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Candorville

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101. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-23 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-23 Pub. Date: 2017-06-23
Image Number: 159392
Caption: This just in … Russia has persuaded its ally, the Dictator Santa Claus, to call for a ceasefire. In response, rebel elves have released their hostages and … Click … If passes, millions stand to lose their health insurance. Click … White supremacist activity is on the rise. A years-old report about how they were planning to infiltrate law enforcement is getting ... Click ... Won't you be my neighbor? It's Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, a land of make-believe ...
     
102. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-16 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-16 Pub. Date: 2017-06-16
Image Number: 159155
Caption: Clyde picks up Lemont's son Lionel from daycare. Don't feel bad. You ain't the first kid to get bullied. Your daddy got bullied. An' he a success now. Day Care. He did? Who bullied my daddy? 1979. Whack! Fonzie … That's not important right now. The point is, he overcame.
     
103. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-15 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-15 Pub. Date: 2017-06-15
Image Number: 159154
Caption: Clyde picks up Lemont's son Lionel from daycare. How do I make Brixton not be a buller? Hold on … lemme call your daddy … It's ringin'. Day care. Hello? Yo, Big L, some bully beefin' wit' little man. What you want me to tell 'im to do? The plane crashed at the North Pole! We were rescued by insurgent elves but now they're holding us hostage until the dictator Santa Clause agrees to a ceasefire and two weeks' paid vacation! Send help! got it. Later, bruh. Boop. Your daddy want you to shout a lot of nonsense so the bully think you crazy. I happen to concur.
     
104. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-13 Pub. Date: 2017-06-13
Image Number: 159152
Caption: C'mon, little man. We goin' to Uncle C-Dog place 'cause you pop's done gone to … wait … what's wrong, Bruh? Brixton. He's being not nice. Day care. Whachoomean? What Brixton done? He push you off the sings? He put sand in your hair? He take your dinosaur? Lionel. Sophie. He said my daddy is and "enema of the American people because he's a journalist." don't nobody take Lionel Brown dinosaur. Wait ... what? I told Ms. Karen but Brixton said it was fake news.
     
105. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-19 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-19 Pub. Date: 2017-05-19
Image Number: 158080
Caption: Tyrone, do you recall the days when we panhandled outside the theater? Of course, Rosencrantz. I remember them vividly. They were performing "King Lear," the Shakespeare play about the angry, vain old king who slowly descended into madness. He carved up the kingdom and gifted it to his children. He gave the largest piece to the daughter who flattered him the most. What happened at the end of the play? I don't know. Why do you ask? Spare change?
     
106. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-14 Pub. Date: 2017-05-14
Image Number: 157342
Caption: They got to him. I don't know how, but they got to him. Dr. Noodle. I should've seen it coming, though. After all, a guy who gets all butt-hurt about questions is the White House Spokesman in charge of answering questions. A guy who opposes paid leave and equal pay is in charge of the White House's responses to women's issues. A guy who doesn't believe in climate change is in charge of the EPA. A reputed bigot is in charge of enforcing civil rights. Trump even tried to put a guy whose company violated wage, hour and child labor laws in charge of the Department of Labor. I still don't think we know what Luke Skywalker meant by "it's time for the Jedi to end." I don't like Star Wars now that I know it's set in the Trump White House.
     
107. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-12 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-12 Pub. Date: 2017-05-12
Image Number: 157811
Caption: Remember how when we were kids, we'd be out playing for hours, by ourselves? Remember that construction site across the street? I used to hide behind the mounds of dirt and pretend I was Luke Skywalker hiding from sandpeople. I used to climb on the bulldozer and pretend it was an Imperial Walker. I still think you should let your little boy have a little more freedom. And let him get crushed by bulldozers? Are you insane?
     
108. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-04 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-04 Pub. Date: 2017-05-04
Image Number: 157548
Caption: I think you're just jealous, Clyde. Of what? Of me. Because I have a child. A little guy who looks up to me and loves me to death. A little guy I get to teach, and care for, and laugh and play with, and read stories to. A little guy I get to lead on a journey. Deep down, you wish you had what I have, Clyde. Admit it. I'll say it once mo' again: I ain't babysittin' for you tonight.
     
109. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-03 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-03 Pub. Date: 2017-05-03
Image Number: 157547
Caption: Why erebody always say "think of the children"? How'd that get all flipped 'round? When we was kids, no matter what crazy, deranged #@$% we saw, our mommas said "don't mind that, that's grown folk's business." When they all of a sudden decide that grown folks have to all be "Mister Rogers" instead of kids havin' to mind they business? It's apparent you're not a parent. You tell one more "dad joke" an' I won't be held responsible for my actions.
     
110. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-02 Pub. Date: 2017-05-02
Image Number: 157546
Caption: Did you read my article on Trump's first 100 days? Nah, bruh. No point. Me knowin' what he does ain't gonna change what he do. Big Cheeto impervious to public opinion, so I might as well not have one. Stop making stupidity sound like wisdom. It's irresponsible. Think of the children. What for? They don't think of me.
     
111. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156792
Caption: What brings you to therapy … "Steve"? I feel like everything is slipping out of my clutches. Dr. Noodle. I spent years cozying up to the boss, isolating him from the advice of others, stoking his paranoia. I subtly convinced him that everyone was against him and that he could trust no one but me and his family, and even they were a little fishy. I had him in the palm of my hand. I said "buy," he bought. I said "sell," he sold. I said "destroy," and he ruined the lives of the people I said were his enemies. I was the most powerful man in the world! I was the man behind the throne! Did I say I charge $100 an hour? I meant to say $1,000. But then I made the mistake of turning off his tv in the middle of Finding Dory. It's his favorite movie.
     
112. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-27 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-27 Pub. Date: 2017-04-27
Image Number: 157287
Caption: Clyde, if something ever happens to me … Don’t worry, bruh. I'll take you kid an' raise him up for you. I'll teach him all he need to know about life. He'll be the baddest two-year-old on the block. Ain't nobody gonna mess with him. I'll also teach him erethang you woulda taught him: I'll make him watch Star Track an' Doctor Boo an' some @#$% like that. Long as he ain't a snitch, we'll be cool. I was just going to say "call Susan."
     
113. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-26 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-26 Pub. Date: 2017-04-26
Image Number: 157286
Caption: Tell me again why you ain't gone to the doctor 'bout your heart, Big L? I lost my health insurance. I've saved all my life for a down payment on a house, so I'll have something to leave to my son. If I go to the hospital, I'll probably lose it all and he'll inherit nothing. But I have life insurance, so if I die, he'll inherit my savings and $2 million. This country be messed up, bruh. I've recorded 18 years' worth of advice and dad-jokes for him.
     
114. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-10 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-10 Pub. Date: 2017-04-10
Image Number: 156718
Caption: 1982. My momma said her friend Linda has breast cancer. How's she know? Planned Parenthood told her so. Which is weird. What does cancer have to do with parenthood? They do lots of things there. My mom goes there. That's how they found out she had high blood pleasure. Although I'm not sure why they all acted like that was a bad thing. Grownups never make any sense to me either.
     
115. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-29 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-29 Pub. Date: 2017-03-29
Image Number: 156199
Caption: If I had kids, I wouldn't want them having to take care of me when I'm old, Lemont. I know what you mean. I used to think that too, until I had a kid. I get a lot of joy taking care of him. Being the one he can depend on. Who am I to deny him the same joy? Taking care of me in my old age may be a great honor for him. A child is not a retirement plan. He is in a society that's not rotten to its core!
     
116. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-28 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-28 Pub. Date: 2017-03-28
Image Number: 156198
Caption: I've been wanting to see "get out" for weeks, Susan. I remember before I had a kid, I was at the movies every week. Now I don't have the time of the energy. I can't remember the last movie I saw that didn't involve a talking fish or a puppet. Reason #28,754 why I'll never have kids. On the other hand, movies won't change your diapers when you're old.
     
117. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-21 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-21 Pub. Date: 2017-03-21
Image Number: 155914
Caption: The judge gave me full custody of Lionel and gave Roxanne no visitation rights. But I thought it was important for my son to have his mother in his life too. And she is the mother of my son, so I care about her. So I've been taking him to visit her once a week. I'm not sure how to tell her I'm taking Lionel and moving to Canada. Is it even her business, if I have full custody? I never really know how to break sad news to people I care about. Wait ... you're moving to Canada??
     
118. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-20 Pub. Date: 2017-03-20
Image Number: 155913
Caption: I got a panicky call from Lionel's mother last night. She wanted to see him right that moment. But I told her Lionel was fast asleep, partly 'cause her tone worried me. She had one of those "I'm an evil vampire and I'm going to take your precious child and perform some ritual incantation that'll turn him into an evil blood-sucking vampire just like me" tones. I'm not sure there's really any "tone" like that, Lemont. That's because you've never kept in touch with an ex.
     
119. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-17 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-17 Pub. Date: 2017-03-17
Image Number: 155656
Caption: I should be unhappy. Dr. Noodle. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe. My website went down. I got mugged. A man laughed at me when I asked for help. But at night when I tucked my boy in, he squeezed my nose and said "I love you daddy." All of a sudden I was happier than I've ever been in my life. If your happiness depends on that, I'm going to clean up when he's a teenager.
     
120. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-08 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-08 Pub. Date: 2017-03-08
Image Number: 155381
Caption: It's as if people don't care if they're lied to, as long as the guy doing the lying is "their" guy. People love getting lied to, Lemont. That's what makes my job so fun. Crafting a good ad campaign is like sitting by the glow of a lamp and telling your sweet little child and a night-night story. Every good night-night story omits the gruesome details. I thought you hated kids. Oh, not at all. I love them ... in theory.
     
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