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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-14 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-14 Pub. Date: 2020-01-14
Image Number: 181259
Caption: … and then halfway into your article, you turned into a terrorist-lover. What? You wrote Just a little while ago, when the general we just assassinated was leading the fight to crush ISIS, we were all praising him. You wrote When we get on our high horse about freedom and liberty, much of the world wants to gag because they notice how we love butchers until we no longer need them. How's that make me a terrorist-lover? When we get introspective, the terrorists win.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-13 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-13 Pub. Date: 2020-01-13
Image Number: 181258
Caption: That article you wrote about how we got to the brink of war with Iran was fake news! How so? You wrote it all started in 1953 when out CIA overthrew Iran's democratically elected leader and installed a dictator. That's preposterous! How so? Everyone knows history didn't even start in Iran until 1979.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-07 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-07 Pub. Date: 2020-01-07
Image Number: 181113
Caption: Governor Newsom sure came down on you for that article you wrote about Mayor Pete's fancy wine cave fundraisers. Yeah. He said There are literally hundreds of Democrats that have been in that same cave … which was a good point. So I wrote a new article called When everyone is corrupt, then no one is corrupt. Hate the game, not the player, Lemont. Aphorisms are just 2% less lazy than memes, Susan. I hit dog will holler. Stop that.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-11 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-11 Pub. Date: 2019-12-11
Image Number: 180767
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested pull her hair ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-08 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-08 Pub. Date: 2019-12-08
Image Number: 180640
Caption: Last week, a drunk driver almost ran me off the road. Dr. Noodle. So I tweeted Drunk drivers are the worst. Some guy replied What about violent criminals? He wrote They kill people and take their stuff on purpose. Why are you minimizing violent crime? I replied This is stupid. Then someone else replied that I'm heartless for writing that Caring about violent crime is stupid. I replied with That's not what I said! Have you considered that social media is a waste of time? Someone else replied He's denying it. That's proof he know he got caught.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-01 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-01 Pub. Date: 2019-12-01
Image Number: 180584
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about how California should do a public takeover of that PG&E utility company … just because they seem to keep starting massive wildfires. And to stop that they keep turning off power for millions of people. Yeah. The state's publicly-owned utilities like SMUD and Silicon Valley Power don't seem to get themselves into these predicaments. Maybe that's because they don't spend their money on lobbyists, fancy dinners, huge salaries, or dividend payments. Yeah, but Venezuela. Um ... What? That's the universally recognized trump card for any conversation. So declared by the International Association of Weaselly Arguments. I don't recognize their authority. Venezuela.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-19 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-19 Pub. Date: 2019-11-19
Image Number: 180465
Caption: President been caught usin' money from his charity to buy a six-foot painting of hisself. 45 been caught defrauding students at his fake university. He been caught extorting Ukraine into interfering in the next election. An' his entire political party keep enablin' it all by makin' excuse after excuse for him ... an' smearing erebody who investigates him. Whatever, Clyde. I'm a serious journalist, I'm not going to write a hit piece about the cop who caught you jaywalking.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-17 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-17 Pub. Date: 2019-11-17
Image Number: 180297
Caption: … So I told him, Tolstoy once wrote: Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. But he just looked at me funny and then handed me the diaper anyway. Told you inspirational quotes ain't potty-trainin' nobody.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-14 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-14 Pub. Date: 2019-11-14
Image Number: 180301
Caption: Remember when we were kids, you wanted to write a story about a white slave in an alternate-universe America run by black slave owners? I've been wanting to read that book ever since. You should really write it. How do you remember that? I don't even remember that. That's why I explained to you the importance of keeping a meticulous journal, on April 11th, 1982. I don't remember that.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-13 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-13 Pub. Date: 2019-11-13
Image Number: 180300
Caption: 1982. When I grow up, I want to write Roots 2, where we find out it was all just a dream. Kunta Kinte's dream? No, Chad Cunningham's dream. He's a white slave in a society run by black slave owners, in a world colonized by Africans instead of Europeans. Now do Wizard of Oz. A munchkin finds himself in Kansas, being chased by an angry sheriff ...
