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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-08 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-08 Pub. Date: 2019-09-08
Image Number: 179293
Caption: Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadieshow@gmail.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My best friend chews, loudly, with his mouth open. It embarrasses me every time we eat out. I'm afraid if I point it out, it'll ruin our friendship. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get the point across without hurting his feelings? - Andrea in Anaheim. Excellent question. Here's what you do ... Next time you eat lunch with your friend, bring a newspaper. Every time he chews with his mouth open, roll up the newspaper and swat him on the nose with it. Then say It works for my poodle. If he laughs instead of pressing charges, you'll know you've got a real friend. *MGMT accepts no responsibility for the possibly horrendous consequences of Sadie Cohen's advice. Use at your own risk.
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-08 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-08 Pub. Date: 2018-02-08
Image Number: 168183
Caption: What do you mean, do I believe aliens abduct people? You talkin' Donald Trump aliens, or is you talkin' Men in Black aliens? More like Fire in the Sky aliens, as seen in the 1993 film that's based on an actual account. I just think if that eyeball scene is real, it would explain why the whole country's so cranky. You spendin' way too much time on Youtube.
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-15 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-15 Pub. Date: 2017-12-15
Image Number: 166005
Caption: Ok, I'll go with you to see "Star Wars." But I'm not dressing up as Princess Leia this time. Too painful. I don't want to go to the ladies room, catch a glimpse of my Leia hairbuns, and start crying. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not dressing as Han Solo this time, either. Harrison Ford is still alive. Han Solo wasn't a real person, Lemont. It's not the same. Yeah, but Carrie Fisher's the one I'll see onscreen. In a way, she's still alive too.
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-02 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-02 Pub. Date: 2017-12-02
Image Number: 165422
Caption: There's a lot of bad news. It's making me a little depressed. C-Dogs Incredibly Bad Advice $2. That one easy, bruh. Ere'time you hear news you don't like, call it "fake." They say someone you like did wrong? Must be fake. They say your car cause pollution? Must be fake. They say you got cancer. Fake fake fake. The ancient Buddhists say reality all in our heads, or some spit like that there. I'll give it a try.
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-01 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-01 Pub. Date: 2017-10-01
Image Number: 162685
Caption: I just finished reading Hillary Clinton's book, "What Had Happened Was … " Sound like a good book, bruh. I thought so. But you know, the real title was supposed to be "What Happened." So I figured I was just seeing things. But then I notices something. Whachoo noticed, Big L? All the other books on my bookshelf had unfamiliar titles too. I noticed my old copy of "1984" was not called "2017." "Deliverance" was not called "They Shoulda Stayed They Butts at Home." the book I thought was called "To Kill a Mockingbird" was not called "Black Man's Tragedy as a Growth Experience for a Little White Girl." Do you happen to have Photoshop, a printer and too much time on your hands? Must be that "Mandela Effect" think you always be talkin' 'bout. Give me back my old bookcovers.
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-18 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-18 Pub. Date: 2016-09-18
Image Number: 147977
Caption: Donald Trump is right: It's totally unfair and disgusting to point out that the KKK and other white nationalist groups support him. The fact that horrible bigots support him doesn't mean that Trump himself is a horrible bigot. There are plenty of non-hate-related reasons why they might be supporting him. Like what? Maybe they support him because he retweets them all the time. Everyone likes to be retweeted. How come in the '70s, his real estate company would tell blacks and Puerto Ricans no apartments were available but whites were shown available ones? Just 'cause he retweets bigots and hires bigots doesn't mean he's a bigot. Do you ever retweet stuff you don't agree with?
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-31 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-31 Pub. Date: 2016-07-31
Image Number: 145874
Caption: Hello, Mr. Dogg. My hingoa is "Richie." I am calling from illustrious Tonga Tech Alumni Association. You achieved your degree at our online university. Got my doctorate, fool. Get it right. We would like for to extend to you the invitation to now pursue your double doctorate. For a low low price of only $150 U.S. dollars per day you can take your Tonga Tech educationals to the ultimate level in only six weeks. Whatchyall got in your extra-doctorate program, bruh? C-Dog time is valuable. I ain't got six weeks for you, not unless your curriculum is bangin'. We've got very many programs of some sort that will allow you to call yourself "Double Doctor." ... such as a doctorate in real estate management, taught by cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. Lemme think about it. "Double Doctor Dogg" got a ring to it.
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-26 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-26 Pub. Date: 2016-06-26
Image Number: 144284
Caption: You want to know why I'm voting for Trump? Because I like the idea of him making America great again. Oh, me too. That way we could all build bomb shelters in our backyards. Women could wear corsets, and men could wear suits and fedoras all the time, even while jogging. BLM activist love of red velvet cake. Daily Nutjob. Hillary failed to stop Pearl Harbor. Goodnight Grandpa. Men could smoke and drink in the office like real men, and women could go back to doing whatever we say. Black war vets could be denied a lot of the benefits of the G.I. Bill and I wouldn't have to sit in the front of the bus anymore. Also confesses to having red "Little Red Riding Hood." Hillary rep'd NY on 9/11. Coincidence? Exoneration Nation. I once read that sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. I like the back of the bus. That way I could keep an eye our for all the Communists. Has aversion to pepper spray. Why? Hillary failed to stop destruction of Alderaan.
