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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-13 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-13 Pub. Date: 2018-11-13
Image Number: 174936
Caption: Again to pass time, we'll speak only in haiku. Your turn, Rosencrantz. I detest haiku. I will never utter one … How 'bout limericks?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-10 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-10 Pub. Date: 2018-11-10
Image Number: 174825
Caption: Today, to pass time, we'll speak only in haiku. Your turn, Rosencrantz. Here's five syllables … and here's seven syllables … five more syllables.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-31 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-31 Pub. Date: 2018-10-31
Image Number: 174717
Caption: Now that my son's in the child protective services system, I have to be extra careful. But I'm still a journalist, Susan. We have ways to get the truth out. I mean, yes, I killed my story about the county suppressing minority voters. And yes, I ran a puff piece about the local bunny farm instead. But I trust my readers are bright enough to pick up on the secret code I used in the bunny farm story. Replace every time I wrote bunny with voter, and every time I wrote fluffy with disenfranchised, and ... Dios mio.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-26 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-26 Pub. Date: 2018-10-26
Image Number: 174604
Caption: 'Sup, Big L?* *We now have more years behind us than we have ahead of us. What's up, Clyde?* *Yeah. I used to feel I'd have time to see everything there was to see 'cause I was going to live forever. Cough cough?* *I'm not ready to grow old, Lemont. Yawn* *I don't know how to cope with it either.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-23 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-23 Pub. Date: 2018-10-23
Image Number: 174601
Caption: Thousands of Native Americans might not be allowed to vote if they don't have I.D. that shows their street addresses. Ever since they won the right to vote, they were promised they could vote using I.D. that showed their P.O. box, since many live on the reservation and don't have street addresses. The country's never made Native Americans a promise it didn't go on break. So ... it's almost like America made a promise to break every promise it made them. Now's not the time to set up paradoxes, Clyde.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-21 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-21 Pub. Date: 2018-10-21
Image Number: 174386
Caption: Ask Sadie. Our resident 90-something-year-old radio pundit Sadie Cohen answers actual reader questions. AS away at asksadieshow@gmail.com (if you're sure you want the answer). Dear Sadie, I have to give a speech. When I stand up in front of people to talk, my palms get sweaty, my stomach hurts, and I suddenly have to use the bathroom, even I didn't eat anything. any advice? - Shy in Scottsdale. Excellent question. It reminds me of the very first time I was supposed to give a big speech. It as May 6, 1937 ... As head of the Ladies Auxiliary of Manchester Township's Dirigible Fan Club, I was to give a rousing welcome to an incoming blimp. As the German airship drifted gently overhead, I picked up the microphone, and ... By the ay, you know what people don't tell you? They don't tell you that it could create a spark when you accidentally whack a microphone on a mental box full of fireworks. I was by no means relieved about not having to give a speech that day. That would be wrong. And it was by no means intentional ... not provably so, anyway. Anyway, what were you asking about, again? How quickly to establish an alibi? Um ... that's ok. I've gotta go. Asksadieshow@gmail.com
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-18 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-18 Pub. Date: 2018-10-18
Image Number: 174494
Caption: Hey boss, grand opening's a big hit. Almost all the patrons from the old café are here, plus some new ones. What do you mean almost all the old patrons? Who's missing? I want that traitor tracked down an dealt with. Call my contact at ICE. They've got ways. They'll disguise themselves as altar boys and wait in his church ... They'll hide in the slurpee machine at his favorite 7-Eleven. they'll call and say they found his wallet and then cage him when he surfaces. ICE doesn't play around. They could probably haul him here in time for customer appreciation hour. Very bad man.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-15 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-15 Pub. Date: 2018-10-15
Image Number: 174491
Caption: Is a journalist a journalist all the time? In other words: If I suspected an old friend was doing something shady … is it my duty as a journalist to expose it? Or is it my duty as a friend to look the other way? The latter. Definitely. No contest. Look the other way. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about you. On the other hand ...
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-05 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-05 Pub. Date: 2018-10-05
Image Number: 174292
Caption: I had to fire someone yesterday. I took no pleasure in it. Solace, though. I felt solace. And maybe a little satisfaction. And some bliss. Joy, contentment, revelry, gratification, tingles, amusement, giddiness, joie de vivre … titillation … but now pleasure. Sorry. That's ok, there's always next time.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-28 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-28 Pub. Date: 2018-09-28
Image Number: 174195
Caption: I have to admit, Big L, you getting' better. You made two shots. In the right basket. I was proud, bruh. I was in the zone. It was like I was a leaf blowing on the wind. A pebble floating in the river … Almost nobody even laughed this time when you tried to dunk an' missed the rim. You noticed that?
