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Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons

Comics and cartoons about slowpokes.

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201. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-01-01 Pub. Date: 2008-01-01
Image Number: 92344
Caption: Slowpoke. Chris Matthews. NAD DEFENDER. Here's how political commentator Chris Matthews described Hillary Clinton's endorsers: Aren't you appalled at the willingness of these people to become CASTRATOS in the EUNUCH CHORUS? Matthews as clearly referring to a recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Our models indicate that, it a WOMAN became President, all the nation's nads would spontaneously detach from their owners! A. B. Some say that the 150 million sets of cojones would be cryogenically frozen by Wiccans and held hostage to Hillary's agenda. I will release 10,000 family jewels for each of my health care proposals that is enacted! Now THAT'S political capital! Those eager to redeem their manhood could earn bollock redemption points by singing in a EUNUCH CHOIR. Our bits were taken by Hil-lary and now we sound like Ged-dy Lee! Hit those high notes, Chris! HRUMPH! Seems plausible to me!
     
202. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-01-01 Pub. Date: 2008-01-01
Image Number: 92346
Caption: Slowpoke. Democrats are at each other's throats over the Presidential candidates. War-mongering triangulator! Overhyped health care demagogue! Obama. Hillary. As the race drags on, the DNC decides to unite the party with a medical miracle. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you ... Oballary! Now THAT'S change! Oballary's ability to simultaneously eat waffles WHILE giving stump speeches in small town diners allows it to cover twice as many campaign stops as usual. GMORF! Lemme tell you about hope. The Oballary campaign quickly wins over the prized Siamese twin and sci-fi nerd vote. Finally! Somebody who represents us! McCain is a Cylon! Republican strategists are stymied. It'd be the first female and black President! But it's also white and male! With decades of combined experience! What'll we do? Not to be outdone, McCain exhumes Ronald Reagan's head to win over wary wingnuts! Don't worry ... He's plenty conservative! You tell 'em, Ronnie!
     
203. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-01-01 Pub. Date: 2008-01-01
Image Number: 92351
Caption: Slowpoke. Season of Unreason. As usual, the Presidential primaries have devolved into a grossly simplistic personality contest. Obama's smile is playing well in Kalamazoo! Yes, bit Hillary's eyebrows have mesmerized Ypsilanti! Nattering Noggins Nightly. How could we make the race even more trivial and idiotic? Monosyllabic debates. The Dems. Remember - Only ONE! Hope! Change! Fight! The Repubs. Bomb! Fear! Grunt! Aura divination. With us tonight is Contessa Montebaldi, who will probe the candidates' energy fields. Right now I'm seeing a murky haze around Mitt Romney. For John McCain ... I see flan. An enormous flan. Rorschach voting machines. Please choose the blob you would most like to have a beer with.
     
204. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 86609
Caption: Slowpoke. Pop Culture Periscope. Today's Topic: Pixilated Presents. In the online game "Second Life" and on the social networking site Facebook, people are paying REAL MONEY for virtual things. Give a virtual donut to a friend: $1! More than a real donut. Facebook. In Silicon Valley, web developer Sy Bertwitt suddenly becomes aware of a problem. Millions of Africans lack even the most basic virtual goods! We must help them! Sniddle.com. Sniddle.com. A non-profit is launched. JPEGS WITHOUT BORDERS. IMAGES SANS FRONTIERES. Our goal is to deliver over 500 terabytes of virtual donuts, plush toys, and rubber duckies to impoverished nations! Won't you donate now? Somewhere in Somalia ... Greetings refugees! Please enjoy this picture of a donut. Compliments of the United States! This sucks! JPEGS WITHOUT BORDERS.
     
205. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 86610
Caption: Slowpoke. Hello, and welcome to "Our Fellow Human." I'm your host, Mr. Perkins, and with me tonight is award-winning food photographer and author of The Big Book of Moon Pies, Frannie Fleenowitz. Welcome, Frannie. I'm as happy as a butter-drenched clam to be here. You've said that food photography is an underrated art form. Yes. Few appreciate the skill required to capture the sheen of frost on a pudding pop, the glistening condensation on a bottle of Yoo-Hoo, or the twinkling of a salt crystal atop a Cheez-It. So you're trying to raise the medium? I am. My new series, "Twizzlers at Sunset: A Visual Celebration," explores the complex beauty of this majestic twisty treat. Splendid! I'm a big fan of your "Turkey Jerky at the Gates of Dawn" work from last year. What's your next project? It's called "Nilla Noir." I'll be shooting Nilla Wafers in the graveyards of the English Moors. We'll never look at wafers the same way again!
     
206. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 86611
Caption: Slowpoke. Hey, gourmands! Check out the latest gadgets for … The 21st Century Chef. The V-Chip (veggie chip) - Equipped Guilt-O-Matic Dinner Plate detects when you kid has not eaten her greens and actually causes to be withheld from a starving child in Africa! Wireless internet signal. The Celebrigriddle gently browns the faces of your favorite stars into your flapjacks! Japanese Snow Monkey Rice Cooker. The cutest appliance ever! Bounces up and down to Shonen Knife and Bjork's greatest hits when rice is ready! Rice in. The Salad Uzi adds extra firepower to the traditional salad shooter so men feel comfortable using it. Into the bowl, dear! FAP-FAP-FAP-FAP!
     
207. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92335
Caption: Slowpoke. The Next Box Sets. The Beatles throat-clearing classics. Got all the outtakes, false starts, and studio banter? You don’t own it all until you own this. 72 Hocken' Hits! Disc One: Early Ahems. Disc Two: Ringo Gets the Croup. Disc Three: Lennon's Solo Loogies. "Fascinating!" -American Association of Otolaryngologists. From the people who brought you "The Box Set Box Set" ... The complete ROCK. Every song in the genre ever recorded! Shipping not included. T Rex - Trixter. Osbourne - Osmonds. Liner notes. "What God would buy." -Ira Robbins. Mangled Musical Memories. All the songs ever ruined by being used in TV commercials. Classic Kinks. Picture Book! Inkjet Printers. "What's next? Adverts by the Adverts?" -Mojo. Torture's Greatest Hits! The top songs used to keep prisoners awake at Guantanamo! OFF TO NEVER-NEVER LAND! Yes, Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is a top torture tune! "Brutal!" -Alberto Gonzales.
     
208. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92337
Caption: Slowpoke. Does it seem like your credit card company constantly sends you new conditions and fees? Due to your history of paying off your entire balance every month, we are instituting an "on-time" fee of $39. The lat fee is now $39.50. Since deregulation of the industry began in 1980, profits from fees have skyrocketed. Here are some more fees we can expect in the future. Trademark Inscription Fee - fee for use of a company's name while writing them on a check. 6/23/07. Super Uberbank. Seven hundred fifty-two. 752.00. It's OUR intellectual property! The Non-Psychic Billing Fee - For having bills sent by email rather than telepathically. Current account balance $1,182.39. Unconventional Usage Fee - for using card to jimmy open locked doors. The Corrupt Congress Fee - in honor of those who passed the bankruptcy bill and other industry-friendly laws. Just doing the work of the people. Give me my money now. The Borrowing Money While Poor Fee - just in case other fees, 30% interest rates, and predatory marketing aren't enough to push you over the edge. "You're pre-approved to be our debt slave!" The Complaining About Fees Fee - tiny voice recognition microchip in your card detects kvetching, alerts central computer. This fee is Bulls#!t! Account #13978420 -1246703 is resisting.
     
209. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92338
Caption: Slowpoke. America: Back Office To The World! The dollar continues to plunge in value. Biggiebank. Goodbye, cruel world! We at Slowpoke peer into our crystal ball to see what's next for the U.S. economy! O magic ball … Speak to Swami Perkins! Soon, Americans will be providing tech support to Bangalore. Hello, this is, uh, Rajiv Chandrashekar. Can I have the product's serial number? In broken, Midwestern accented Hindi. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU DOTLESS-HEAD! As the dollar sinks further, factories to make foreign goods sprout up in the rust belt. I can barely afford to feed my kids, and these Brazilians are buying @#! DANCING FRUIT HATS?! Dancing Headwear Inspector No. 12. Tourism surges, as people from all over the world can finally afford to visit. I used to drink cocktails all day at five-star hotels in your country! Please take us to Fifth Avenue so we can purchase some of your quaint native costumes!
     
210. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92339
Caption: Slowpoke. Drooly Julie's Culture Corner. Welcome to "The Lust Lab," the pave to find those with the grind on their mind! Today's topic is REPUBLICAN SEX SCANDALS! First caller, you're on the air. ON AIR. Hi, Drooly! So what's up with all these closeted Republicans who oppose gay marriage? They're trying to protect hot, closeted boffing, of course! The Democrats would usher in an age of boring, married, Norman Rockwell boinking! Next caller! Love the show, Drooly! How about that Bernie Kerik? You mean Rudy Giuliani's Chief of Police and business partner who used an apartment donated for ground zero rescue workers as his own personal nookie nest? the crucial question is: Did Kerik give his mistress mustache rides? Rudy could lose the female vote if he didn't! Bernie's Love Lair! Also, don't forget Bob Allen of Florida who offered a cop a BJ, or Senator David Vitter, who had a thing for whores! So ... Is there anything they Haven't done? I don't think they've been caught at a Trekkie convention in a Klingon circle jerk ... But I'm sure they'll have that covered by next week!
     
211. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92340
Caption: Slowpoke. Factoid Fun. This week: spotlight on John Edward's hair! Brought to you by … Smart Bombs TM. Breakfast Cereal. Smart Bombs. "Treat your cranium to depleted uranium!" From the "What's more wasteful?" dept. … The number of John Edwards' haircuts it takes to equal one Iraq war is 1.05 billion and counting. That's one haircut a week for the next 20 million years! The average human head has 100,000 hairs. This means John Edwards has fewer hairs than the number of people who have died in Darfur! Cross-section of Edwards' scalp. Genocide. If John Edwards' hair had been President for the past few years, the country would be in BETTER SHAPE THAN IT IS NOW! Should we escalate in Iraq, sir? I'll take your silence as a "no." You know, we could fire U.S. attorneys who don't abuse their power. Er - or not. Tip o' the pen to Scott J.
     
212. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92341
Caption: Slowpoke. HEY, CLOSETED GAY REPUBLICANS! Here's an idea: instead of taking your pent-up shame out on others, take it out on yourselves at … Gay Republican Guilt Camp. Extra. Anti-Gay Senator caught seeking sex in men's room. At Gay Republican Guilt Camp, you'll be greeted by Tucker Carlson slamming your head against a bathroom stall! Take that, homo! WHAM! OOF! More, please! Welcome Campers! Yes, he bragged about doing this in his youth! "Round-the-clock confession booths will help you get a load off your chest!" Father, I received oral favors behind a tie rack at JC Penney. ... And I boffed a guy while on ecstasy in the parking lot of a Denver IHOP. ... And I fondled my page repeatedly at the Alberto Gonzales hearings. And ... Okay, got it. You're forgiven. Don't miss the grand finale: putting on a cabaret show with your fellow campers! Though many men we've boned, this week we have atoned! No more need to show we're straight by passing backward laws that hate!
     
213. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92342
Caption: Slowpoke. "Lilly Ledbetter suffered nearly two decades of pay discrimination at Goodyear. In a 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court denied her claim because she didn’t file within 180 days of the initial discrimination, which occurred before she knew what was going on." Now Goodyear has billed her $3,165 for court-related expenses! You owe: $3,165. What's next from Goodyear? Tires for her. Exactly the same as other Goodyear tires, but they cost 30% more! Goodyear Lady Driver. The ALITO. Roll over famous women's rights supporters! Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Betty Friedan. Susan B. Anthony. Goodyear. ALITO. "Let Them Eat Rubber!" ... And be on the lookout for the new blimp! Goodyear. Tough Titties.
     
214. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92343
Caption: Slowpoke. Least Effective Forms of Political Activism. Blog comment warfare. Bite my butt, you ignorant troll! I have already disproven your asshatted claim in comment #149! SUBMIT! Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap! Wearing "Stop bitching, start a revolution" t-shirt to the mall. Do you wanna split a Cinnabon? Stop bitching, start a revolution. Bongo-thon for peace. We're not gonna stop until the troops come home, man! Bap bap. Putta-putta-putta. Poonka poonka! Self-immolation in your home. This'll show them! Gas.
     
215. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92345
Caption: Slowpoke. Three of the Republican Presidential candidates don’t believe in evolution. Most G.O.P. Congress members don’t believe humans are contributing to climate change. Science contains the word "sin," you know. Coincidence? I think not. Since you can't choose the science you like and don't like, we at Slowpoke propose denying the BENEFITS of science to these politicians, starting with health care! Each one will be assigned a MEDIEVAL PHYSICIAN! I did not descend from an ape! Come with me, sir. While politicians who accept empiricism will get modern-day drugs ... These antibiotics will clear that infection right up! .... Those who don't will receive spins in a giant centrifuge designed to balance one's humors. WAAAAAAAAAA! Wait! You haven't drunk your treacle yet! After a while, even the staunchest deniers of scientific consensus will come around! Okay, okay! Darwin was right! Now can I PLEASE have my Viagra back?
     
216. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92347
Caption: Slowpoke. Are you PETRAEUSLY CORRECT? The Senate recently passed a resolution condemning an advertisement that dared to criticize General Petraeus. Confused about what you can and can't say about members of the military? I'm Professor Perkins, and I'm here to help! DO question the patriotism of a triple-amputee Vietnam vet, as the GOP did in attack ads against Sen. Max Cleland. Max Cleland claims he has the courage to lead ... But he's really Osama's best ho! DON'T dare point out that Gen. Petraeus has poppy seeds stuck in his teeth from his breakfast bagel. We're making progress in Anbar! DO mock John Kerry's wounds from Vietnam by passing out "Purple Heart Band-aids" at the Republican National Convention. Kerry got a widdle boo-boo! Snort! DON'T drop a newspaper featuring a photo of Petraeus on the floor. If you do, you must kiss it! I am SO sorry! DO dismiss the soldiers who wrote an op-ed in the New York Times that contradicted Petraeus' claims.* It was a liberal plot. Whatever you do, DON'T draw the general as Bush's leg-humping lapdog! Gen. Poodlus. Down, boy! This is a big no-no! Pfut. Congressional testimony. *Two of whom are now dead.
     
217. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92348
Caption: Slowpoke. The Puppy Principle. People seem more outraged by NFL star Michael Vick's cruelty to dogs than by cruelty to other humans. Zzzz. Torture … Waterboarding … Beaten to death … … Drowned and electrocuted losing pit bulls … KILL THE BASTARD! Clearly canines are the key to unlocking Americans' compassion. Paul Kromkowski can barely afford to fee his dog Bowser on his minimum wage salary. Some weeks, Bowser survives on the big exoskeletons he finds in the windowsills. Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! THAT POOR DOG! Pay that man a living wage! It's been another grim day here in Darfur. Thirty-two puppies from the UN's "Dogs for the Decimated" program, donated to cheer up refugees, have been brutally slaughtered by militias. For God's sake, why aren't we doing anything to stop this?! The possibilities are limitless! New studies show that small amounts of marijuana can ease a dog's pain from arthritis and other ailments. Mopsy here is enjoying some space biscuits. Pot for Pups. I can't stand to see them suffer!
     
218. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92349
Caption: Slowpoke. Pop Culture Periscope. Today's topic: Skulls. Have you noticed that skulls are now everywhere? Used to be, they were reserved for the death-related … Fig. A. Toxic Waste. Fig. B. Metalhead. Hypocrisy. But now they've gone completely mainstream! Available at department stores. Sears Sale! Worn by pseudo-punk pop stars. Sweet-n-sassy heart and crossbones combo! Avril Lavigne. Be on the lookout for THIS: Baby's first death's head. Aw, we should send a print to grandma!
     
219. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92350
Caption: Slowpoke. "She like how he blogs, her texts turn him on." reads a new Calvin Klein ad aimed at "Technosexuals." Now others have picked up on the trend … Looking to get your geek on while you get your freak on? Then come on down to Drooly Julie's TECHNOSEXUAL Pleasure Palace. We've got: STATUS MESSAGE SHIRTS. These digital marvels project availability to potential suitors! Hubba hubba! drooly1 Ready to Rumble! drooly1 Offline. THE iPHONE Eros TM. Comes with a one-touch booty call feature that makes your honey's phone play ribald ringtones! Booty Button. Pink Satin. Leopard Print. Studded Leather. Let's Get It On ... L33T PORN FOR ULTRA-GEEKS. 5U513 d035 51L1c0n V4LL3Y. Woot! BLUETOOTH BIBRATORS let you wirelessly program up to 18 different setting from your computer! Intellibuzzer 5000. 1. Gentle Hum. 2. Random Flurries. 3. Seismic Blast. ... AND EMOTICONDOMS! TM. "Let's get goofy." "Patriotic salute."
     
220. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 slowpoke 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92681
Caption: Slowpoke. Visit the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Construction cost: Only $500 million - Less than two days of war in Iraq! Be greeted by friendly, Ivy League-educated cowboys! Polyurethane cows. George W. Bush Presidential Library/Dude Ranch. Democrat Entrance. Astroturf. Underground Torture Chamber How-DEE! Come on in! Harvard MBA. View rare photos! Bill Murray in Stripes. Condoleezza Rice tutors the President in foreign policy. Post with life-sized replicas of the President in his youth! The Cheerleader-in-Chief! '70s Playboy. National Guard (the AWOL Years) See ... The actual show turkey he presented the troops in Iraq for Thanksgiving! Kids! Try to top the President's Donkey Kong score in this interactive exhibit! High Score 87913 POTUS 43. We're sorry ... The Iraq Victory Room isn't open yet. Under Construction Indefinitely.
     
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