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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-29 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-29 Pub. Date: 2019-09-29
Image Number: 179616
Caption: I'm tired of working, Randy. One of my ancestors put it best. It was the early days of the Roman Republic. Randius Taylorus Maximus was a soldier in the Roman phalanx. That bored him to death. All the clumsy formations, all the cumbersome gear, all the losing ... so he deserted and joined up with the Spartans. That's where he stopped working for a living, and got to do what he loved. He got to oil up and go into battle half-naked, with nothing but his shield, his sword and his loincloth. Years later, he adventured across the world on the back of Tito, the last living woolly mammoth. That's when he met Buddha, who took credit for Randius' motto: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I just meant I felt like taking a nap.
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-19 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-19 Pub. Date: 2019-09-19
Image Number: 179501
Caption: What'd you want to talk about, Lemont? Susan … How do I say this? Every seven years, the Vulcan male experiences Pon Farr and has to return home to mate, or die. I'll put it another way: Even the most blood-thirsty Klingon warrior eventually needs to find his Parmaqqay. Put it another way. Every incarnation of Doctor Who needs a companion?
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-16 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-16 Pub. Date: 2019-09-16
Image Number: 179498
Caption: Dick Fink, if Lemont Brown calls, can you put it through? Afraid not, ma'am. I don't work on the Sabbath. The Sabbath is a day of rest. Even the Lord doesn't work on the Sabbath. The Sabbath is Saturday. Today is Monday. I don't consult calendars on the Sabbath.
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-11 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-11 Pub. Date: 2019-09-11
Image Number: 179396
Caption: What're you so excited about, Clyde? I'll put it this way, Big L: Ain't you never got nothin' you didn't expect to be getting' … come to realize you been waitin' on it for half your life an' you didn't never even know it? Was pushing my buttons the whole point of all this? 'Course not, Big L. I just forgot you can't never stand double negatives.
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-23 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-23 Pub. Date: 2019-08-23
Image Number: 179097
Caption: Seems like we may be headed for a recession. Is now a good time to get out of the stock market? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. Nah, bruh, now the time to put half your money in McDonald's an' KFC an' let it ride. In hard times, people be double-fisting that comfort food, Big L. Recessions don't last forever, though. That's why you put the other half into 48-Hour Fitness.
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-22 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-22 Pub. Date: 2019-08-22
Image Number: 179096
Caption: 80s toys was no joke, bruh. My Voltron had a sword that oculd put a kid eye out. 'Member how my Shogun warrior had a gist that shot off an' would go right down a kid throat if you aimed it wrong? 'Member that time us kids was all mail-ordering razor sharp Ninja throwing stars? I still don't agree that kids today are too soft. A few childhood lacerations never hurt nobody.
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-21 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-21 Pub. Date: 2019-07-21
Image Number: 178558
Caption: Did you know the New Yorker posts all its memees on Twitter and on its site? Memes? Yeah, you know, memes. Where they take an image and put a caption over it. The combination of image and caption makes it funny. My generation invented meme culture. I think you're describing cartoons. The other day, I came across a video of Harvard professor Cornell West dancing with his students. HOJ. He was really good at it. It was cute watching a Boomer try to co-opt my generation's movement culture. I do with the New Yorker and Cornell West would bne more original, though. Millennials are an interesting bunch. Was that snark, Boomer? Keep that up and I'll make sure you get ratioed on Twitter.
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-29 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-29 Pub. Date: 2019-06-29
Image Number: 178260
Caption: Have you ever thought of being a nun, Sadie? Of course. Years ago I dreamt of converting and becoming a cloistered nun. I thought it would be the one vocation that would take advantage of all my talents. But that was before I discovered that nuns being abusive, vindictive, soul-crushing harpies was just a stereotype. Besides, the vow of chastity would've put a serious hitch in my get-along. Conversation over now.
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-24 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-24 Pub. Date: 2019-05-24
Image Number: 177720
Caption: Boss … Armstrong … I created a Trump Generator. You input questions, and it outputs random nouns and adverbs strung together with words like fantastic. I put it onling a few days ago, and already it's getting 500,000 visitors per day. I guess what I'm asking is, why do all Trump's answers all of a sudden end with Visit House of Jave Cafe. It's tremendous. It's run by a very smart man named Armstrong. I have no idea what you're talking aboutk. By the way, did you know Russian hackers are suprisingly cheap on Craigslist? Very bad man.!!!
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-05 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-05 Pub. Date: 2019-05-05
Image Number: 177448
Caption: What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jollee? My unhappy coworkers. Dr. Noodle. They're the ones with the problem, not me. I'm happy. All of the time. All of the time? Every moment, I greet the world with a smile and with laughter! No matter what's happening! Aaris brought donuts, and I said What a great guy! whenever anyone makes a sale, I lead a cheer! When Andy fell out the window, I shouted Cheer up! There're trees down there! Aim for those! What? The next day, everyone else was moping around, but not me. I put on a smile and said On the bright side, almost all the cactuses are still ok! ... and that's when they sent you to therapy. No, they sent me here after I gave the eulogy.
