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Candorville

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381. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-14 Pub. Date: 2012-01-14
Image Number: 75073
Caption: Your ex is filthy rich. Very old money. Possibly billions. Well can't she give you child support? Every time I try to ask her, I just can't get the words out, and end up walking away fast. Either I have too much pride, or … That's it. But I haven't even gotten into my theory about her being a master hypnotist. Dios mio.
     
382. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-12 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-12 Pub. Date: 2012-01-12
Image Number: 75071
Caption: What do you mean I'm ineligible for unemployment insurance? You're not eligible if you quit your job without good cause. You don't think choosing to go get my son instead of going on an overseas assignment for a month was a good cause? If you want to plead your case, we can schedule an ignoring. You mean a "hearing"? What did I say?
     
383. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-11 Pub. Date: 2012-01-11
Image Number: 75070
Caption: I'm highly educated. I'm a hard worker. I've had a job - sometimes four at once - ever since I was 13. I'll find a job any day now. I've never had to use unemployment insurance in my life and I never will. Never! Daddy, I'm hungwee. Hello, you've reached the state unemployment office.
     
384. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-09 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-09 Pub. Date: 2012-01-09
Image Number: 75068
Caption: It's annoying when parents are so proud of every little thing their kids do. "Little Preston sat up today!" "Little Lillie smiled!" "Little Raheem made a boom-boom!" They're supposed to do all that. It's not exceptional at all. It's not like they told a really funny joke, like my little Lionel did today.
     
385. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-07 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-07 Pub. Date: 2012-01-07
Image Number: 74808
Caption: Hey, sir. Can you get me a beer? I've got money. How old are you? 36. Bank. I don't think so. I'm a 36-year-old egg.
     
386. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2012-01-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2012-01-02 Pub. Date: 2012-01-02
Image Number: 74803
Caption: Sup, Playa?* *How are you coping with being a single father who just lost his job? What's up, Clyde?* *I have to watch him all the time, and when I get a couple hours free I'm too tired to go look for work. Cough cough?* *Let's get a burrito. It'll cheer you up. Yawn* **Nah, gotta save my last $20 to feed Lionel.
     
387. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-31 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-31 Pub. Date: 2011-12-31
Image Number: 74744
Caption: So where is Lionel? I worked out a deal with Wanda, my neighbor. She runs an illegal day care center out of her apartment. She promised to watch Lionel a couple hours a day … and I promised not to turn her in. How sweet. We all have to do our part in this new economy.
     
388. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-24 Pub. Date: 2011-12-24
Image Number: 74338
Caption: Where did the kwithmath twee come fwum? Well that's an interesting story. It all started in A.D. 324 with Roman Emperor Justinian. Christian Romans worshiped Jesus, but pagan Romans worshiped the sun. Emperors Hadrian and Aurelian filled Rome with spectacular sun temples. There were annual festivals - incorporating a tree - celebrating the birth of the sun, which was said to be on December 25th. When Christianity supplanted paganism in Justinian's day ... ... it co-opted the pagan date of December 25, and the pagan use of the tree. Huh? The Christmas tree came from the forest. Oh.
     
389. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-22 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-22 Pub. Date: 2011-12-22
Image Number: 74336
Caption: Be honest, Lemont … Why aren't you getting a tree of gifts or dressing up like Santa for your little boy? Christmas shouldn’t be about material things. 'Cause I lost my job and can't afford it. Lemont, can I get Lionel a tree? I mean, I haven't had time to get him a gift, so it'd really help me out. Let me help you. No, thanks. Yes, please!
     
390. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-21 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-21 Pub. Date: 2011-12-21
Image Number: 74335
Caption: Are you gonna take Lionel to his mom's house for Christmas? Families should be together on Christmas. I called her. … And I don’t care if she was joking or not, she's pure evil. That's mean. Before hanging up on me, she said she only celebrates Halloween. Still, "evil"? She said they ate lawyer, with all the trimmings.
     
391. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-18 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-18 Pub. Date: 2011-12-18
Image Number: 73657
Caption: Would you say you have any flaws? Depends … Do you think always answering a question with a question is a flaw? Dr. Noodle. Do you feel the NEED to know whether I think answering a question with a question is a flaw before you can decide for yourself? PhD. Don't you get paid to provide answers? PhD. Does a math tutor get paid to do a child's homework for him? PhD. Does a rolling stone gather moss? PhD. Now you're just reaching. I won! PhD.
     
392. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-17 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-17 Pub. Date: 2011-12-17
Image Number: 74022
Caption: Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Luther. What did you call me? Luther. Why did you call me "Luther"? Becauth mommy thed that'th your name. Oh. "Loser." That'th what I thed!
     
393. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-16 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-16 Pub. Date: 2011-12-16
Image Number: 74021
Caption: I promise you your life is going to be better than mine. I promise you I'll never let anything bad happen to you. I promise you I'll always set a good example for you. I with you'd promith me you'll bruth your teeth.
     
394. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-15 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-15 Pub. Date: 2011-12-15
Image Number: 74020
Caption: … So them, Lamond's boss gave him a choice: He could go get his son … or he could do as he was told and go report from the war zone for a month … and keep his job so he could afford to feed his son. … So Lamond tossed his press credentials on his boss' desk, turned to leave, and said, "I guess I'll be doing my part to fight the childhood obesity epidemic." You have a funny nose. I see subtlety is lost on you. You look like a woman.
     
395. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-14 Pub. Date: 2011-12-14
Image Number: 74019
Caption: The little boy who never knew his father, swore he would find him when he grew up. "He looked here … "He looked there … "He looked everywhere. Google. Dad. "But one day, he found something even better than a father. He found a son. And he was as happy as can be." "OH DEAR GOD, NO!!!!"
     
396. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-13 Pub. Date: 2011-12-13
Image Number: 74018
Caption: Once upon a time, there lived a little boy. What wath hith name? "Lem …" Um … "Lamond." Oh. The little boy didn't know his father, and his mother refused to ever talk about him. What wath her name? "Momma." Oh. This little boy had no male role model other than the one he say on tv. What wath hith name? "Heathcliff Huxtable." Oh. Then one day this little boy had to start over because he lost his train of thought. What color wath hith twain?
     
397. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-12 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-12 Pub. Date: 2011-12-12
Image Number: 74017
Caption: Thtory. What was that? Thtory. Mommy telth me a thtory at night. Oh, well … Did she ever tell you the story of how a father loved his son so much that he gave up everything to be with him … So that he'd never see the same resentment in his son's eyes that Worf saw in Alexander's in season six episode three of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? Zzzzz. Everyone's a critic.
     
398. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-03 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-03 Pub. Date: 2011-12-03
Image Number: 73561
Caption: 1982. What are you gonna be in 2012? I've narrowed it down to two options. If we don't blow ourselves up, I'll be a cyborg captain of a starship, hunting for black holes I can use to travel back in time and capture dinosaurs. If we do blow ourselves up, I'll wear leather pants and roam the radioactive wasteland fighting mutants in order to bring a bucket of water and a little bit of peace to grateful orphans. It's good you have something to fall back on. Momma said that's important.
     
399. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-02 Pub. Date: 2011-12-02
Image Number: 73560
Caption: 1982. What do you think life'll be like in, say … 2012? Well if you look at the arc of mankind's progress, it'll be very different. We went from the Wright Brothers to the moon in just 66 years! At this rate, we'll have colonized Alpha Centauri and met the Klingons by 2012. Plus, we'll all be rich. Momma says every generation does better than its parents. I'll probably be the first one in my family to ever own a home. Not on Mars, though, that'd just be ghetto. Wow, I can't wait till 2012!
     
400. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-12-01 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-12-01 Pub. Date: 2011-12-01
Image Number: 73559
Caption: 1982. Momma says CEOs make something like 35 times more than what their workers make. Wow! I wonder what they do with all their money? Nobody can spend that much money in their whole lifetime. Maybe CEOs believe in reincarnation, so they're amassing all that loot to last for about thirty or forty lifetimes ... Because they're all Buddhists. That's kinda mean. "Buddhists" I said "Buddhists," Lemont. Oh, never mind, then.
     
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