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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-26 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-26 Pub. Date: 2020-01-26
Image Number: 181363
Caption: The other day, my boy asked me if we could paint our toenails green. I said Sure, why not? without even thinking twice about it, and I painted his nails. Later that night, it occurred to me that in my day, that would've been unheard of, if I'd asked my pop to paint my toenails, he'd have accused me of being gay. And then it occurred to me, even the notion that it's an accusation is ancient history now. If someone said my boy was gay, I'd be like Ok. And? And then it occurred to me, there are millions of people in this country who still can't say And then it occurred to them, because they're all still stuck in the past. So did you paint your nails green too? @#$% no.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-08 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-08 Pub. Date: 2020-01-08
Image Number: 181114
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I just learned that our galaxy has not arms. Scientists discovered the Milky Way's spiral arms are not physical structures after all. They're magnetic density fields. Stars and matter don't live in any particular arm. Instead they move into and out of these dense fields all the time. Were you going to say this is like being homeless? Because that would be very insensitive. I was ... not. I was not.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-19 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-19 Pub. Date: 2019-12-19
Image Number: 180858
Caption: I asked Momma why she has Hazel Scott's piano in her basement. What'd she say? She said back in the 1930s, my Grandma played in an all-women's band with Hazel Scott in New York. She wouldn't tell me how she got the piano, but she said it involved a poker game, a bottle of scotch and Eleanor Roosevelt. You ever get the impression the older folks had more interesting lives than we do? They had no Twitter, so they had to go do stuff.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-06 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-06 Pub. Date: 2019-11-06
Image Number: 180253
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window and saw the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib- Lionel later told me he'd called anonymously, using the name Daniel Tiger, so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-23 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-23 Pub. Date: 2019-10-23
Image Number: 180022
Caption: I recommend Roscoe's Rib Shack on 47th, Burgerville on G Street, or PudgeBurger on Market. Oh, how I would love to eat there with YOU, Lemont. I'm free today, Sasha. Want to meet there for lunch? Facebook. Messages. From Sasha Mitchell. I wish I could, Sunshine. I have some thing to do during the day. I am free tonight, though. You could come to my hotel room, like at around 2a.m. If you'd like to. I don't think PudgeBurger delivers at 2a.m. That's not ... Oh, never mind. Tap tap tap t-
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-25 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-25 Pub. Date: 2019-09-25
Image Number: 179619
Caption: Clyde, how would you feel about composing music for commercials? What? Well, our in-house composer just perished in a freak Beluga whale accident, so … we're hiring. Who we is? You've known me since we were six … you don't … you don't even care what I do for a living, do you? Since when do not havin' no interest in somethin' mean a person don't care?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-31 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-31 Pub. Date: 2019-08-31
Image Number: 179196
Caption: We're back from Canada. What happened? Mommy tried getting in, but they said Trump's racist Twitter rants are not grounds for refugee status. Well, welcome back. The country wouldn't have been the same without its future low-paid, debt-laden workforce. What? ... I mean, without you.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-10 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-10 Pub. Date: 2019-08-10
Image Number: 178911
Caption: R. Kelly's crisis manager said he wouldn't leave his teenage daughter alone with him, an' then quit. Wait a second … a big PR agency just quit representing one of the private border camps where migrants are being mistreated. Could it be the country's actually growing a conflux? ... I mean, a concave? ... I mean, a conglomerate? The word conscience ain't been used much lately. it'll come to me!!!
