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Candorville

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161. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-12-13 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-12-13 Pub. Date: 2012-12-13
Image Number: 90869
Caption: Wait … Back up. Your memoir is about WHAT? How I accidentally caused the end of the world. You have to read from the beginning. If I tell you out of context, it'll sound nuts. I'm a sharp girl, Lemont. Try me. "Well, ok … So the demon La Llorona led me an the half-vampire to the forbidden door in the pyramid ... " Rrrumble. You mean "if we open that you'll end the world" WASN'T sarcasm? ... I think maybe I'll start at the beginning.
     
162. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-12-06 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-12-06 Pub. Date: 2012-12-06
Image Number: 90580
Caption: I'm sick of liberals saying we should raise taxes to help pay off the national debt. If the government were a household that spent more than it took in, the parents would do the ONLY THING they could and cut back on unnecessary expenses. Um … They could also look for higher-paying jobs that brought in more revenue. What'd you say? I was on the phone canceling my electricity and my phone. The Starbucks at the End of the World.
     
163. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-12-05 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-12-05 Pub. Date: 2012-12-05
Image Number: 90579
Caption: Let me get this straight: You wrote a story about you and me getting kidnapped in Mexico, infiltrating a drug cartel run by monsters, and causing the end of the world. And you want me to go to "Candorville dot com" backslash "2009," backslash "11," backslash "09," backslash "elevation," so I can read all about it because now you think it all really happened. Is that correct? candorville.com/2009/11/09/elevation. No, it's not. It's not. You said "backslash," when those are clearly "forward slashes." Fascinating. (Published originally on April 29, 2011).
     
164. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-12-03 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-12-03 Pub. Date: 2012-12-03
Image Number: 90577
Caption: It's all coming back to me, doc. I was reporting on the Mexican drug cartels … PhD. Then it all went wrong. I got kidnapped. I ignored warnings. I made a mistake. AND THE WORLD ENDED. Lemont? We're still here. If the world ended, how can that be? How can the sky glow after the sun has already set? How can smoke rise after the candle has already gone out? Yes, yes ... How can my tongue still taste all aluminum-y long after I finish the diet cola? Leave the poetry to your patients. PhD. (Published originally on April 27, 2011.)
     
165. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-10-14 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-10-14 Pub. Date: 2012-10-14
Image Number: 88131
Caption: Dear Idiot ... I read your "article" about how it's more appropriate to call MIDDLE CLASS CONSUMERS "job creators," because job growth relies on consumer demand. I was EXTREMELY OFFENDED! Your headline was written in HELVETICA, the most heartless, totalitarian font in the world. It's totally devoid of the smooth and supple body of Garamond. Or the firm yet polite lines of Times New Roman. Must respond in COMIC SANS. A man who knows nothing about fonts clearly knows nothing about macro-economics. Buy Candorville books at www.candorville.com.
     
166. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-09-30 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-09-30 Pub. Date: 2012-09-30
Image Number: 87550
Caption: I'm through with looking for a woman to date. That's drastic. Dr. Noodle. Not really. I've realized I've always had a void. Deep in my soul. PhD. I've always felt alone, unloved, unneeded … As if there were no one expecting me to be a great man. When I was a kid, I filled that void with comics. Then later, with a woman's love. But you've realized the void is just too deep for anyone to fill? There is no woman alive who can love me so completely ... ... That I'll finally feel like I'm an important part of the world and I have a purpose. You're thinking of seeking GOD'S love? I'm thinking of dating TWO women. PhD. v
     
167. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-09-18 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-09-18 Pub. Date: 2012-09-18
Image Number: 87545
Caption: Do you want your impact on this world to outlast you? In the end, we either turn into a long-remembered story, or we fade away. If you could have people say just one thing about you at your funeral … What would it be? "Hey! Look! He's breathing!" Good talk, Clyde. Thug 4 Life. (Originally published on 9/28/10).
     
168. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-07-02 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-07-02 Pub. Date: 2012-07-02
Image Number: 83011
Caption: I was concerned about not being able to pay my bills. Dr. Noodle. But then I realized people in other countries are worried about being massacred, or starving, or being eaten by wild caribou. What right do I have to be wrapped up in my petty first-world problems when all that's going on? Don't you think that's a real break-through? Whatever. You still owe me for last week. PhD.
     
169. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-06-11 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-06-11 Pub. Date: 2012-06-11
Image Number: 81848
Caption: You may have heard of the recent epidemic of people eating people. Spare change. RUN! Some believe it's the zombie apocalypse. But I think it's just a cry for attention. We're all so busy trying to be heard that we don’t actually listen to anyone anymore. If you agree, please "Like" me on Facebook. You hear something? RUN!
     
170. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-04-26 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-04-26 Pub. Date: 2012-04-26
Image Number: 79773
Caption: http://archive.org. Wayback Machine. Year: 1776. URL: Facebook.com/ThomasJefferson. Thomas Jefferson. About an hour ago. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. Like 35. musketsam: You, sir, art a communist who knoweth aught about the way the world works. Thomas Jefferson: Communist? musketsam: You would have us believe all men are "equal." I suppose that means you also think all men should be given polar bears made of jelly beans and whatever else they want. Thomas Jefferson: If you are endeavoring to change my mind about all men being created equal, you are doing a good job of it. John Adams: LOL! John Smith: This is a good article. If you enjoyed this article as I did, you may also like this Wonderful Sale on Tomahawks I discovered.
     
171. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-04-17 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-04-17 Pub. Date: 2012-04-17
Image Number: 79548
Caption: People keep coming to my Facebook page to have conversations with each other. … What? Every time I turn on the Facebook, there are people talking about Lord knows what. WHY ARE THEY ON MY FACEBOOK? That's just your news stream, momma. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Want me to stop the world so you can catch up? Does this mean someone's been on my computer machine?
     
172. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-04-06 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-04-06 Pub. Date: 2012-04-06
Image Number: 78536
Caption: Trayvon Martin's train to the afterlife makes a pit-stop at the Starbucks at the end of the world. I stop here for all kids. In the blink of an eye … You'll live every possible life you could've had. Go on. I'll be here waiting when you're done.
     
173. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-04-05 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-04-05 Pub. Date: 2012-04-05
Image Number: 78535
Caption: Lemont tells Trayvon Martin he's on the train to the afterlife. But I'm not done! Make it stop! Please?! I can't. this train stops for absolutely nothing. We'll not be making a pit-stop at Starbucks. What?! Is everything commercial now?! This is that Starbucks at the end of the world, where everything that's been lost can be found again. Including ... everything that could have been, but never was. "Including unrealized potential" would've been more concise. I don't tell you how to do your job. Think they got Skittles up in there?
     
174. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-03-27 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-03-27 Pub. Date: 2012-03-27
Image Number: 77951
Caption: Don’t you hear the drums, Tyrone? Bappada-boom. Boom. Bappada-boom. Boom. … It's like the sound of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, trotting steadily toward us. "Trotting"? Really, Rosencrantz, fear-mongering is all about word choice. "Scampering"? Still not scared. "Scooting"?
     
175. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-03-26 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-03-26 Pub. Date: 2012-03-26
Image Number: 77950
Caption: For the last three minutes, I've heard the faint sound of drums, Tyrone. Have you any idea what that means? It means … THE END IS NEAR. Not necessarily. It depends on his stamina. What? What?
     
176. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-03-09 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-03-09 Pub. Date: 2012-03-09
Image Number: 39256
Caption: Penicillium, do you believe in Lemont? I don't. Shhh! Don’t say that, mucor! We'll hear you! Come on, Pen, if Lemont were real, then why does he let bad things happen to us? Because HE wants us to have free will. Yeah? What about the Old Testament, where it says Lemont once sprayed the world with a great fungicide, killing almost everyone? The good book says that was eons ago in 2007, when Lemont was angry and vengeful. Now Lemont loves us. (Originally published in 2009).
     
177. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-02-02 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-02-02 Pub. Date: 2012-02-02
Image Number: 75827
Caption: The world moves really fast, Susan. Observation. It feels like just a few years ago I was on the cutting edge 'cause I knew how to program a website with HTML. But it's as if I blinked for a second, and the whole world ran past me and I don't have the skills to keep up. STOP IT!!!!
     
178. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-11-26 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-11-26 Pub. Date: 2011-11-26
Image Number: 73212
Caption: Clyde! Thank God I reached you. I'm supposed to pick up Lionel today, but the paper just sent me to report on a war zone. I tried calling Roxanne to tell her I'd pick him up next week, but she's not answering. She's probably already outside with Lionel waiting for me. You're my best friend in the world, I know I can count on you: I need you to go to my apartment, put on my hat and coat, then go to Roxanne's house, pretend to be me, and pick up Lionel. You missed me, fool! At the sound of the beep, go 'head an' leave a message. Beep. I said beeeep.
     
179. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-10-22 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-10-22 Pub. Date: 2011-10-22
Image Number: 66797
Caption: &@#$! I just got slapped with a cease and desist notice from Twitter's lawyers. They're trademarking "TWEET." The Starbucks at the End of the World. I can't tweet anymore unless I pay royalties! I don’t believe that happened, Lemont. You say that all the time.
     
180. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-10-18 world 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-10-18 Pub. Date: 2011-10-18
Image Number: 66793
Caption: Apple Co-founder Steve Jobs visits Lemont's dream. How's it feel to have freed the world? Totalitarian governments and oligarchies depend on keeping the common man uninformed. Divided. You gave the common man the means to instantly speak out and organize against oppression. Big Brother's days are numbered thanks to you. You freed the common man. Thanks. You freed everyone but the Chinese slaves who build all your stuff. You need to learn where to end your compliments. Besides, sweatshops and slavery are two different things.
     
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