Today, an installment of our periodic feature: Uncle Mort's Less Than Mainstream Theories™ Of late, there has been a most welcome decline in crime in America. For whatever reason, I now feel comfortable taking a leisurely stroll at night, and I can wear my favorite blue flannel shirt without being shot at by gangsters who mistake me for a Crip. But let me explain what's really going on. THIS IS ALL A CONSPIRACY BY FLANNEL-SHIRT INDUSTRY EXECUTIVES! They've clearly convinced gangs across the country to cut down on the violence in return for some sort of profit-sharing arrangement. The saggy-jean industry is in on this too. A guy in skinny jeans tried to mug me. Couldn't get his own gun out of his pocket. Which also accounts for the falling crime.