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Candorville

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381. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-10 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-10 Pub. Date: 2016-07-10
Image Number: 144955
Caption: Let's watch "Lou Grant" on Hulu. "Lou Grant"? Ain't that that show your momma used to watch when we was kids? Yeah. I ran out of things to watch, so I figured I'd finally check out some of the shows that bored me to death when I was young. It was really depressing. If it was depressin', why you wanna watch it? I mean it's depressing how good it is. Our parents' generation had writers and actors who knew how to use mature, flawed characters to tell stories that really examined human nature in all its intricacies. And it's set in a major newspaper back when they were still widely read and mostly family-owned, and saw what they did as a calling. When I think of all the time I wasted watching "Sesame Street" when I could've watched this ... I don't watch nothin' older than the milk in my fridge, bruh. That's policy.
     
382. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-25 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-25 Pub. Date: 2016-06-25
Image Number: 144902
Caption: Sir, I just found out Gary earns 15% more than I do. I'd like an explanation. Well, it's simple, Garcia: Gary has a wife to support. You don't. That's why he's paid more.. Seriously, sir? That explanations the worst. But earlier you said you'd "like" it. You lied. And you wonder why Gary's paid more.
     
383. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-23 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-23 Pub. Date: 2016-06-23
Image Number: 144900
Caption: When are you going to teach your son about death? Never. If your toenail falls off, have you died? If you lose a foot to a grizzly bear, have you died? If a wild kangaroo rips off both your arms, have you died? If you can survive without parts of your body, who's to say you don't survive without the whole body? You can't just avoid having hard talks with your son. I don't want him to survive dying and then call me a liar.
     
384. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-20 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-20 Pub. Date: 2016-06-20
Image Number: 144897
Caption: I'm sick of people saying women earn 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. That's been debunked already. It's more like 95 cents. They earn only a nickel less when it's the exact same job. You know a lot of industries still won't hire women for the "exact same job"? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
385. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-18 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-18 Pub. Date: 2016-06-18
Image Number: 144567
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? There's a new Star Trek tv show coming next year. Isn't that a good thing? Star Trek is like a religion to you. Don't you see? When they canceled the first show, I wasn't even born. When they canceled the last show, I was almost thirty. When they cancel this next one, I'll be an old man! So? It happens ... and you, you'll be an old woman, Susan. Never.
     
386. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-13 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-13 Pub. Date: 2016-06-13
Image Number: 144562
Caption: Trump Campaign. John Barron speaking. Hi, I'm Lemont Brown with the Candorville Post. Right, we cover news, culture, opinion … I'm sure you've heard of us. We have 300,000 readers every day online. Mr. Trump says he's never heard of you, you're a total loser, you're overrated, and nobody likes you. He also says you don't treat him fairly. Probably because you're black ... He'd like me to add that nobody loves the blacks more than he does. They're tremendous.
     
387. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-30 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-30 Pub. Date: 2016-05-30
Image Number: 143918
Caption: Bill Cosby's standing trial for criminal sexual assault in Pennsylvania. It's shocking, Susan … Shocking that it doesn't shock me at all to say that anymore. We get used to anything. And I don't know whether that's good or bad. I'm still shocked. Maybe you're just jaded. Eh ... I've heard that a million times.
     
388. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-28 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-28 Pub. Date: 2016-05-28
Image Number: 143642
Caption: My son wants "Pajama Diaries" to win "Best Comic Strip" at tonight's awards because he likes pajamas. And with that, I became convinced Donald Trump will be our next president. Don't get me wrong, I love "Pajama Diaries." I'd be thrilled if it won. But I don't love what my son's reasoning says about humanity. We base our choices on highly personal, irrational reasons, and then we rationalize them after the fact. Aren't you being a little hard on a two-year-old? Don't you see? A lot of people vote with their inner two-year-olds.
     
389. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-24 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-24 Pub. Date: 2016-05-24
Image Number: 143638
Caption: I don't know why fools be keepin' useless junk from long ago. What the point of that is? How often you gonna open that box in your garage to look at the apple you finger-painted when you was four? They ain't no future generations gonna enshrine your third-grade diary in the Smithsonian. Ain't nobody gonna care 'bout no package Amazon delivered to your doorstep last week. I said give me back my package!
     
390. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-22 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-22 Pub. Date: 2016-05-22
Image Number: 143085
Caption: 1984. Do you think Terrence likes me, Lemont? Who's "Terrence"? I don't know any "Terrence." I know a "Turbo," and a "C-dog," and a "Rerun," and a "Big Oatmeal," and a "Greazy." I know a "Night Court," a "Shorty," a "Cheese-face," a "Rocky," and "Airwolf," a "Riptide," a "Boss," a "Voltron," a "Schoolbreak Special," and a "Big Cheeto." In fact, I'm pretty sure if there was a "Terrence" in our class, he'd go to great lengths to make sure none of us ever knew it. You've asked me an unanswerable question, Susan. The fact he told you his name was "Terrence" is either proof he loves you or proof he's trying to push you away. How come you don't have a nickname? The only on I wanted was "Prince," but living up to it would be too much pressure.
     
391. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-09 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-09 Pub. Date: 2016-05-09
Image Number: 143021
Caption: Do you remember the very first time YOU got mad at someone? I don’t. It's one of those millions of "firsts" that are lost to time. Do you realize that everyone carrying around iPhones and Androids at all times has changed that, for the first time in human history? Whatever. I still don't think your son will ever appreciate your keeping a video of you accidentally dropping him in the toilet. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-24).
     
392. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-08 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-08 Pub. Date: 2016-05-08
Image Number: 142479
Caption: I read that dumb article you wrote, where you said we should have magical fairies deliver caramel-covered mountains of cash in sacks made of rainbows to every man, woman and child. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Don't do it … Don't do it … That's not all that I wrote. I wrote that we should give our war veterans better access to health care, education, and job training. If you have to explain what you wrote, then what you wrote wasn't very clear. Gah!!!
     
393. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-06 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-06 Pub. Date: 2016-05-06
Image Number: 142722
Caption: If the sleeping pills I prescribed for you don't work, I want you to try guided meditation. You'll close your eyes and imagine yourself rising into the warm heavens. The worry and anxiety in your face melts away. Focus on the darkness behind your eyelids. Imagine that darkness turning into outer space. The stars beckon you to join them. You float to them. You become one with them. That's when the great truth of the universe reveals itself to you, and you learn ... we're out of time. That'll be $100. OH COME ON!!!
     
394. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-04 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-04 Pub. Date: 2016-05-04
Image Number: 142720
Caption: What you called me last night at two a.m. for, Big L? I don't know. I just didn't want to sleep, I guess. Every time I start to drift off, I begin to have this dream I really don't want to have. So I'm just going to stay awake until my subconscious mind gives up and forgets about that dream. I ain't never seen a man play "chicken" with hisself before. I'm going to show me who's boss if it kills me.
     
395. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-03 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-03 Pub. Date: 2016-05-03
Image Number: 142719
Caption: You look awful. When's the last time you got some sleep? 154 hours ago. Dios mio, Lemont! That could kill you! What are you thinking?! I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, I'll have this dream that I don't want to have. Well you can't go six days with not sleep! That might be what killed Prince! Even just three days is enough to make people hallucinate! You've got to sleep! She may have a point. No she doesn't.
     
396. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-02 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-02 Pub. Date: 2016-05-02
Image Number: 142718
Caption: Hey Clyde, it's me. You still up? Is it goin' down now? Is what going down now? I'm just calling to say hi 'cause I can't get to sleep. What're you talking about? I told you don't never call me at night 'less somethin' goin' down. Like a heart attack, or somebody hurt, or the revolution's come. Who was your favorite Vulcan? "Thwak," son of "Don't be callin' me again."
     
397. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-24 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-24 Pub. Date: 2016-04-24
Image Number: 141854
Caption: What's wrong wit' you, Big L? Nothing makes sense anymore. In Star Trek, they almost never jump to warp speed until they've left a star system. It takes light from the sun about eight minutes to reach earth. It takes 5.3 hours for that same sunlight to reach Pluto. And yet, it only takes the Enterprise one minute or so to leave a star system. Don't you see ... every time they use their impulse drive to leave a star system, they're still traveling faster than light. But they're not yet warping space. That means they should be affected by time dilation. For every second that passes for them, weeks or months should pass back on earth. Just like e'ry second of this conversation for you be like months for me. Exactly! Even you can understand that!
     
398. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-21 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-21 Pub. Date: 2016-04-21
Image Number: 142115
Caption: I signed my child up for preschool. Say what? You don't have a child, Susan. You don't even want children. You seem to be allergic to them. I know. But I like to prepare for anything. What if, years or decades from now, I change my mind? Waiting lists are way too long for the good preschools. I want "Justin Case" to have the best start in life ... That's the name I put down.
     
399. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-18 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-18 Pub. Date: 2016-04-18
Image Number: 142112
Caption: I'm interviewing Hillary Clinton tonight, but I can't find my phone. Did I leave it at your place, Clyde? Yeh. But don't worry, I handled business for you, bruh. What's that mean? Some fool named "Pulitzer" called you, said you won somethin'. I told him to save that scam for someone who don't know better, an' I insulted his momma for you.
     
400. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-17 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-17 Pub. Date: 2016-04-17
Image Number: 141571
Caption: I'm so happy, doc. I think I'm falling madly in love with an Israeli women I met in Turkey. Dr. Noodle. That's interesting. Just last month, you were still in love with Kelly. And the month before that, you were in love with Marie. And two months before that, it was Sharquisha. You're constantly falling in and out of love. Out? Who said anything about "out"? I still love every woman I've ever loved. With all my heart and soul. With the intensity of the big bang itself. You don't like seeing things end, do you? I've Facebook friended everyone I've ever met.
     
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