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Candorville

Comics and cartoons about two-year-olds.

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Result page:    2  Next  (31 images)


1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-29 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-29 Pub. Date: 2018-12-29
Image Number: 175589
Caption: Well, another year is coming to a close. I'd like to thank you for a job well done, nemesis. I just serve coffee. Yes, but you do it so poorly, as if you have the coordination of a two-year-old. And ever word out of your mouth is vapid and narcissistic. Day in and day out, you have provided me with a slovenly example of youth that makes me feel very, very good to be old. So ... good job. Thank you for being you, loser! I love being important.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-20 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-20 Pub. Date: 2018-12-20
Image Number: 175482
Caption: What should I get your two-year-old for Christmas, Big L? Lionel would love a bronze replica of the starship Defiant, from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. You a bad father, Big L. I said what's he want? That IS what he wants! … Also an adult sized Captain Sisko uniform he can grow into. BAD father. (This cartoon was previously published on 2014-12-04)
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-02 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-02 Pub. Date: 2018-12-02
Image Number: 174985
Caption: Big L, you want me to be Santa again for your boy this year? Let me think about that, Clyde … Last year, I woke up to find my two-year-old boy shocking a pigeon with a taser gun. He said Santa gave him the taser, said Don't tell your daddy, and then forgot to shut the window when he climbed down the fire escape. I tried mouth-to-mouth but the pigeon was long gone. I only had to spend nine days in jail for animal cruelty, but my boy was in therapy for four months. Not my fault. I told him to only use it for fishing. No I don't want you to be Santa this year!!!
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-24 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-24 Pub. Date: 2017-10-24
Image Number: 164148
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-18 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-18 Pub. Date: 2017-10-18
Image Number: 163904
Caption: Sometimes I think "baby brain" is a real thing, Susan. Ever since I won custody of my son, I've been forgetting things. I've forgotten what I had for breakfast … I've forgotten whether I took a shower today … I can't believe you're blaming forgetting my birthday on your two-year-old kid. What are we talking about?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-27 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-27 Pub. Date: 2017-04-27
Image Number: 157287
Caption: Clyde, if something ever happens to me … Don’t worry, bruh. I'll take you kid an' raise him up for you. I'll teach him all he need to know about life. He'll be the baddest two-year-old on the block. Ain't nobody gonna mess with him. I'll also teach him erethang you woulda taught him: I'll make him watch Star Track an' Doctor Boo an' some @#$% like that. Long as he ain't a snitch, we'll be cool. I was just going to say "call Susan."
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-06 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-06 Pub. Date: 2017-01-06
Image Number: 152859
Caption: I feel like a burrito right now, Clyde. You can't have no burrito, Big L. You a single dad raisin' a two-year-old baby. What'll happen to him if you drop dead of a heart attack? Parents who don't take care of theyselves an' don't watch they carbs an minerals an' such is selfish. Whatever. Give me back my burrito, Clyde. Somebody gotta look out for the children.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-27 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-27 Pub. Date: 2016-07-27
Image Number: 146472
Caption: Lionel was reading "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." You know everyone on earth takes that line out of context? Frost is actually expressing regret there. He's torn about it. Just like everyone else, Lionel wrongly though Frost was expressing pride. Nobody ever pays attention to the context of anything anymore. Wait ... your two-year-old is reading Robert Frost?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-28 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-28 Pub. Date: 2016-05-28
Image Number: 143642
Caption: My son wants "Pajama Diaries" to win "Best Comic Strip" at tonight's awards because he likes pajamas. And with that, I became convinced Donald Trump will be our next president. Don't get me wrong, I love "Pajama Diaries." I'd be thrilled if it won. But I don't love what my son's reasoning says about humanity. We base our choices on highly personal, irrational reasons, and then we rationalize them after the fact. Aren't you being a little hard on a two-year-old? Don't you see? A lot of people vote with their inner two-year-olds.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-07 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-07 Pub. Date: 2015-11-07
Image Number: 134726
Caption: Processing … Processing … Installing software update that'll consume so many system resources that your two-year-old phone will slow to a crawl and you'll have no choice but to upgrade to the new phone. What was that? Um … I mean … "processing … " (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-10-01).
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-21 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-21 Pub. Date: 2015-10-21
Image Number: 133800
Caption: Sometimes I think "baby brain" is a real thing, Susan. Ever since I won custody of my son, I've been forgetting things. I've forgotten what I had for breakfast … I've forgotten whether I took a shower today … I can't believe you're blaming forgetting my birthday on your two-year-old kid. What are we talking about?
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-16 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-16 Pub. Date: 2015-10-16
Image Number: 133796
Caption: Wanna come over and watch C-Span with Lionel and me? No, I … wait. Wait a second … You and your two-year-old son watch C-Span together? You mean PBS, right? "Sesame Street"? No, I mean C-Span. The channel that shows Congress in action. Why? Just … Why? Because he's too young to watch "The Walking Dead." I can't make it. I'll be busy forgetting this conversation.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-21 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-21 Pub. Date: 2015-07-21
Image Number: 129957
Caption: Lionel asked me if he has a grandpa, and I didn't know what to tell him, Susan. How do I tell a two-year-old that I never knew my father, my mom refuses to even tell me his name … and that his other grandfather disappeared overseas after the FEDs raided his corporation? So I just put on "Sesame Street" and pretended to fall asleep.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-23 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-23 Pub. Date: 2015-06-23
Image Number: 128672
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two. Do not lean on door.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-03 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-03 Pub. Date: 2015-04-03
Image Number: 124961
Caption: Last night, I dreamt that you and I were married. Only instead of a hat, you wore a mohawk. And instead of being into science fiction, you were into Harleys. And instead of being sweet, you were a jerk. And instead of having a two-year-old son, you had no kids at all. But other than that, it was totally you. Dream-me is a very lucky jerk.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-06 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-06 Pub. Date: 2014-12-06
Image Number: 119646
Caption: I feel like a burrito right now, Clyde. You can't have no burrito, Big L. You a single dad raisin' a two-year-old baby. What'll happen to him if you drop dead of a heart attack? Parents who don’t take care of theyselves an' don’t watch they carbs an minerals an' such is selfish. Whatever. Give me back my burrito, Clyde. Somebody gotta look out for the children.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-04 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-04 Pub. Date: 2014-12-04
Image Number: 119644
Caption: What should I get your two-year-old for Christmas, Big L? Lionel would love a bronze replica of the starship Defiant, from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. You a bad father, Big L. I said what's he want? That IS what he wants! … Also an adult sized Captain Sisko uniform he can grow into. BAD father.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-10-23 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-10-23 Pub. Date: 2014-10-23
Image Number: 117917
Caption: I have a two-year-old. How do I make sure he never chooses to fight in our country's endless war? C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice. $2. What's that? I wrote your boy a prescription. "Take one six-pack of coke, a bag of Doritos an' a Happy Meal daily." Army fatigues don't come in XXXXL. He'll get diabetes by 18. All treatments have side effects.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-09-07 two-year-old 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-09-07 Pub. Date: 2014-09-07
Image Number: 115372
Caption: I taught Lionel how to call 911. WHAT?! What that little two-year-old boy ever done to you, Big L? Huh? Cops be outta control, bruh. If there a emergency an' he call 911, there a 50/50 chance the police'll help … an' a 50/50 chance they gonna knock down the door without a warrant, toss in a flashbang grenade, an' pepper spray your toddler before draggin' his dad out in the hallway half naked. What is you thinkin' Big L? He's be better off if you teach him to call Domino's. Well, they would probably get there faster.
     
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