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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-15 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-15 Pub. Date: 2019-10-15
Image Number: 179915
Caption: What do you think like will be like in the year 2036? I take it you mean for those of us who survive the upcoming world war? It'll be awesome. We've got 7.7 billion people on earth. That's why too many. But after the autocrats get their war, we'll have maybe 100,000 left. There'll only be a handful of people in any given city. Not counting mutants. I feel like we've had this conversation before, Lemont. The nuclear wasteland is going to have very affordable housing. Dios mio.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-10 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-10 Pub. Date: 2019-10-10
Image Number: 179807
Caption: Lately I've been thinking about quitting the agency and starting a Folklorico dance group. Say what? Remember how much I loved being in Ensables Ballet Folklorico back in college? Yeah. I was really good at it, too. And I don't think I've ever felt as happy as I did on stage. Maybe this is just your midlife crisis talking. Mumblety - three is NOT midlife anymore!!! If you say so.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-29 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-29 Pub. Date: 2019-09-29
Image Number: 179616
Caption: I'm tired of working, Randy. One of my ancestors put it best. It was the early days of the Roman Republic. Randius Taylorus Maximus was a soldier in the Roman phalanx. That bored him to death. All the clumsy formations, all the cumbersome gear, all the losing ... so he deserted and joined up with the Spartans. That's where he stopped working for a living, and got to do what he loved. He got to oil up and go into battle half-naked, with nothing but his shield, his sword and his loincloth. Years later, he adventured across the world on the back of Tito, the last living woolly mammoth. That's when he met Buddha, who took credit for Randius' motto: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I just meant I felt like taking a nap.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-25 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-25 Pub. Date: 2019-09-25
Image Number: 179619
Caption: Clyde, how would you feel about composing music for commercials? What? Well, our in-house composer just perished in a freak Beluga whale accident, so … we're hiring. Who we is? You've known me since we were six … you don't … you don't even care what I do for a living, do you? Since when do not havin' no interest in somethin' mean a person don't care?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-20 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-20 Pub. Date: 2019-08-20
Image Number: 179094
Caption: Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-18 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-18 Pub. Date: 2019-08-18
Image Number: 178993
Caption: Kelly messaged me again. After a year of silence. She sent me a photo of an ice cube tray. No words or anything. Just the photo. Dr. Noodle. How did that make you feel? Like she was trying to tell me something. So I studied the picture for a long time. And then it occurred to me: I'd seen that ice cube tray before! it was mine! In my freshman year of college, she stole it and refused to give it back. I see. What do you think this means? I think it means she still loves me with the same passion she felt for me back then, and that she wants me to drop everything and fly to her and run off with her into the sunset. Sometimes, narcissists will play games just to make sure others are thing about the ... When I asked what it meant, she said That hurts and blocked me!
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-14 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-14 Pub. Date: 2019-06-14
Image Number: 178024
Caption: A book agent who follows my work has been asking to rep me for the last five years. And I keep saying no. I already publish my own books. That way, I have total control. Nobody can tell me what the book should be about. Nobody can give me some artificial deadline. Nobody can ... tell me what my book cover should look like. Nobody can reject your work. I've always felt really strongly about covers, Susan.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-20 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-20 Pub. Date: 2019-04-20
Image Number: 177225
Caption: So you're worried that you may no longer be attractive to the opposite sex. Dr. Noodle. That's entirely normal. I felt that way myself at your age. M.A. You did? Sure. There comes a day when you look in the mirror and realize you're not a stallion anymore. Your coat is greying, and your saddle is too tight. When do you get to be the helpful part? M.A. The trick is realizing that a donkey can be just as beautiful ... ish.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-27 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-27 Pub. Date: 2019-01-27
Image Number: 175735
Caption: Ever since the president announced he'd be pulling troops out of Syria, I've felt like some nefarious entity has put blinders on me. And I only see what they want me to see. Dr. Noodle. I spent all day channel-flipping between MSNBC, Fox and CNN … and reading all the usual newspapers ... and then it hit me ... I didn't read or hear a single voice saying we should not be militarily occupying other people's countries. It's as if the media's entire purpose is to pretend there is no dissenting opinion about our endless wars. Look what happened when Phil Donahue. He had the highest rated show on MSNBC. But as soon as he came out against invading Iraq, he disappeared! Anti-war voices in the media always disappear. That's a bit paran ... Hey ... where'd you ... ?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-14 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-14 Pub. Date: 2019-01-14
Image Number: 175840
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? Jasmine barns, the little black girl who was killed in a shooting. When the police said the suspect was a white man, I was shaken. I was scared. I was afraid it was one more example of racism getting out of control in America. But when the police later said no, the real killer were black ... I felt ... I felt ... relief. That's normal, Lemont. Don't be too hard on yourself. How bad off are we when we can think Oh good, it's just normal gun violence.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-13 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-13 Pub. Date: 2019-01-13