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-11 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-11 Pub. Date: 2019-04-11
Image Number: 177116
Caption: You know the worst part of renting instead of owning a home? Aside from not being able to create generational wealth for your children and all your descendants, I mean. You don't really have a good reason to hang out in Home Depot. You don't get to tear down walls and dig a lot of holes when you rent. Don't put limits on y'self, Big L. I tore down a wall just last week, I don't give a @#$%.
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-27 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-27 Pub. Date: 2019-01-27
Image Number: 175735
Caption: Ever since the president announced he'd be pulling troops out of Syria, I've felt like some nefarious entity has put blinders on me. And I only see what they want me to see. Dr. Noodle. I spent all day channel-flipping between MSNBC, Fox and CNN … and reading all the usual newspapers ... and then it hit me ... I didn't read or hear a single voice saying we should not be militarily occupying other people's countries. It's as if the media's entire purpose is to pretend there is no dissenting opinion about our endless wars. Look what happened when Phil Donahue. He had the highest rated show on MSNBC. But as soon as he came out against invading Iraq, he disappeared! Anti-war voices in the media always disappear. That's a bit paran ... Hey ... where'd you ... ?
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-30 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-30 Pub. Date: 2018-12-30
Image Number: 175374
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … The runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... But instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-28 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-28 Pub. Date: 2018-12-28
Image Number: 175588
Caption: Huh? What do you mean lost my mind? I read your article where you put Facebook on blast … You said they was givin' companies access to read, write and delete people private messages an' whatnot … but the next day, you sent me a private message sayin' Disregard my article, I was wrong and I'm a total fraud. What the -- I never wrote anything like that!! Your message said your alcoholism might make you forgetful.
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-21 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-21 Pub. Date: 2018-12-21
Image Number: 175483
Caption: I'm not buying any gifts this Christmas, Clyde. Say what? Buying someone a gift used to mean something. You used to have to go to the store and think about what they'd like. Now that you can just click a button on their Amazon Wish List, you don’t have to put any thought at all into it. It used to be the THOUGHT that counted. Now it's the THOUGHTLESS that counts. You broke, ain't you. (This cartoon was previously published on 2014-12-05)
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-02 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-02 Pub. Date: 2018-11-02
Image Number: 174719
Caption: Was the foster family child protective services put you with nice to you, son? Yes! We aw got the watch the Amewican fwag on tv, and we got to pwedge awegiance to Donawd Twump. You meant that the other way around, right? … right? I leawned to shoot a Kawashnikov and a wocket wauncher.
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-08 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-08 Pub. Date: 2018-10-08
Image Number: 174387
Caption: You know they're working on robots you can have nookie with? Aiight, bruh, that's it. C-Dog puttin' a stop to this train wreck right here. I don't put up with your Star Track, an' your Babylon 9, an' your Yoda voicemail greeting, but this spit just got outta control. I'ma go get Pookie an' Big Oatmeal an' the rest of the boys, an' we gonna have you an intervention. I didn't say I was going to buy one, or anything. Go home an' say goodbye to your Doctor Who toothbrush, bruh.
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-06 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-06 Pub. Date: 2018-10-06
Image Number: 174293
Caption: So … you took it pretty hard when Judge Boosie Groperman got confirmed for the state Supreme Court. No I didn't. It's just … his supporters kept saying a man shouldn't be held responsible for what he did when he was seventeen. They got their way. And that sent a message. That's all I'm saying. I still don't agree that we should put all 17-year-olds on house arrest, Lemont. They got the green light. It's us against them, now.
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-04 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-04 Pub. Date: 2018-10-04
Image Number: 174291
Caption: Our meme division is taking fast, people. Some of our best labels are failing. Fear, Inc. Fear of being called a white knight or a social justice warrior aren't scaring men away from speaking up in support of women in online arguments anymore. It's dragging down the whole GDP. Don't be scared, sir. The gross domestic panic index is overrated as an indicator. That puts me at ease. you're fired.
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-15 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-15 Pub. Date: 2018-08-15
Image Number: 173501
Caption: So then I climbed out of the air duct to interview the little refugee. I was four, but now I'm five. It was my birthday. There was something off about his story. Two army men with bayonets put us on a train. We got to ride it for four whole days. Were you scared when they took you from your parents? They didn't. We're all here. We get to stand in line for food together. We get to see the machine guns pointing at us together. Veteran journalist that I am, I didn't jump to any wild conclusions. What year is this? Is this 1942? This is 1942, isn't it. We get to say the pledge of allegiance every day together ...
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