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Candorville

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121. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-03 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-03 Pub. Date: 2017-03-03
Image Number: 155070
Caption: Every single-parent feels this way, Lemont. When you look at your baby, you know everything he will one day be ultimately depends on you, and you alone … and every time someone else watches him, they're doing you a favor. So you feel pathetic … I was going to say I felt very grateful. Oh. Never mind, then. M.A.
     
122. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-02 Pub. Date: 2017-03-02
Image Number: 155069
Caption: This morning, Lionel asked me how they make cereal and I realized … I had no idea. How am I supposed to keep my baby boy from growing up to be a moron if I can't even answer simple questions? Anyway, I found a video about cereal-making on Youtube and showed it to him. The best brad he'll be able to come up with when he's in school is "My dad can google better than your dad."
     
123. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-20 Pub. Date: 2017-02-20
Image Number: 154801
Caption: Well, you look down, Lemont. What's wrong? What could possibly be wrong? Today, the White House revoked my press credentials for asking one too many questions about their secret ties to Russia … and the Democratic party revoked my press credentials for asking one too many times why they're still using the same loser strategists ... and my baby boy revoked my dad credentials for turning off "Octonauts" one too many times. We all have bad days.
     
124. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-17 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-17 Pub. Date: 2017-02-17
Image Number: 154536
Caption: Son, please go to sleep. Please? Not till you thing me a thong. Lionel, I just sang you a bunch of songs. I sand you "Spock Had a Little Lamb," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Vulcan," "Hush Little Yoda," and "The Wheels on the Tardis." But you thang them in the wong order. Now you hafta thart over.
     
125. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-16 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-16 Pub. Date: 2017-02-16
Image Number: 154535
Caption: You'we gwounded, daddy. Why? You thed a cuth wowd. I did not say a cuss word. Yeth you did! You thed censored I can't believe I owe five censored thouthand dollarth! What did daddy tell you about listening at his door when He's doing his taxes? You're grounded.
     
126. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-15 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-15 Pub. Date: 2017-02-15
Image Number: 154534
Caption: The Chronicle wants to hire me back and send me to cover the whole ISIS thing. A few years ago, I'd have jumped at the chance, no matter how dangerous it is over there for journalists, because the truth is more important than me. But now, all I can think of is that my baby boy needs me. I'm his whole world. That makes me more important than anything. Does that make me a responsible parent, or a raging narcissist? A little raging narcissism is a good thing. Ph.D.
     
127. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-13 Pub. Date: 2017-02-13
Image Number: 154532
Caption: Sometimes America really disappoints me, Susan. Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the kid says he'll never be this and never do that, because he died in an avoidable childhood accident? My reaction was "with all these people watching … that commercial is probably going to save some child's life." America's reaction was "Hey! Save a kid some other time, I'm trying to eat a nacho here." I'm paraphrasing ... barely.
     
128. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-25 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-25 Pub. Date: 2017-01-25
Image Number: 153703
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested "pull her hair" ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
129. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-10 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-10 Pub. Date: 2017-01-10
Image Number: 153087
Caption: Too many women feel entitled. I blame every man who calls his little girl a princess. I told my daughter "You ain't no princess! Take off that @#$% tiara! Ain't nobody gonna 'take care of you' but you." Now that's "real talk." A lot of men feel "entitled," too. Not my son. Made him pay me room an' board ever since he was three. Two packs of bubble gum due first of every month.
     
130. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-06 Pub. Date: 2017-01-06
Image Number: 152859
Caption: I feel like a burrito right now, Clyde. You can't have no burrito, Big L. You a single dad raisin' a two-year-old baby. What'll happen to him if you drop dead of a heart attack? Parents who don't take care of theyselves an' don't watch they carbs an minerals an' such is selfish. Whatever. Give me back my burrito, Clyde. Somebody gotta look out for the children.
     
131. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-26 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-26 Pub. Date: 2016-12-26
Image Number: 152624
Caption: Hi momma. I'm back from Canada. It was beautiful there. Can I come visit you? I just want to see the old house. My old room. I don't know why. What do you mean "that'll be $125 a night"? I don't care what "the going rate" is on AirBnB. I'm your son … What do you mean try back in the off-season.
     
132. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-09 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-09 Pub. Date: 2016-12-09
Image Number: 151817
Caption: Three years ago. Dating's so much harder now that I have a child, Susan. I'm not just looking for someone who'll make me happy. I'm looking for someone who'll be good for my son, too. That pressure makes most of my dates end in miserable failure. Your dates have always ended in miserable failure, Lemont. Well, I've always known I'd someday be a father.
     
133. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-08 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-08 Pub. Date: 2016-12-08
Image Number: 151816
Caption: Three years ago. I had a date last night, but all I could think of was getting back home to tuck in my boy. What's wrong with me, Susan? My mom was a single parent, and I always wished I had my dad, too. Shouldn't I be trying to find a new mom for my son? What are you doing for the next 18 or so years? WASHING MY HAIR!!!
     
134. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-25 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-25 Pub. Date: 2016-11-25
Image Number: 151298
Caption: Tyrone? I miss the days when my mother held me to her breast and sang nursery rhymes to me. That's because you're gullible, Rosencrantz. Nursery rhymes are how they program us to accept the notion that there is no truth, that facts are fungible and open to interpretation. Take "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," for instance. We know exactly what stars are. We don't have to "wonder." Twinkle twinkle little star ... we know exactly what you are ... giant spheres of glowing gas ... powered by nuclear fusion ... Spare change?
     
135. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-21 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-21 Pub. Date: 2016-11-21
Image Number: 151294
Caption: 1982. If you could live anywhere in the whole wide world, where would it be? Other than here, I mean. Oh. Well … I think I would have to choose Canada. But only 'cause Atlantis is under water, and I can't swim. You could learn to swim. At my age? I should've learned when I was young. You are about to be seven. I feel like I wasted my youth.
     
136. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-20 Pub. Date: 2016-11-20
Image Number: 150529
Caption: No, I didn't have an imaginary friend when I was a kid. But I did imagine myself imagining an imaginary friend.
     
137. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-11 Pub. Date: 2016-11-11
Image Number: 150716
Caption: 1982. How come you never play Dracula tag with us at school? It's exciting! You start out with one person being "it," then whoever he tags is "it" also. And whoever they tag next is also "it," and so on. Before long, you have a whole yard of dozens of bloodthirsty vampires chasing the one lone survivor. That's scary! Momma says it prepares girls for dating. Don't look at me, I almost never understand what momma says, either.
     
138. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
139. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-09 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-09 Pub. Date: 2016-10-09
Image Number: 148825
Caption: Hello, you've reached Candorville county. This is Ryan 2.0. How may I hinder you? My son was mistakenly enrolled in Medicaid. I need him off that. Please listen carefully as our options may have changed. To discuss Medicaid eligibility, say "two." To report fraud, say "three." To report child or elder abuse, say "four." Two. To obtain a business license, say "five." "Two." To dispute a county tax lien or inquire about your property tax bill, say "six." "Two." To make a child support payment, say "seven." To send an inmate a care package, say "eight." "Two." I said TWO! TWO! TWO! TWO! Just put an actual person on the phone! That option is invalid. To purchase coroner gift shop merchandise, say "nine."
     
140. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-24 Pub. Date: 2016-09-24
Image Number: 148766
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Paying 30% interest on the bus ticket you helped me buy 20 years ago is more important to me than survival. So I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy bundling all my cash to send to you instead of using it to feed my child, pay my rent and keep my lights on. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm done making money appear out of thin air. Beep.
     
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