Image Number: 175590
Caption: I'm doing well in my latest Surveymonkey poll. I run polls on all my social media accounts every time I make an important decision. Like when I decide which socks to wear … which movie to stream … which cereal to eat … Today I chose Lucky Charms. A solid choice. 49% of my followers felt that was proof of sound breakfast judgment. Wait ... Doesn't that mean 51% thought it wasn't? Taking a poll is science. Reporting the results is an art. A whopping 32% felt that my sticking with an un-PC breakfast choice showed I was bold enough to be president. You just ate what everyone wished they could eat.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-29 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-29 Pub. Date: 2018-12-29
Image Number: 175589
Caption: Well, another year is coming to a close. I'd like to thank you for a job well done, nemesis. I just serve coffee. Yes, but you do it so poorly, as if you have the coordination of a two-year-old. And ever word out of your mouth is vapid and narcissistic. Day in and day out, you have provided me with a slovenly example of youth that makes me feel very, very good to be old. So ... good job. Thank you for being you, loser! I love being important.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-15 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-15 Pub. Date: 2018-12-15
Image Number: 175380
Caption: This is probably the last snow of the year, Clyde. For all we know, it could be the last snow ever. Want to go out and make snowmen like we used to? Nah, bruh. You wanna know why" … 'Cause I'm a grown-@#$ man. Let the memory show the only reason I didn't get dressed and trudge out into subzero weather to dig my hands in the snow is 'cause you ruined it. Why I feel like I been set up?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-09 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-09 Pub. Date: 2018-12-09
Image Number: 175062
Caption: I feel like I'm always the last one to know, doc. Dr. Noodle. Back in high school, I was in a band called Foss. I showed up expecting it to be a grunge thing. I said Hey, how come I'm the only one in flannel? How come no one else is wearing Doc Martens? Where are your goatees? Turned out it was a punk band. Anyway, fast forward to 2018: I run into a couple of the guys and we start to reminisce. I asked What ever happened to Beto? Turns out he became a politician. They all knew it. I was the last to know. Again. It's like I'm the universe's afterthought. You're talking about Beto O'Rourke? The one who just ran for Senate? Yeah. How'd he do? When's he get sworn in?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-09 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-09 Pub. Date: 2018-11-09
Image Number: 174824
Caption: Do you ever feel, Rosencrantz, as if we're bearing witness to the nation's end? … as if we're sitting beside the hospital bed of an old, grizzled friend … who's about to breathe his final breath? That feeling would be ominous. I don't do ominous. That sounds ominous.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-08 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-08 Pub. Date: 2018-11-08
Image Number: 174823
Caption: Tyrone, how do you feel about the outcome of the election? I've been pondering that. At the first, I imagined I felt baffled. Or perhaps dismayed. Or boggled. Or mystified. Or bewildered. Or stymied. Or perchance, buffaloed … but I think I've settled upon nonplussed. Yes, nonplussed it is. I feel muddled. Just once, I'd like to feel non-minused. Spare change?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-26 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-26 Pub. Date: 2018-10-26
Image Number: 174604
Caption: 'Sup, Big L?* *We now have more years behind us than we have ahead of us. What's up, Clyde?* *Yeah. I used to feel I'd have time to see everything there was to see 'cause I was going to live forever. Cough cough?* *I'm not ready to grow old, Lemont. Yawn* *I don't know how to cope with it either.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-14 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-14 Pub. Date: 2018-10-14
Image Number: 174287
Caption: My friend Miranda asked me what I thought of the outfit she was going to wear to Burning Man. It was very, very … revealing. How did that make you feel? Like she was toying with me. She made it clear twenty years ago that she just wanted to be friends. But here she was showing me something that she had to know would poke my furnace. You mean stoke your furnace. No, I mean poke. My furnace has been stoked since Freshman year -- it took me years to get that down from a raging inferno to a barely perceptible glow. I see. I think. So I juggled the furnace door to make sure it was locked, and then I stood there wondering if she was poking the coals to reignite them, or poking the coals to make sure they were dead. Or, maybe she just wanted a furnace's opinio -- can we not talk in metaphors? I'm confused. I welded shut the furnace door and turned on the A.C. just to be safe.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-05 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-05 Pub. Date: 2018-10-05
Image Number: 174292
Caption: I had to fire someone yesterday. I took no pleasure in it. Solace, though. I felt solace. And maybe a little satisfaction. And some bliss. Joy, contentment, revelry, gratification, tingles, amusement, giddiness, joie de vivre … titillation … but now pleasure. Sorry. That's ok, there's always next time.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-24 feel 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-24 Pub. Date: 2018-09-24
Image Number: 174191
Caption: I wrote a very realistic screenplay that subverts all the usual Hollywood cliches. We don't see the protagonist in a moody bar when he feels down; we spend an hour watching him fall asleep all alone in front of his TV … and when he tries to stop a wedding, it takes him half an hour to find a good parking spot, and he misses the whole thing. We watch him circle the block for half an hour. Cliches are cliches for a reason.
     
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