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1. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-09-16 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-09-16 |
| Image Number: |
179498 |
| Caption: |
Dick Fink, if Lemont Brown calls, can you put it through? Afraid not, ma'am. I don't work on the Sabbath. The Sabbath is a day of rest. Even the Lord doesn't work on the Sabbath. The Sabbath is Saturday. Today is Monday. I don't consult calendars on the Sabbath.
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2. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-09-15 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-09-15 |
| Image Number: |
179422 |
| Caption: |
Hello? Hi. Could I start you with some coffee? No thanks, that might make me too excited, and I'm in a presidential debate in a few hours. I'm Patsy Milquetoast, 23rd person on the Democratic debate stage. Who? Don't you remember me from the last debate? I'm the one who took a bold stand against boldness. I thought that was that John Delaney guy, who kept saying we can't do big things. I thought John was being too confrontational when he said all that. You can't beat someone by confronting them. Um ... I hope my saying that didn't offend you ... not that there'd be anything wrong with you being offended.
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3. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-09-13 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-09-13 |
| Image Number: |
179398 |
| Caption: |
The world's going to censored Susan. I don’t think it's wrong for me to want one last shot at absolute euphoria. How about it, Susan? Just you and me. But … Lemont … What about your girlfriend? I don't think she'd mind if I saw Coming to America 2 with you.
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4. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-09-12 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-09-12 |
| Image Number: |
179397 |
| Caption: |
I'm tellin' you, Big L, it's a exciting time to be alive. Kids in cages … Right wing demagogues subverting democracies all over the world … mass shootings … climate change … No, Clyde, I don't see what's so exciting about these times. Eddie Murphy comin' all the way back, bruh. Cages, Clyde. Cages!
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5. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-09-05 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-09-05 |
| Image Number: |
179297 |
| Caption: |
When I was ten, I wrote a short story about a future dystopian earth … in which white supremacists had infiltrated everything from the local police departments to the Oval Office. Propaganda had brainwashed half the country. Our votes no longer counted. Our President was a conniving would-be dictator who was imprisoning children. Toward the end, I had the Amazon rainforest burning up and dying. No ... I still don't believe the 21st century is all your fault. I even depicted Bill Cosby in prison ... Although for a totally different reason.
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6. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-25 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-25 |
| Image Number: |
179092 |
| Caption: |
How was your day, Lemont? Horrible. I gave a speech to a high school assembly about the importance of journalism. Halfway through, I realized almost nobody was paying attention. They were all staring at their laps. Turns out most of them were on their phones. Square drones, yeah ... weird/ Seriously? Were you on your phone just now? Of course not. I don't know what you mean by Were you on your phone just now. How about a web search for it?
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7. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-23 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-23 |
| Image Number: |
179097 |
| Caption: |
Seems like we may be headed for a recession. Is now a good time to get out of the stock market? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. Nah, bruh, now the time to put half your money in McDonald's an' KFC an' let it ride. In hard times, people be double-fisting that comfort food, Big L. Recessions don't last forever, though. That's why you put the other half into 48-Hour Fitness.
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8. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-22 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-22 |
| Image Number: |
179096 |
| Caption: |
80s toys was no joke, bruh. My Voltron had a sword that oculd put a kid eye out. 'Member how my Shogun warrior had a gist that shot off an' would go right down a kid throat if you aimed it wrong? 'Member that time us kids was all mail-ordering razor sharp Ninja throwing stars? I still don't agree that kids today are too soft. A few childhood lacerations never hurt nobody.
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9. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-20 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-20 |
| Image Number: |
179094 |
| Caption: |
Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
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10. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-19 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-19 |
| Image Number: |
179093 |
| Caption: |
Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
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11. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-15 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-15 |
| Image Number: |
178997 |
| Caption: |
Let me get this straight: You have a moral objection to covering birth-control pills, even though it's often prescribed for medical reasons. I shouldn't have to pay so that women can have sex without facing any consequences. But you don't have a problem covering Viagra and vasectomies ... even though Viagra only exists so that men can have sex, and vasectomies only exist so that men can have sex without consequences. That's different. men are supposed to sow their wild oats. Women aren't. Who do you think they're sowing oats with?!
