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Candorville

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161. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-22 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-22 Pub. Date: 2016-04-22
Image Number: 142116
Caption: Hi, this is Lemont Brown. I'm looking for a good preschool for my son, and you come highly recommended. Yes, he interacts "well" with other kids … Yes, he "follows" directions … Yes, he's potty "trained." What do you mean you're rejecting my son? … Seriously? How could you tell I was using air quotes over the phone? ... Hello? Do not lean on door.
     
162. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-21 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-21 Pub. Date: 2016-04-21
Image Number: 142115
Caption: I signed my child up for preschool. Say what? You don't have a child, Susan. You don't even want children. You seem to be allergic to them. I know. But I like to prepare for anything. What if, years or decades from now, I change my mind? Waiting lists are way too long for the good preschools. I want "Justin Case" to have the best start in life ... That's the name I put down.
     
163. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-01 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-01 Pub. Date: 2016-04-01
Image Number: 141137
Caption: You know what I like best about being a dad? When my little boy curls up in my lap and falls asleep. I hold him tight and know he feels warm and safe, and I feel like I can protect him from anything. Even from time. Because as long as he lives, he'll be able to close his eyes and remember this feeling and be two years old again ... hopefully without the wetting himself part. It's important to know when to stop talking.
     
164. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-31 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-31 Pub. Date: 2016-03-31
Image Number: 141136
Caption: You WANT to sleep, son. You know why? Because your dreams are waiting for you. As soon as you sleep, you'll be running through a big, wide field of grass, playing tag with Kermit the Frog. Then you'll be soaring up in the clouds with the birdies and with a flying unicorn. Then you'll be driving a big red fire truck on the rings of Saturn. Your dreams are the only place you can do these things without the authorities taking you away ... Zzzz ...
     
165. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-30 Pub. Date: 2016-03-30
Image Number: 141135
Caption: Son, daddy needs to go night-night. Want to help me go night-night? Ok, I'll help you. Thank you. If you climb under your covers and stay very very still and very very quiet … it'll make me go to sleep, like magic. Only you can do that for daddy, Lionel. That makes you important. I can't help you. If I do, you'll never learn to sleep on your own. If you need daddy, he'll be over here curled up in the fetal position.
     
166. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-27 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-27 Pub. Date: 2016-03-27
Image Number: 140573
Caption: I got a cousin in Flint, Michigan, bruh. He say I could buy a house for $2. You wanna go in on this with me? Between us, we could buy like 500 houses. Yeah, there are lots of reasons for that, Clyde. For instance … haven't you been watching the news? A whole generation of children in Flint has been poisoned by lead in the water, and it may have caused a fatal disease outbreak. Yeh, but that only affect people that use water, bruh. I've been meaning to say, I think you drink WAY too much Pepsi. For a $2 house, I'll bathe in it, too.
     
167. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-24 Pub. Date: 2016-03-24
Image Number: 140811
Caption: Last night, I couldn't wait till my toddler went to sleep so I could relax and watch tv in peace. But once he fell asleep, I missed him so much that I watched his favorite shows till I fell asleep too. I could've watched "Game of Thrones" or a racy movie ... but I watched "Thomas the Train." ... for three hours, Susan. What's wrong with me? Reason #485 why I will never have kids. "Thomas the Train" is actually a pretty subversive show, when you think about it.
     
168. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-01 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-01 Pub. Date: 2016-03-01
Image Number: 139625
Caption: So how's Lionel? Amazing. Guess what happened last night? We were eating dinner. He was playing with his food, so I asked him if he was done, and I reached for this plate. He said "I not done, but you can take it after I done." "Amazing" means something else once you have kids, I guess. He's using compound sentences three years early!
     
169. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-29 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-29 Pub. Date: 2016-02-29
Image Number: 139624
Caption: Goodnight, son. I hafta poop. Are you telling daddy the truth? Yeth. That's the third time you've told me that tonight. And every time, you don't poop. You just sit there and ask me to bring you toys. You're stalling for time, son. I'm on to you. Have you ever heard of "The Boy Who Cried Poop"? I hafta poop.
     
170. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-24 Pub. Date: 2016-02-24
Image Number: 139562
Caption: What's it like havin' a kid, Big L? I'll put it this way, Clyde … You remember how when we were kids, a single drop of water on a little blade of grass would be amazing to you? No, I don’t remember that. Well … now I do. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-05).
     
171. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-19 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-19 Pub. Date: 2016-02-19
Image Number: 139238
Caption: We had a great day today, didn't we son? Did you have fun? Yes! Tell daddy your favorite part of our day, Lionel. We went to the zoo. We went to the moon. We found a whale on Jupiter. Hith name wath Hub Hub. Close enough. He wiked fwench fwies.
     
172. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-14 Pub. Date: 2016-02-14
Image Number: 138656
Caption: I put spyware on my son's computer. Last night, I saw what he's been looking at. Now I feel so guilty. He was watching dozens of Youtube videos detailing the theory that Jar Jar Binks was actually the most powerful evil Jedi in all of "Star Wars." I watched them all. They showed clips from the prequels where Jar Jar was clearly using the Jedi mind trick to manipulate everyone around him. Isaac Asimov was a huge "Star Wars" inspiration. These videos pointed out how Binks is eerily similar to a deceptively buffoonish character named "The Mule" in Asimov's "Foundation" series. It's undeniable. Jar Jar was the real "Phantom Menace," and Lucas must've abandoned that whole idea when we all jumped down his throat about the character. So ... you feel guilty for spying on your child since he wasn't doing anything wrong? I feel guilty for giving George Lucas such a hard time about Phantom Menace. The man was a genius.
     
173. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-28 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-28 Pub. Date: 2016-01-28
Image Number: 138298
Caption: The Double Date. Tell me about yourself, Ace. Not much to tell, really. As a small child I led twelve other children through Siberia on foot to escape the Soviet Union. I fashioned a raft out of twigs and grass and sailed across the Bering Strait to Alaska, where I went on to found a multi-million-dollar blubber company by the age of twelve. You? Same. More or less.
     
174. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-16 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-16 Pub. Date: 2016-01-16
Image Number: 137668
Caption: Hello, mom, you've reached Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm out on a date with a girl other than the one you keep trying to set me up with. Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as she's broken my heart and I'm ready to come to my senses.
     
175. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-14 Pub. Date: 2016-01-14
Image Number: 137666
Caption: I am come that you may have life and have it abundantly. Be not content to live in a basement studio apartment with cable TV jacked from your neighbor across the alley. You are capable of so much more, my child. Am I capable of gettin' some sleep, bruh? Well, excuse me for trying to grant you a divine revelation. Excused.
     
176. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-13 Pub. Date: 2016-01-13
Image Number: 137665
Caption: Behold! I have a plan for you. What? Who that? I am the Lord they God. And I have a plan for you, my child. Well what is it? I was just about to get to that. Clyde, I command thee to go forth and spread … I ain't got all night. Hurry up. Never mind, bruh. I lost interest. That's ok, somehow I've lost my train of thought anyway.
     
177. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-04 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-04 Pub. Date: 2016-01-04
Image Number: 137375
Caption: 1982. Mrs. Desilettes sent us up to the board two at a time to see who could divide faster. Did you win? I put down the chalk and told her "I refuse to participate in your divisive attempt to pit children against one another.? Dios mio. I told her this was how the arms race started. (This cartoon was originally published on 2012-05-17).
     
178. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-31 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-31 Pub. Date: 2015-12-31
Image Number: 137116
Caption: This C-Dog. Whachoo want, fool? Clyde, it's me, Lemont. I just wanna say thanks for watching Lionel for me tonight. Just an FYI: I'm potty training him, so please don't put a diaper on him till bedtime. Also, he's refusing to use the potty, so he may jump up and run around the house in mid-poop. Why you ain't tell me all this BEFORE I agreed to watch him?! No reason.
     
179. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-20 Pub. Date: 2015-12-20
Image Number: 136218
Caption: See all these millions of people, son? Anything they've earned, you can earn too. Anything they've built, you can build too. Anything they've inherited … Anything they've earned you can earn too. Daddy? Why you always not finishing sentences?
     
180. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-11 Pub. Date: 2015-12-11
Image Number: 136223
Caption: I love being inside when it's freezing outside. It makes me feel six years old again, Clyde. It's the same feeling I'd get when I built a fort out of couch cushions. What the -- ? Another stereotype bites the dust. You a grown man, dawg. A real man isn't afraid to be six years old. A real "real man" ain't afraid to put a six-year-old on timeout. Go sit in the corner.
     
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