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Candorville

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241. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-26 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-26 Pub. Date: 2017-09-26
Image Number: 163098
Caption: Did you hear me on the radio today, Clyde? The whole world heard you, Big L. You said eretime anyone mentions the new Star Trek show Discovery … and army of mindless drones reply "The Orville look more like Star Trek than Star Trek do." Yeah, but I was making a larger point about how the internet encourages groupthink. You just mad the group don't think like you.
     
242. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
243. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-15 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-15 Pub. Date: 2017-09-15
Image Number: 162601
Caption: Six months, bruh. Six months till they start deporting 800,000 "dreamers" to countries they don't know how to live in. I dug a hole in my closet an' I got canned food. I'm ready. Ready for what? Ain't you never read "Anne Frank's Diary"? What are you asking: Have I read it, or have I never read it? You and your double negatives. Ain't you never heard of the Underground Railroad? Now you're just messing with me.
     
244. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-14 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-14 Pub. Date: 2017-09-14
Image Number: 162600
Caption: I don't want to be that guy, but … But what? Well … you notice anything about all the old sitcoms they're bringing back? "Full House" … "Will & Grace" … "Roseanne" … "Gilmore Girls" … How come nobody's talking about bringing back "227" … "A Different World" ... "Living Single" ... "Family Matters" ... "Moesha" ... "The Cosby Show" ... Stop trying to change the subject and admit you lost that argument we had two weeks ago. Wait, wait ... scratch "The Cosby Show."
     
245. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-12 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-12 Pub. Date: 2017-09-12
Image Number: 162598
Caption: This is Nightly News with Martin Niemoller. First they came for the travelers from Muslim countries … then they came for the Latino criminals who were here illegally. Then they came for legal immigrants who don't know English. Then they came for the hard-working, decent, productive Latinos who were brought here illegally as kids and know no other country. That's too bad. Hey, I feel like a ham sandwich. Hey wait, you might want to hear the rest of this ...
     
246. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-07 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-07 Pub. Date: 2017-09-07
Image Number: 162345
Caption: Tyrone, in all the decades we've known each other, I've never once heard you sing. I sing all the time, Rosencrantz. When I see a child smile, my hearts sings. When I find a tasty burger in the dumpster, my taste buds sing. Those who sing on the inside don't have to sing on the outside. Lean on me ... when you're not strong, I'll be your ... Stop being an exhibitionist. Spare change?
     
247. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-05 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-05 Pub. Date: 2017-09-05
Image Number: 162343
Caption: Do you know how know there's no god, Rosencrantz? Because we've been abandoned. Will eat for food. I once spun a top, Tyrone. I spun it and I walked away. How it fell, I have no idea. But I know this: An intelligent being spun that top. I thought you said you spun that top. Don't resent me just because I just blew your mind.
     
248. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-03 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-03 Pub. Date: 2017-09-03
Image Number: 161589
Caption: If Democrats know what's good for them, they'll move further right. That's how they can win elections. All my conservative friends agree. And we tell that to every Democrat we see every chance we get. That's very considerate of you, to help out the opposition like that. Oh, I've always been considerate. When I was a small child, I used to let other kids copy my test answers before I changed them to the right ones. Wait ... what was that? What was what? You said you let kids copy your wrong answers before you changed them to the right answers. Did I? I don't think so. You did. It's exactly what you just said you did. If you know what's good for you, you'll just passively accept what others say without thinking too much about it. Let me guess: Your class was graded on a curve?
     
249. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-01 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-01 Pub. Date: 2017-09-01
Image Number: 162091
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Wanna go hang out on the roof? Don’t you do that with Susan? Where she at? She's not talking to me right now. I told her I couldn't just take Joss Whedon's wife's account of their marriage at face value, because people sometimes don't tell the entire truth. Them's your mistake, bruh. You shoulda had just one thing to say 'bout the whole issue: "I don't care 'bout that." I think that's a dangerous philosophy. If something's in the news we've got to care. Wanna know why? I don't care 'bout that.
     
250. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-30 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-30 Pub. Date: 2017-08-30
Image Number: 162089
Caption: What do you mean you don't take Joss Whedon's ex-wife's article at face value? She wrote that he cheated on her for years. That settles everything. No it doesn't. All we heard is her side of the story. And she said at one point she moved away from her personal values to get closer to him. What does that mean. I'll tell you what it might mean: It might mean she knew more than she's letting on, but she was ok with it all the way until he decided to divorce her. Only then did she go back and rewrite history to portray herself as the totally unsuspecting victim. Is this about how your ex lied to the court about you? Is this about how your ex cheated on you?
     
251. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-29 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-29 Pub. Date: 2017-08-29
Image Number: 162088
Caption: I read that article you wrote about how DC bringing Joss Whedon to "lighten up" the Justice League movie is endemic of America's refusal to confront harsh realities. How could you, Lemont? What, you don’t agree? Remember how upset America got when Batman V. Superman didn't have enough jokes amidst all the carnage? No, I mean how could you write anything about the philandering cad after his wife published an article about how he cheated on her for 15 years! Don't say anything if you know what's good for you. I think this is a debate I can win.
     
252. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-28 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-28 Pub. Date: 2017-08-28
Image Number: 162087
Caption: You know how Marvel had heroes star in separate movies, and then they all united in "The Avengers"? And then on Netflix Marvel had separate series, and then they all united in "The Defenders"? Why don't newspaper comic strips do that? You've got a couple hundred separate characters who've been building an audience for decades. What if the protagonists from "The Oldersons," "23 Skiddoo" and "Should've Ended in 1950" got together? It'd be epic. They could call it "The Dependers." Careful, you ain't all that young neither, bruh.
     
253. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-27 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-27 Pub. Date: 2017-08-27
Image Number: 161361
Caption: Excuse me, sir, if it's not too much trouble … Hi, Democrats. What can I get you? Coffee Sandwiches? An explanation. We introduced our bold new plan last month: "A Better Deal," but the progressives still aren't impressed. What more could they ask for? We focus-group tested the heck out of the slogan. It was the least objectionable and least un-inspiring of the bunch! It evokes FDR's "New Deal" and LBJ's "Fair Deal" without over-promising. We don't want to risk over-promising. It even sounded progressive! We mentioned tax credits to retrains workers, a $15 minimum wage (eventually), regulating prescription drug prices, and busting monopolies, maybe. We even said we'd think about forming a committee to consider considering sing-payer health care, among many other more corporate-donor-friendly options that aren't single-payer. And we introduced it with an editorial vowing not to expand government or move our party in one direction or another along the political spectrum. Bold! So why didn't that fire up the progressive base? ... Hello?
     
254. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-26 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-26 Pub. Date: 2017-08-26
Image Number: 161805
Caption: I saw all them tweets you made this mornin' about how both sides need to come together … about how even though both sides have very different views of what our defining principles ought to be, we should respect each other. I was almost with you right till the last tweet, which don't make no sense, bruh. #startrekdiscovery fans + #oldschooltrek fans, stop the madness! is pretty self-explanatory, Clyde. What language is you even speaking?
     
255. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-18 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-18 Pub. Date: 2017-08-18
Image Number: 161535
Caption: 1982. Mr. Barnhouse said the ancient Greeks thought gorillas were a myth. And people thought manatees were myths too. People used to think the platypus was a hoax. But it's real! … or so they'd like us to believe. You know what this means, right? It means every other creature that's thought to be a myth must also be real. I really don't think Pegasus, Medusa and the Kraken are real. I've just scientifically proven they are. Don't be so anti-science.
     
256. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-14 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-14 Pub. Date: 2017-08-14
Image Number: 161531
Caption: Remember when we were kids, we used to talk about all the places we wanted to visit? Yeah. Well … I'm halfway through my list, and I've realized something. Some of the countries I wanted to visit don't exist anymore. You know what that mean, Lemont? It means you're very, very old, Susan. You ever realize you've said something out loud that you didn't mean to say out loud? It means someday our country won't be h ... Wait, what?
     
257. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-13 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-13 Pub. Date: 2017-08-13
Image Number: 160919
Caption: Hi momma … What do you mean you've been deported? … Yes, yes, I do know about your love for bean pie. What's that have to do with … Really? ICE raided Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack? … But why would they think you weren't a citizen? … So what if you didn't have ID! This is Ameri -- They did what? They asked you questions to make you prove you're a citizen? ... What questions? ... I see. Listen, momma, when armed goons handcuff you and demand that you tell them who the president it, I don't care what your politics are, you don't answer "Donald Duck." ... Yes, momma, I do see the similarities. But the time for political satire is before they come for you. Not during. Yes, I am flossing regular -- Momma, let me call a lawyer -- Yes, I know, but Cousin Pookie is a divorce attorney. No, it's not the same --
     
258. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-12 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-12 Pub. Date: 2017-08-12
Image Number: 161296
Caption: But --- I said "no." Mainstream Media Don't you want to hear what Donald Trump Tweeted? No!
     
259. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-10 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161294
Caption: You remember the other day, when I said we're behind a lot of other countries in a lot of areas? Well, I wrote an article about that for Candorville.com. Within 15 minutes, I counted over 3,000 replies that included a variant of the phrase "If you don't like it here, go someplace else." So I did a little more research, and then posted an article about how we're far behind a lot of other countries in "going someplace else." ... That's when I found out we're number one in the amount of angry comments posted in all-caps. I been out of the state once. That was weird.
     
260. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-06 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-06 Pub. Date: 2017-08-06
Image Number: 160565
Caption: Your latest article was a little confusing, Lemont. What's confusing about my having solved Fermi's paradox? I've single-handedly explained how the universe could be filled with civilization, even though we've seen no evidence them. Did you know there's a possibility our universe exists within a black hole? ... and every black hole in our universe may contain an entire universe of its own? I've heard that. And did you know that people ultimately just can't stand those who are different from them? Don't you see, Susan? There is no paradox. When a civilization advances far enough, it doesn't fly to other stars. It thinks much bigger. It creates a black hole and vanishes into it so it can have a whole universe to itself. They could shape it and write its natural laws however they want. The Berniezoidians could have a whole universe full of single-payer healthcare, ... and the Trumpmagans could have a whole universe full of no undocumented immigrants. Oh. I was just confused about the part where you wrote "The Trumpmagans still insist Mexico will pay for the event horizon."
     
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