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-01 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-01 Pub. Date: 2016-06-01
Image Number: 143920
Caption: What do I have to do to get Donald Trump to attack me on Twitter" I've tried pretty much everything. I've written articles about his phony college, documented over 100 of his lies, and cataloged every time he's pandered to racists. But so far he hasn't called me a "loser," a "total failure," or even "nobody." Being trash-talked by Trump is a rite of passage for any real journalist. Didn't he once have a goon yank you out of a press conference by your underpants? You're just trying to make me feel better.
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-19 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-19 Pub. Date: 2016-05-19
Image Number: 143335
Caption: Prince visits Lemont's dream. You have hundreds of unreleased songs in your vaults. Will we ever get to hear them, now that you're gone? I never liked to think about "gone." I wasn't supposed to ever be gone. Like I told Rolling Stone, I was saving those for a time when I felt like not speaking in real-time. What's that mean?! Just release the songs, already! Stop @#$% with us!!! ... I mean "Oh. I see. That's fascinating."
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-14 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-14 Pub. Date: 2016-02-14
Image Number: 138656
Caption: I put spyware on my son's computer. Last night, I saw what he's been looking at. Now I feel so guilty. He was watching dozens of Youtube videos detailing the theory that Jar Jar Binks was actually the most powerful evil Jedi in all of "Star Wars." I watched them all. They showed clips from the prequels where Jar Jar was clearly using the Jedi mind trick to manipulate everyone around him. Isaac Asimov was a huge "Star Wars" inspiration. These videos pointed out how Binks is eerily similar to a deceptively buffoonish character named "The Mule" in Asimov's "Foundation" series. It's undeniable. Jar Jar was the real "Phantom Menace," and Lucas must've abandoned that whole idea when we all jumped down his throat about the character. So ... you feel guilty for spying on your child since he wasn't doing anything wrong? I feel guilty for giving George Lucas such a hard time about Phantom Menace. The man was a genius.
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-26 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-26 Pub. Date: 2015-10-26
Image Number: 134382
Caption: Hey Mister … what's the big deal about the new Star Wars trailer? Omigawd … I haven't seen so much emotion and tragedy and hope all at the same time since "Empire"! And it’s got acting! And it feels real! And it's got Leia and Han and Chewie, and everything that made Star Wars real to me even when I was seven! I've been waiting for this my whole life! My brother was right. Ask a really old guy about that trailer and he'll go nuts. You brother doesn't deserve real Star Wars.
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-27 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-27 Pub. Date: 2015-08-27
Image Number: 131716
Caption: Lemont … have I told you how much I appreciate having you as a friend? Thank you! I mean, some guys try to be all "alpha-male" all the time. Like this guy I'm seeing. Last night, the dude was flexing his massive biceps while he was hugging me. That was a real turnoff. I like that I've known you all my life, and I still have no idea if you have any muscles. Thank you.
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-03 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-03 Pub. Date: 2015-01-03
Image Number: 120836
Caption: Being all alone in the our part of the galaxy isn't so bad, Susan. Maybe we won't be able to visit intelligent aliens in my lifetime. But on the other hand ... That means we've got all this real estate to ourselves. We build all the timeshares we want on Gliese 832C without displacing even a single native Gliesian. Silver linings are as abundant as planets. A future free of colonial guilt is a pretty great thing.
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-28 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-28 Pub. Date: 2014-12-28
Image Number: 119940
Caption: That's enough, Lemont. At some point, you have to come up for air. Let me just look at it one more time, Susan. How many times are you going to watch the teaser trailer for the new "Star Wars"? It's so … beautiful, Susan. It's got real models and real sets, and it's got the Millennium Falcon. And the more I watch it, the more I forget that the prequel trilogy ever even existed. You've been watching it for a whole month, Lemont. The Millenium Falcon show more emotional depth in this teaser than all the actors did in "Phantom Menace." Well let's go get lunch. You have to eat, don't you?
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-10-30 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-10-30 Pub. Date: 2014-10-30
Image Number: 118204
Caption: Why don’t you want me to go with you to the comic convention? Because then I won't have fun. That's mean, Lemont. I'm just being honest. Every time you go with me, you look bored to death. How can I have a good time if I know you're having a miserable time? Real friends are HAPPY to be miserable for each other.
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-06-03 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-06-03 Pub. Date: 2014-06-03
Image Number: 112088
Caption: My new song about how it's a diff'rent world for women than it is for men. I never wonder if every dude I talk to is tryin' to get in my pants. Women have to wonder that all the time. I don’t have to guard my drink just in case some dude drugs it. Women have to do that kinda thing. What have you done with the REAL Clyde? I don't have to wonder if THAT was a double-entendre.
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2013-12-20 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2013-12-20 Pub. Date: 2013-12-20
Image Number: 105214
Caption: Feudalbanc Massacard, this is Carol Ann, how may ah help yew, sugah? Oh, thank God, last time I was stuck talking to someone in Indonesia. Oh I know just what yew mean, like one tam, I was tryin' ta get ta Jacksonville an' I took the wrong plane. Fell asleep, an' when I woke up, wouldja believe I was lookin' at the Eiffel Tower? Well all I wanted in the whole world was to talk to a real live Amurican right about then. That brings to mind a funny story. Take about an hour ta tell it right. Could you transfer me to someone in Indonesia?
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2013-12-14 real time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2013-12-14 Pub. Date: 2013-12-14
Image Number: 104852
Caption: This just in: there seems to be a concerted multi-state effort to make it harder for the poor to vote. Click. Thug 4 Life. This Side Up. … Strong possibility that scientists have discovered signs of living organisms thriving in the clouds of the planet Venus. Click. ... Incoming hurricane is headed straight for our house How to save your. Click. Last time, on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta ... " Mun mun mun -
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