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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-05 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-05 Pub. Date: 2019-09-05
Image Number: 179297
Caption: When I was ten, I wrote a short story about a future dystopian earth … in which white supremacists had infiltrated everything from the local police departments to the Oval Office. Propaganda had brainwashed half the country. Our votes no longer counted. Our President was a conniving would-be dictator who was imprisoning children. Toward the end, I had the Amazon rainforest burning up and dying. No ... I still don't believe the 21st century is all your fault. I even depicted Bill Cosby in prison ... Although for a totally different reason.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-21 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-21 Pub. Date: 2019-08-21
Image Number: 179095
Caption: Writing a memoir is hard, Clyde, mostly because of the Rashomon Effect. The what-a-man what? The Rashomon Effect. Everyone remember events differently. For instance, everyone I interviewed recalled the Banana Scandal from my fifth birthday party differently from the way I remember it. I remember that. That was disgusting what you had that gobots toy do with that banana. See?! There was no gobot!
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-20 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-20 Pub. Date: 2019-08-20
Image Number: 179094
Caption: Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-19 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-19 Pub. Date: 2019-08-19
Image Number: 179093
Caption: Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-30 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-30 Pub. Date: 2019-07-30
Image Number: 178782
Caption: Today on the Ask Sadie Show, we'll be addressing one single topic: Elizabeth Warren. As many of you have correctly guessed … I've been ghost-writing all of her Donald Trump-related speeches and tweets. That's why she's been tearing him a new one lately. Sadie's lady's coming for you, Donald!!! ... But I would like all my listeners to write to Liz and ask her to stop leaving out all my well-crafted expletives.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-17 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-17 Pub. Date: 2019-07-17
Image Number: 178561
Caption: Did you know comic strips are written weeks, sometimes months, in advance? Nope. Sometimes it leads to embarrassment. For instance, I was reading my favorite strip Bluntburg. It was lampooning the Robert Mueller testimony before Congress that was scheduled for today. How was the cartoonist to know weeks ago that Congress would be closed today because of a freak elephant stampede? Did that really happen today? Maybe.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-06 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-06 Pub. Date: 2019-07-06
Image Number: 178395
Caption: So your mom self-published your rough draft to Amazon, costing you a six-figure book deal you already had. Why on earth are you smiling? She did it by accident. She thought she was just making a copy for herself. In any case, it means Momma loves my work. That's a really sweet attitude, Lemont. I'm proud of you. And for the rest of the time, I'll have something to throw in her face when she guilt-trips me.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-05 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-05 Pub. Date: 2019-07-05
Image Number: 178394
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I emailed Momma the rough draft of my memoir. I just wanted to know if my recollection of the scandalous patty-cake incident from preschool was accurate. Momma self-published it on Amazon. My book agent's furious, and two publishers have retracted their six-figure bids! On the bright side, now you have a story for your next memoir. She title it Look at What my Baby Wrote.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-04 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-04 Pub. Date: 2019-07-04
Image Number: 178393
Caption: I finished reading the rough draft of your memoir, Lemont. Cool. The problem was, I realized that all my stories involved other people, who might not want me to write about them. So I wrote a mathematical formula to determine whether the juiciness of the story was greater than my desire to keep that person's friendship. Pretty lame excuse for not even mentioning me once in your memoir, best friend. No, it's a compliment, really.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-13 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-13 Pub. Date: 2019-06-13
Image Number: 178023
Caption: I've narrowed down the list of who I want to write the foreword to my next book, Clyde. The ones that made the cut are Slimeball, Slippery James, Puppet Jones, Lamb the Sham, McMuffin, Fat Jerry, Crazy Nancy, Wacky Jacky, Pencil Neck, Mr. Magoo, Dumb as a Rock, and Mr. Peepers. I would've chosen The Dumbest Man on Television, but he was kind of standoffish when we met. Psycho Joe was surprisingly friendly. In other words, you still upset the President ain't nicknamed you.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-12 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-12 Pub. Date: 2019-06-12
Image Number: 178022
Caption: What do you mean? I mean, you need an assistant, bruh. For what? I write all my site's articles, I take all the photos, I film all the videos, I sell all the ads … and everything's just how I like it. Then I get someone to do all the unimportant @#$%, like gettin' you lunch. Last time I did that, my lunches kept coming half-eaten. No, I told you, that's how they made it.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-10 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-10 Pub. Date: 2019-06-10
Image Number: 178020
Caption: … So I said Yeah, I self-publish my own books. You know why? … Because it's not 1950 anymore. By self-publishing I keep all the profits. And since most people buy online, I can sell just as many books as a traditional publisher … So stop mocking for it. Bruh ... that was no way to talk to your momma.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-05 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-05 Pub. Date: 2019-06-05
Image Number: 177954
Caption: Hello, Fox News? This is Lemont Brown with candorville.com. I'm writing an article about the doctored video you aired, and I'm wondering if I could get a copy of it … No, not the one about Planned Parenthood … No, not the one about ACORN … No, not the one about CNN. I want the one about the Congresswoman ... No, the one about the other Congresswoman ... No ...