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-05 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-05 Pub. Date: 2019-08-05
Image Number: 178904
Caption: Did you know ICE and border patrol are detaining American citizens now? So far it's just a few. They detained 18-year-old Francisco Erwin Galicia for almost a month … even though he showed his state ID and his social security card. His mom showed them his birth certificate proving he was born in Dallas. But they still wouldn't release him ... not until the Dallas morning news reported on it. I still agree with the readers who said it was crude for you to title your article The Press is the Enema of the People.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-29 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-29 Pub. Date: 2019-07-29
Image Number: 178781
Caption: Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character. I thought my job depended on it. I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal. You said Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy ... that's just a figure of speech. You went on to say I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech. That was a figure of speech too.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-15 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-15 Pub. Date: 2019-07-15
Image Number: 178559
Caption: Scientists recently discovered billions of tons of bacteria and microbes living hundreds of meters inside earth. You're not going to tell some joke about this being a groundbreaking discovery, are you? Of … course … I'm not. Good. That would be beneath me. Dios mio.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-21 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-21 Pub. Date: 2019-06-21
Image Number: 178164
Caption: We cut our ad budget for YouTube because of all the hate for hate of hate content. You … what? Well, first they demonetized a few bigots and white supremacists so our ads wouldn't run on their filth. We thought that was fine. But then they also demonetizes people who made videos opposing those bigots. As if both sides were equally bad. I'm so tired of both-side-ism ... on both sides. Stop that.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-01 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-01 Pub. Date: 2019-06-01
Image Number: 177798
Caption: There gonna be a whole generation of elbow arthritis. We evolved to be hunters an' gatherers, bruh. Not to hold phones and iPads right up to our faces. You gotta outstretch your arms once in a while, Big L … because that way it's easier for you to see my passwords? Would you rather secure your bank account? Or would you rather end up like this here?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-30 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-30 Pub. Date: 2019-04-30
Image Number: 177384
Caption: Guess who won a Pulitzer Prize for his latest album, bruh? Ain't that that prize you been try'na win since we was six? It don't bother you that I won it before you did, do it? Of course not. I'm censored thrilled for you. I couldn't be happier. You censored deserve it, you censored censored! So we cool, then? Of course, why the censored would you ask?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-23 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-23 Pub. Date: 2019-03-23
Image Number: 176840
Caption: I've decided to get Elon Musk to send me for a trip around the moon in two years. I set up a Gofundme page to crowdsource money for it. My goal is to raise ten billion dollars. That shouldn't be too hard, considering there are seven billion people on earth. Non of whom are going to give you a dime. I hope not. That would only come to seven hundred million. Annoyed? How'd you like to send me far away? Here's a link to my Gofundme.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-21 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-21 Pub. Date: 2019-03-21
Image Number: 176838
Caption: Randy, if you could be any animal there is, which one would you be? Easy: I'd be a Bonobo monkey. But not just any Bonobo monkey, I'd be the king of all Bonobo monkeys. They resolve all their conflicts with a little good, old-fashioned, hot, steamy lovin'. They're the best animal to be. DO you agree? Totally, of course. No conflict here.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-05 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-05 Pub. Date: 2019-03-05
Image Number: 176625
Caption: 1982. What do you want to be when you grow up, Lemont. I want to be a journalist. I'll be like Woodward and Bernstein. I'll report on man's inhumanity toward a man and bring down presidents and have a movie made about me. I'm just not sure who would play me. I've narrowed it down to Sidney Poitier and Richard Pryor. I haven't completely ruled out Mr. T. How about Gary Coleman.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-01 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-01 Pub. Date: 2019-03-01
Image Number: 176501
Caption: Whachoomean you want me to bring kale burgers to the barbecue?! I promised my son I wouldn't eat cows anymore. He said it's not right to eat anything with parents. Tell him it's ok, 'cause Uncle Clyde ate that cow' parents yesterday. Sigh … I'll get the kale.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-23 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-23 Pub. Date: 2019-02-23
Image Number: 176396
Caption: You article where you analyzed the public posts of people who use the term Social Justice Warrior sure got a lot of down-votes. I agree with Cicero. He said I have always been of the opinion that unpopularity earned by doing what is right is not unpopularity at all ... but glory. Still, it's a bad look to replace your site's thumbs down button with a glory button. Would you say that was an .. unpopular ... move?
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-07 wouldn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-07 Pub. Date: 2019-02-07
Image Number: 176173
Caption: Wouldn't it be cool if we could live in the Middle Ages, Randy? We could roam the countryside on horses and carry swords. We could hang out in taverns and drink ale, maybe earn enough coin to hire a hero … Then we could go on a quest. Maybe slay some golems. I think it's a real sign of intellectual maturity that we haven't even mentioned maidens yet. Real Middle-Ages maidens would eat you for breakfast.
     
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