, young brother … I said, Merry Christmas. It's a time of joy and happiness. You're supposed to say "Merry Christmas" back. What's wrong with people? Doesn't anyone have any manners anymore? I hate everybody!!! What jus' happened?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-02 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-02 Pub. Date: 2017-12-02
Image Number: 165422
Caption: There's a lot of bad news. It's making me a little depressed. C-Dogs Incredibly Bad Advice $2. That one easy, bruh. Ere'time you hear news you don't like, call it "fake." They say someone you like did wrong? Must be fake. They say your car cause pollution? Must be fake. They say you got cancer. Fake fake fake. The ancient Buddhists say reality all in our heads, or some spit like that there. I'll give it a try.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-10 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-10 Pub. Date: 2017-11-10
Image Number: 164653
Caption: 1982. When I grow up, I want to be a single dad, Lemont. You mean "single mom"? Are you kidding? Compare "Alice" or "Gloria" or "One Day at a Time" with "Diff'rent Strokes" or "Silver Spoons." Single moms all struggle for long hours in dead-end, low-wage jobs. But single dads are all millionaires who don't seem to need jobs at all. My goal in life is to prove tv wrong, is what I'm saying. Fred Sanford's a single dad and he's always having heart attacks.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-03 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-03 Pub. Date: 2017-11-03
Image Number: 164419
Caption: You've been sighing a lot. What's wrong, Lemont? I reject that whole theory. A sigh isn't proof of a troubled mind. It's just a biological function. Every mammal on earth sighs. The average person sighs once every five minutes! Ipso facto, sighing five times every minute is pretty much the same thing. "Ipso facto" isn't really a thing.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-21 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-21 Pub. Date: 2017-08-21
Image Number: 161800
Caption: You remember that racist KKK/Nazi/White-supremacist rally in Charlottesville? 'Course, bruh. I think I may have really touched all those people I usually argue with online. Ever since that terrorist rally, every time I write that there's nothing wrong with having lots of women and minorities on the new Star Trek show, not a single person has dismissed me as a "cuck" or a "beta" or a "virtue-signaller" or a "social justice warrior." You think maybe because of Charlottesville, all the social injustice warriors have had an awakening? Nah, they probably just on vacation, like Congress.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-20 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-20 Pub. Date: 2017-02-20
Image Number: 154801
Caption: Well, you look down, Lemont. What's wrong? What could possibly be wrong? Today, the White House revoked my press credentials for asking one too many questions about their secret ties to Russia … and the Democratic party revoked my press credentials for asking one too many times why they're still using the same loser strategists ... and my baby boy revoked my dad credentials for turning off "Octonauts" one too many times. We all have bad days.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-11 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-11 Pub. Date: 2017-02-11
Image Number: 154242
Caption: What's wrong with you? I thought sitting on the sidewalk crack would make me happier. But after the initial thrill wore off, it became apparent to me it was no different from sitting beside it. This upends the entire paradigm, Rosencrantz. It means the hereafter is no happier than the ... the therebefore. I'm pretty sure "therebefore" hasn't been an actual word for a long, long time, Tyrone. And has that realization made you any happier?
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-11 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-11 Pub. Date: 2017-01-11
Image Number: 153088
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I was playing "Simcity" the other day when it occurred to me … We may all be just a computer simulation. There's evidence of that everywhere. All computer programs have glitches, for instance. We see those glitches all the time. We call them "deja vu." I'm pretty sure we've had this conversation before. I knew you were going to say that.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-07 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-07 Pub. Date: 2017-01-07
Image Number: 152860
Caption: Hello, wrong number, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Yes, I am absolutely sure I'm not the person you're trying to call. Feel free to call back a third time just in case I've realized I actually AM the person I'm not. Beep.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-21 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-21 Pub. Date: 2016-12-21
Image Number: 152371
Caption: Ok … but what actually happened when you and Vancouver saw each other again? I want details! Well, after we spent a few days making up for lost time … After we were convinced that our entire lives led us to this point and we were meant to be together ... Oh wait, my pants are vibrating. I'm getting a call. For some reason, I'm starting to sense it all went horribly wrong. Y'know, what I just said to you would've made no sense at all when we were kids.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-11 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-11 Pub. Date: 2016-12-11
Image Number: 151363
Caption: Grandpa's 97th birthday is coming up. I have no idea how to time my gifts for him. Dr. Noodle. What do you mean "time" gifts? One year, I bought him a new set of dominoes, and he hated it. He gave it to the mailman. The next year, my sister bought him the very same set, and he loved it. He brags about it to me all the time. The next year, I bought him a gold pocket watch. He gave that to the pizza delivery guy. My sister gave him the same one the following year and he loves it so much that he's always putting it in my face and asking me what time it is. Maybe we should talk about the concept of "denial." Ok. But after we talk about why I keep picking the right presents in the wrong years.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-12 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-12 Pub. Date: 2016-11-12
Image Number: 150717
Caption: 1982. Do you believe in E.T.'s, Lemont? I believe in everything, Susan. Ghosts? Check. Vampires? Check. Frankenstein? Check. Bigfoot? Check. Mummies? Check. Time travel? Check. Atlantis? No. Wait … check. Then Mrs. Washington is dead wrong about you. I AM a well-rounded individual.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-09 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-09 Pub. Date: 2016-11-09
Image Number: 150714
Caption: Lemont runs into a curious stranger at the American Pub in Vancouver. On my earth, America voted wrong. WW III Vet. I was kind of hoping that wouldn't happen here. Well … that's nice. Not really. He's in search of the best possible earth. There, he'll dispose of "Lemont" and assume his identity. You know what they say about assuming. Do you have to say that every ... single ... time?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-12 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-12 Pub. Date: 2016-08-12
Image Number: 147069
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I decided to show my son the same cartoons I saw as a kid. So I Youtubed "Casper the Friendly Ghost." He liked it, but all I could think about was "Hey … that's a dead kid who's not allowed to go to heaven … He's condemned to roam the earth forever, trying in vain to make friends. And every time he fails, he tries to off himself." So those stories were fine for you but not for your kid? So then we watched the Smurfs, and I was like, "This is a caste system!"
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-24 wrong time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-24 Pub. Date: 2016-04-24
Image Number: 141854
Caption: What's wrong wit' you, Big L? Nothing makes sense anymore. In Star Trek, they almost never jump to warp speed until they've left a star system. It takes light from the sun about eight minutes to reach earth. It takes 5.3 hours for that same sunlight to reach Pluto. And yet, it only takes the Enterprise one minute or so to leave a star system. Don't you see ... every time they use their impulse drive to leave a star system, they're still traveling faster than light. But they're not yet warping space. That means they should be affected by time dilation. For every second that passes for them, weeks or months should pass back on earth. Just like e'ry second of this conversation for you be like months for me. Exactly! Even you can understand that!
     
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