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-11 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-11 Pub. Date: 2019-11-11
Image Number: 180298
Caption: 1982. You want to be what, Lemont? A Jedi. I'm already practicing. But that's just a movie, Lemont. It's not really real. I think all stories are real. I think writers only think they made them up. I think what's really going on is, the universe is alive. And writers are the universe's way of remembering incidents that really happened. Is this about how Mrs. Drake gave your book report an F? My remembering of the incident is every bit as valid as the author's.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-29 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-29 Pub. Date: 2019-10-29
Image Number: 180103
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? A lot of my readers have turned one me. All because I wrote an article called The New McCarthyism about how Democrats took legit intelligence about Russian interfering in our elections … and went way too far with it. Now, one Democrat will accuse another Democrat of being a Russian bot if that Democrat even mildly critiques a Democrat that Democrat likes. You sound like a Russian bot. That's what my readers said.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-28 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-28 Pub. Date: 2019-10-28
Image Number: 180102
Caption: I wish you'd stop bashing Hillary Clinton, Lemont. I didn't bash her. All I did was write an article saying it was irresponsible to accuse Tulsi Gabbard of being a stooge of Russia without better evidence. I didn't know you were a Tulsi supporter. You don't have to be a supporter to speak up when someone's treated unfairly. What species do you think you belong to? Homo Fairpiens.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-09 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-09 Pub. Date: 2019-10-09
Image Number: 179806
Caption: I'm using reader feedback to perfect a book I'm writing called Lemont's Axioms of the Internet. Ooh. Tell me more. I posted my first axiom on my site and waited for the comments. What's the axiom? Lemont's first axiom: People who start a reply with actually almost always go on to write something that's utter nonsense. Actually, I think that's very observant of you, Lemont. 89 percent of my readers wrote exactly the same thing.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-05 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-05 Pub. Date: 2019-09-05
Image Number: 179297
Caption: When I was ten, I wrote a short story about a future dystopian earth … in which white supremacists had infiltrated everything from the local police departments to the Oval Office. Propaganda had brainwashed half the country. Our votes no longer counted. Our President was a conniving would-be dictator who was imprisoning children. Toward the end, I had the Amazon rainforest burning up and dying. No ... I still don't believe the 21st century is all your fault. I even depicted Bill Cosby in prison ... Although for a totally different reason.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-21 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-21 Pub. Date: 2019-08-21
Image Number: 179095
Caption: Writing a memoir is hard, Clyde, mostly because of the Rashomon Effect. The what-a-man what? The Rashomon Effect. Everyone remember events differently. For instance, everyone I interviewed recalled the Banana Scandal from my fifth birthday party differently from the way I remember it. I remember that. That was disgusting what you had that gobots toy do with that banana. See?! There was no gobot!
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-20 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-20 Pub. Date: 2019-08-20
Image Number: 179094
Caption: Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-19 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-19 Pub. Date: 2019-08-19
Image Number: 179093
Caption: Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-30 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-30 Pub. Date: 2019-07-30
Image Number: 178782
Caption: Today on the Ask Sadie Show, we'll be addressing one single topic: Elizabeth Warren. As many of you have correctly guessed … I've been ghost-writing all of her Donald Trump-related speeches and tweets. That's why she's been tearing him a new one lately. Sadie's lady's coming for you, Donald!!! ... But I would like all my listeners to write to Liz and ask her to stop leaving out all my well-crafted expletives.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-17 writing 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-17 Pub. Date: 2019-07-17
Image Number: 178561
Caption: Did you know comic strips are written weeks, sometimes months, in advance? Nope. Sometimes it leads to embarrassment. For instance, I was reading my favorite strip Bluntburg. It was lampooning the Robert Mueller testimony before Congress that was scheduled for today. How was the cartoonist to know weeks ago that Congress would be closed today because of a freak elephant stampede? Did that really happen today? Maybe.
     
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