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-23 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-23 Pub. Date: 2018-09-23
Image Number: 173981
Caption: Hello, you've reached the Breakeezy warranty department. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I called last week to tell you the water dispenser on my Breakeezy refrigerator was stuck and pouring water all over my floor. I'd just bought a $400 extended warranty a month earlier. you sent out a repairman, and he fixed it. Then he sent me a bill for $200. He said you told him the repair wasn't covered by my policy! That's right. The fine print clearly states that we don't cover pre-existing problems. It broke a month after I bought the warranty! After!!! That's not pre-existing! The fine print's fine print clearly states that quantum theory suggests time may flow in both directions.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-19 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-19 Pub. Date: 2018-09-19
Image Number: 174074
Caption: Clyde, you notice all that ash outside? That's because of that wildfire raging 50 miles away. I don't recall having massive wildfires all the time when I was a kid. 'Course not. You was always inside watching tv. If they didn't mention it on The Love Boat, you didn't know @#$ about it. I watched the news, too. Don't remind me. You was the only six-year-old came to Halloween dressed like Ted Koppel.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-12 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-12 Pub. Date: 2018-09-12
Image Number: 173984
Caption: This country's moved too far to the left. You can tell every time you turn on the tv. There used to be shows like Little House on the Prairie, which taught good, wholesome family values … and Gunsmoke, which taught good, wholesome respect for the sheriff's proper role as judge, jury and executioner ... and The Munsters which taught us good, wholesome disdain for multiculturalism. Wait ... are you just messing with me?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-09 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-09 Pub. Date: 2018-09-09
Image Number: 173787
Caption: When I grow up, I wanna be a time traveler who goes back through time to tell me if time traveling pays well.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-06 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-06 Pub. Date: 2018-09-06
Image Number: 173882
Caption: Susan? Of all the haircuts I've ever had, which one was your favorite? Oh, that's easy. The high-top fade you had back in high school. That was amazing. Mine too. I went to Roscoe's Cuts to see if old Roscoe could do it, just like he did in the nineties. He said he's not sure my hair's thick enough to get up that high anymore. Oh. Well, there's nothin wrong with a low-top fade. He said it's almost time for a no-top fade.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-04 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-04 Pub. Date: 2018-09-04
Image Number: 173880
Caption: You might wanna get your hair checked, bruh. Your ask-frequency down 20% per year. That's a bad sight, Big L. My what? This year you asked me C-Dog, did you take my clippers? 5 times. By this time last year, you done asked 25 times. Guess how many times you asked the year before? Give. Me. Back. My. Clippers. Yo' hair growth be on a perfect negative-sloped linear Bezier curve, bruh. That @#$% serious.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-31 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-31 Pub. Date: 2018-08-31
Image Number: 173792
Caption: Have you tried giving up coffee cold turkey? Once. It was December 25th, 1991. It had rained that morning and dew glistened on the flowers a passerby was carrying. A dog barked seven times. A distant siren wailed for 43 seconds. The ceiling light bulb flickered every 257.9 seconds for seven hours. I take it that day didn't go very well. My dog scratched itself for exactly 5 and a 1/2 minutes before falling asleep.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-27 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-27 Pub. Date: 2018-08-27
Image Number: 173788
Caption: Now that the airduct … or whatever it was … had led me back to 2018 … I was moments away from finally interviewing a toddler in one of Trump's internment camps. I could hear him, just around the corner. He was sobbing. He was hysterical. He was calling out for his mother. He was just around the corner ... But so were the armed guards. By the time I got the glue, the fake beard and the janitor disguise, the child's cries had stopped. Wait ... back up. I almost blew my cover when I lost control of the spinny-mop thing and it dragged me down the hall.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-23 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-23 Pub. Date: 2018-08-23
Image Number: 173657
Caption: I couldn't see. The air ducts surrounding me were a void. But there was something … a whimper, up ahead. Mama … Mama … I inched toward the sound. That's when I felt a … a presence. Behind me, in the distance. My feet grew cold, as if something … dead were breathing on them. Mama! I reached the vent just in time and calmly climbed through it. Calmly don't sound like you, bruh. Who's telling this story.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-21 time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-21 Pub. Date: 2018-08-21
Image Number: 173655
Caption: … So I kept crawling through the air duct, searching for a vent that'd lead me to a refugee in one of the President's baby jails. But every vent led to a different moment in time and space. A different atrocity. Air ducts sprawled and twisted and meandered in every direction. For miles. Maybe farther. My phone had long since died, and so there was no light. I was alone. I was lost. I almost gave up. But then, a whisper from somewhere in the void echoed along the cold metal ducts. t said Be still And listen of the cried of the child. Yeah, right. Since when do tiny kids cry when total strangers rip them from their parents? What? They had to have been coached. Bus.
     
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