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Candorville

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181. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-05 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-05 Pub. Date: 2018-03-05
Image Number: 169163
Caption: What Donald Trump up to now, dawg? That fool crazy. I don't know what Donald Trump's up to, Clyde. I refuse to keep paying him any attention. I don't slow down to watch accidents on the freeway, I don't watch reality shows, and I don't think about Trump. I'm above all that. If he said at 10:04 this morning he'd wanna ban all Muslim immigrants, I bet you'd know about it by 10:05. He already ... um ... never mind.
     
182. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-20 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-20 Pub. Date: 2018-02-20
Image Number: 168661
Caption: Let me ask you, Mr. Dogg, are you sexually active? I ain't get no complaints. But I don't mean to brag. Plus we don't really know each other like that, so you should mind your business. What? What?
     
183. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-14 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-14 Pub. Date: 2018-02-14
Image Number: 168415
Caption: Daddy? Can I thee Bwack Panthew? No, son, you can't see Black Panther. There'll be lots of people doing not-nice things in that movie. I don't want you seeing all that fighting. But ith onwy make-beweave fighting, not weaw fighting. Do you need me to ecthpwain the diffwenth? No, son, I don't need you to explain the difference. Are you thure? You theem to.
     
184. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-11 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-11 Pub. Date: 2018-02-11
Image Number: 167702
Caption: Told you fellers Trump would make America great ag'n. He weren't lyin', neither. At&T gave out bonuses. Sure they laid off a buncha folks at the same time, but twasn't none of them me, so that don't count. Wal-Mart gave a buncha workers raises … An' they laid off a buncha folks at Sam's Club at the same time, but twasn't none of them me, go that don't count. MAGA. Over a hundred companies are givin' out one-time $1000 bonuses an' sayin' it's 'cause of the billions of dollars in tax cuts they got. During the last gilded age, the robber barons sometimes handed out pocket change to the poor. They were placating the masses who wanted to break up their huge, unscrupulous, slave-wage-paying corporations. Sounds like fake hist'ry to me. Just saying, $1000 isn't much to pay for pitchfork insurance. We eat the poor.
     
185. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-05 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-05 Pub. Date: 2018-02-05
Image Number: 168180
Caption: You know my favorite part of the president's State of the Union speech? Tell me. The lame SJW response by that beta Congressman Joe Kennedy III. It was equal parts virtue-signaling, multiculturalism, political correctness, and run-of-the-mill snowflakery. (Sigh) ... labeling-away speech and people we don't like is one of mankind's oldest pastimes. Spoken like a typical, deep-state, crybaby, anti-neoreacitonaryist.
     
186. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-04 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-04 Pub. Date: 2018-02-04
Image Number: 167354
Caption: More than 170 million of us might have radium in our tap water, Clyde. Radium. Do you have any idea what this means? What it mean, Big L? Canada or Bust! It means we may be drinking radioactive water. It could cause all sorts of things: anemia, bone cancer, cataracts, fractured teeth, death ... invisibility, super speed, wings, teleportation, mind-reading, laser eyes, crime-fighting, and a spandex-and-cape fetish. I'm just trying to look on the bright side of living in a country where the White House keeps nominating a person who's known for falsifying data to get around water safety regulations to be head of the White House Council of Environmental Quality. I don't drink nothin' but Pepsi, bruh, so I don't care 'bout none of this. I'm gonna have to start working out if I have to wear spandex.
     
187. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-03 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-03 Pub. Date: 2018-02-03
Image Number: 167922
Caption: Twitter. Lemont Brown @candorville. Siri, remind me to have Amazon send my extra strength foot fungus cream in an unmarked package. Don't want nosy neighbors to see it and tweet about it or anything.
     
188. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-02 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-02 Pub. Date: 2018-02-02
Image Number: 167921
Caption: 1980. I don't think I like that Luke Skywalker can fly. What do you mean? Jedi can't fly. That's silly. Then how come he flew up out of that carbonite pit when Vader tried to freezify him? And how come he changed direction while he was falling on Cloud City and flew right into that trash chute? None of that happened. Yes it did! (Sigh) You didn't even notice it 'cause movies always show men doing amazing things. I bet if Princess Leia were to ever fly, men everywhere would get their Underoos all in a bunch over it. You don't give us men enough credit.
     
189. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-01 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-01 Pub. Date: 2018-02-01
Image Number: 167920
Caption: Spoiler warning for The Last Jedi is all you had to say, bruh. It's been months. If people haven't seen it yet, that's their own problem. Still, don't nobody wanna know that Princess Leia flies like Mary Poppins. Why's it have to be Mary Poppins? That's sexist. Fine. Peter Pan. You happy?
     
190. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-31 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-31 Pub. Date: 2018-01-31
Image Number: 167919
Caption: Do you have the time? Time? Time? Do you know the so-called experts say there's no such thing? First they said it was 3pm on the east coast when it's noon here. Then they said if you move faster, time moves slower. Then they said now for us might be a million years in the past for someone in another galaxy. It's ok to say I don't know what time it is. If Einstein doesn't have to make up his mind about what time it is, neither do I? Canada or bust!
     
191. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-27 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-27 Pub. Date: 2018-01-27
Image Number: 167655
Caption: Hi momma, how are you doing? It's Lemont. Your son. What do you mean it can't be. It is. What do you mean the real Lemont is busy sending me videos of my grandson like he promised. I did send you videos. What do you mean they don't work? Did you press play? What do you mean ... (sigh) Did you press the triangle? (Sigh) No, momma, I can't just send a VHS.
     
192. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-22 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-22 Pub. Date: 2018-01-22
Image Number: 167650
Caption: A teacher stood up during a public comment portion of a school board meeting … and calmly said it was wrong to give their unelected superintendent a $38,000 pay raise while the teachers got nothing and class sizes grew. Lemme guess what was next. A cop threw her to the ground, cuffed her, dragged her outta there an' arrested her. Clyde! You started watching the news? Don't need to, bruh. America a police state.
     
193. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-19 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-19 Pub. Date: 2018-01-19
Image Number: 167359
Caption: Oh, you got a big date tonight? Glad you came in. I could do somethin' for you. I could tell you ain't no haircut in the world gonna make a woman like you. If she like you, she like you. In fact, only thing a woman like more than a man who's all put together is a man she can put together. I don't think we like the same type of woman. Women like a scar, too. I could give you one. That'd be extra. (Originally published on 2016-01-01).
     
194. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-18 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-18 Pub. Date: 2018-01-18
Image Number: 167358
Caption: This C-Dog. Whachoo want, fool? Clyde, it's me, Lemont. I just wanna say thanks for watching Lionel for me tonight. Just an FYI: I'm potty training him, so please don't put a diaper on him till bedtime. Also, he's refusing to use the potty, so he may jump up and run around the house in mid-poop. Why you ain't tell me all this BEFORE I agreed to watch him?! No reason. (Originally published on 2015-12-31)
     
195. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-16 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-16 Pub. Date: 2018-01-16
Image Number: 167356
Caption: I've considered what you said, about how every story, change only occurs after an interlude. But those are stories, Rosencrantz, not real life. In real life, the biggest changes often occur randomly and unexpectedly. There usually is no calm before the storm. We often jarringly shift from one storm to the next. And unlike with fictional characters, the actions of real people often don't make sense. I still demand to know why you took my shoe. (Originally published on 2015-12-29).
     
196. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-12 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-12 Pub. Date: 2018-01-12
Image Number: 167093
Caption: Son, you're almost three. Three-year-olds don't jump on their beds. I'm not jumping, daddy. I'm flying … Carry on.
     
197. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-11 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-11 Pub. Date: 2018-01-11
Image Number: 167092
Caption: I'm a big fan of minimalism. Less is more. For instance, last night … I was watching "Grace's Review" on YouTube. She went off on the movie "The Post," implying it didn't tell the whole story about the "Pentagon Papers" incident. I replied "you are part of the problem. Don't just imply there was another side to the story, say what that other side was! Otherwise you're basically just shouting "fake news!" Like any other partisan hack!" Then I deleted that and just wrote "you." ... I think I still got my point across.
     
198. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-09 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-09 Pub. Date: 2018-01-09
Image Number: 167090
Caption: … So then I told him "You've begged me to untie you no less than fifteen times already. I'm sick of it." Pardon me. Couldn't help but overhear. It's actually "fewer," not "less." "Fewer" is for things you count. "Less" is for things you don't count. How'd you like to have fewer days ahead of you? Yes, yes. Much better.
     
199. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-08 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-08 Pub. Date: 2018-01-08
Image Number: 167089
Caption: How was your New Years? Great. This year, I was designated good guy with a gun. You know how every year, bozos all over America fire off their semi-automatic rifles into the air to ring in the new year? Well, the NRA has a hotline for that. You call it, they send out a good guy with a gun to blast all those bullets out of the sky before they can come back down on you and your kids ... You're joking, right? Of course I'm joking. Everyone knows those bullets don't come back down.
     
200. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
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