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-30 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-30 Pub. Date: 2019-05-30
Image Number: 177796
Caption: Hello, me. I'm you from the future. I've come back in time to ask you to write in your journal more often. You know all those incredible little moments and all those profound or funny things your little boy says that make you think I'll never forget that? Well guess what? You've forgotten them all. Also, make sure you write about butterflies, panda bears and our democracy. Zzzzz.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-27 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-27 Pub. Date: 2019-05-27
Image Number: 177788
Caption: How come all your social media say you at the National Writers Society annual convention right now? You was there last week. You here now, bruh. Isn't it obvious, Clyde? I don't want burglars to know when I'm not in town. That's just paranoid, Big L. Since when is it paranoid to always time-shift my life by one week? There wasn't -- I mean, there prolly wasn't nothin' in your apartment worth stealin' no way.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-29 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-29 Pub. Date: 2019-04-29
Image Number: 177383
Caption: Lemont? How come you kept sending me straight to voicemail all weekend? It wasn't 'cause they're announcing the Pulitzer Prize winners today and I thought they might call the winners over the weekend. I wasn't hoping to win or anything. I already know I'm a good writer. I don't need external validation. You're the worst liar in the world. Is there an award for that?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-07 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-07 Pub. Date: 2019-04-07
Image Number: 176834
Caption: I haven't taken a vacation in fifteen years. Wait a minute … didn't you say something about visiting Bermuda? Wasn't that just, like, a year ago? That was business. I was selling collectibles. And two years ago, didn't you say something about snorkeling off Noanoa Island? Newsweak. That was business. I was chipping off some of the last living pieced of our dying coral reefs, and selling them on the black market. If you can write it off, it's not a vacation. Didn't you just get back from Hawaii? That was business ...
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-17 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-17 Pub. Date: 2019-03-17
Image Number: 176613
Caption: Dear journalist, I am offended by your biased hit-piece condemning so-called Fake News. You wrote … some of these sites main sources seem to be their rear ends. Who are YOU to say what's fake and what's real? I don't know that your sources are any more real than my rear end. I know my rear end. I trust my rear end. you, one the other hand, are a total stranger to me. There's an old saying, doofus: Trust is in the eye of the beholder. That's actually Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Oh, I suppose one of your sources told you that? Sad! Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-15 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-15 Pub. Date: 2019-03-15
Image Number: 176728
Caption: You sure in trouble now, Big L. All I did was write an article quoting what Ilhan Omar actually said … and pointing out that most of the people we see loudly insisting it was antisemetic seem to not be Jewish. I've seen a lot of Jewish people coming to her defense. So maybe it's more complicated. That's all I wrote ... so I have no idea why Congress passed a resolution against me. Ain't nobody in the mood for complicated no more, bruh.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-14 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-14 Pub. Date: 2019-03-14
Image Number: 176727
Caption: Well, you look down, Lemont. What's wrong? What could possibly be wrong? Today, the White House revoked my press credentials for asking one too many questions about Jared's security clearance … and the Democratic party revoked my press credentials for asking one too many questions about the whole Israel issue ... and Dizzyland revoked my season pass because of that expose I wrote about their horrible hourly pay. I still can't believe so many of their Ricky Mouses and Ronald Ducks are homeless.
     
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