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12. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-11 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-11 |
| Image Number: |
178906 |
| Caption: |
I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. How so I know you're you? Today's special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. Pardon? The real Uncle Mort always orders espresso. But a month ago, just for laughs, I took a picture of him with Faceapp, that app that show what you'll look like decades older. Then we discovered the app's fine print says you're granting the Russians who made it permission to use your photos for any reason. How do I know you're not a Russian spy surgically altered to look like Uncle Mort? (Words indicating Russian language). I mean, Don't be paranoid. Yeah ... Yeah I guess you're right.
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13. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-09 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-09 |
| Image Number: |
178910 |
| Caption: |
I read your one-sided article about the harsh conditions in our cozy camps. Border camps. So a few migrant kids and a few congresspeople told you the detainees were being mistreated. So what? That's just hearsay. Why don't you go see for yourself, and report the way it really is? Huh? Why? Because they won't let journalists in. Lame excuses.
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14. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-08 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-08 |
| Image Number: |
178909 |
| Caption: |
Remember how I said ICE detained that 18-year-old American citizen for nearly a month? He said when they finally let him go, he'd lost over 20 pounds because food was scarce in the camp. Detainees have said the older kids often give their rations to the little ones to keep them from crying because the crying angers the guards. What country is this?! Careful, if they think you don't know, they might come for you.
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15. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-31 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-31 |
| Image Number: |
178783 |
| Caption: |
What's your question for Ask Sadie? Are America's best days behind us? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in grade school when the schoolmarm told little Jebediah Thistlewood to pull up his knickers. The next day, Jebediah's pa came to school and said In my day, a man was free enough to wear his trousers 'round his ankles if he wanted to. This used to be one humdinger of a country. I still have no idea what he was talking about. I don't even remember what I asked you.
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16. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-29 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-29 |
| Image Number: |
178781 |
| Caption: |
Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character. I thought my job depended on it. I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal. You said Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy ... that's just a figure of speech. You went on to say I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech. That was a figure of speech too.
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17. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-28 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-28 |
| Image Number: |
178668 |
| Caption: |
You got some money I could hold right quick? My boy Tashif Sheefy McFly Turner got arrested in Detroit, bruh. I don't know, Clyde … What'd they arrest this guy for? He was painting a mural the city hired him to paint. Naturally, the cops arrested him for vandalism. A city official came down an' told the cops what was up. So all of a sudden they arrested him for somethin' else: resisting, obstructing ... havin' a outstanding traffic ticket ... Geez ... All right, I just sent you money. I think it's great you want to bail him out. Boop boop. Bail who out? He been got out weeks ago. Thanks for the money, though, Big L. Give me back my money!
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18. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-27 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-27 |
| Image Number: |
178674 |
| Caption: |
Boss, I've got a new idea. I think it'll double - no, triple - our sales. Not again. No, hear me out. This one's great. You know how we've been trying to figure out a way to keep customers from going to Coffee King? Yes. We've paid sweatshops in Foreignvania to post negative Yelp reviews ... We've planted rats in their kitchen ... and we've besmirched their name in many ways. Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them? Where's the fun in that.
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19. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-19 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-19 |
| Image Number: |
178563 |
| Caption: |
Why you always thinkin' 'bout people goin' to Mars and whatnot, bruh? We should fix our own problems down here 'fore we go up there. Gah! I hate when people say that! Don't you know that mankind colonizing other planets might be the single most unifying thing we could ever do?! And the tech we create to keep us alive out there could clean up the earth! And ... You're just pushing my buttons on purpose! Has some time to kill while Youtube was loading.
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20. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-07-16 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-07-16 |
| Image Number: |
178560 |
| Caption: |
In just one handful of soil, there are about 50 million bacteria. Oh wow. There's a biomass of billions of tons of microbes living 600 meters underground. Do you have any idea what this means, Susan? It means there's more bacteria deep inside the earth than animals on the surface of it. But on the other hand, it's all gross, so we still come out ahead. Don't get the biomass angry, Lemont.
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