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Candorville

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221. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-24 Pub. Date: 2015-03-24
Image Number: 124642
Caption: Hey. Lemont. Where's you boy Lionel? "Excuse me." Huh? When you want to get a grow-ups attention, Malcolm, you don't say "hey." You say "excuse me." No, I say "hey." Weren't you listening?
     
222. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-22 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-22 Pub. Date: 2015-03-22
Image Number: 124022
Caption: Great news, Clyde. What? You know how people always blame irresponsible, absentee black fathers for everything from crimes to low self-esteem to sagging jeans? Well, that's a myth. A Pew study shows that black fathers who don't live with their kids see them more than white or latino fathers in similar circumstances. yes, but black fathers be more than twice as likely not to live in the house, bruh. So it still average out to less involvement overall when you do the math. (Sigh) ... Math giveth and math taketh away. What an "eth"? What? What?
     
223. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-20 Pub. Date: 2015-03-20
Image Number: 124248
Caption: Where do babieth come fwom? Well, it's simple, son. You've heard of men? Uh huh. And women? Uh huh. Well, when men and women have relations, each of them contributes 23 chromosomes that combine to form a diploid cell that becomes a blastocyst, which undergoes a multi-phase gestation until it's ready to leave the womb. Babies come from the hospital. Oh.
     
224. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-15 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-15 Pub. Date: 2015-03-15
Image Number: 123843
Caption: Giuliani was right. Obama doesn't love America. When you love something, you love it warts and moles and all. You have a mole. In fact, when you love something, you don't even point out its warts and moles. I noticed it years ago, but I don't remember it being that big. Pointing out warts and moles only hurts your loved one's feelings. Dude ... You might wanna get that thing checked. Daily Nutjob. Obama wet bed as child, covered it up. Also confesses to having red "Little Red Riding Hood." You hate me, just like Obama hates America. Do you even OWN a mirror? Has aversion to pepper spray. Why?
     
225. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-13 Pub. Date: 2015-03-13
Image Number: 123672
Caption: I should be unhappy. Dr. Noodle. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe. My website went down. I got mugged. A woman laughed at me when I asked her out. M.A. But at night when I tucked my boy in, he squeezed my nose and said "I love you daddy." All of a sudden I was happier than I've ever been in my life. If your happiness depends on that, I'm going to clean up when he's a teenager.
     
226. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-13 Pub. Date: 2015-02-13
Image Number: 122693
Caption: Son, please go to sleep. Please? Not till you thing me a thong. Lionel, I just sang you a bunch of songs. I sang you "Spock Had a Little Lamb," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Vulcan," "Hush Little Yoda," and "The Wheels on the Tardis." But you thang them in the wong order. Now you hafta thart over.
     
227. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-12 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-12 Pub. Date: 2015-02-12
Image Number: 122692
Caption: You'we gwounded, daddy. Why? You thed a cuth wowd. I did not say a cuss word. Yeth you did! You thed (censored) I can't bewieve I owe five (censored) thouthand dollarth! What did daddy tell you about listening at his door when he's doing his taxes? You're grounded.
     
228. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-11 Pub. Date: 2015-02-11
Image Number: 122691
Caption: The Chronicle wants to hire me back and send me to cover the whole ISIS thing. Dr. Noodle. A few years ago, I'd have jumped at the chance, no matter how dangerous it is over there for journalists, because the truth is more important than me. But now, all I can think of is that my baby boy needs me. I'm his whole world. That makes me more important than anything. Does that make me a responsible parent, or a raging narcissist? A little raging narcissism is a good thing. Ph.D.
     
229. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-09 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-09 Pub. Date: 2015-02-09
Image Number: 122689
Caption: Sometimes America really disappoints me, Susan. Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the kid says he'll never be this and never do that, because he died in an avoidable childhood accident? My reaction was "With all the people watching … that commercial is probably going to save some child's life." America's reaction was "Hey! Save a kid some other time, I'm trying to eat a nacho here." I'm paraphrasing ... barely.
     
230. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-04 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-04 Pub. Date: 2015-02-04
Image Number: 122419
Caption: 1982. What'll life be like when we're 40? It'll be the 21st century, Susan. We'll have achieved all sorts of things. There won't be any poverty. Little kids won't have to go hungry. Russia won't be such a poopyhead. The Cold War will be over. We'll either all be friends because we're just so tired of being enemies, or we'll all be radioactive mutants. Either way, it'll be really cool. Momma says there won't be any more Vietnams because we learned our lesson ... Whatever that means.
     
231. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-30 Pub. Date: 2015-01-30
Image Number: 121965
Caption: Every single-parent feels this way, Lemont. When you look at your baby, you know everything he will one day be ultimately depends on you, and you alone. And every time someone else watches him, they're doing you a favor. Do you feel pathetic. I was going to say I felt very grateful. Oh. Never mind, then.
     
232. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-29 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-29 Pub. Date: 2015-01-29
Image Number: 121964
Caption: This morning, Lionel asked me how they make cereal, and I realized … I had no idea. How am I supposed to keep my baby boy from growing up to be a moron if I can't even answer simple questions? Anyway, I found a video about cereal-making on YouTube and showed it to him. The best brag hell be able to come up with when he's in school is "my dad can google better than your dad."
     
233. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-24 Pub. Date: 2015-01-24
Image Number: 121836
Caption: Thanks for watching Lionel for me so I can work, Clyde. Yeh, he a cool little dude. I watched the whole Gilligan's Island marathon and Lionel didn't bother me once. He quiet. He don't make no mess. In fact it's almost like he wasn't here at all. That's 'cause I haven't dropped him off with you yet. Whatever. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-01-09).
     
234. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-19 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-19 Pub. Date: 2015-01-19
Image Number: 121831
Caption: You think there'll ever be a white president? (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-01-01).
     
235. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-13 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-13 Pub. Date: 2015-01-13
Image Number: 121385
Caption: Too many women feel entitled. I blame every man who calls his little girl a "princess." I told MY daughter "You ain't no princess! Take off that @#%$ tiara! Ain't nobody gonna 'take care of you' but YOU." Now that's "real talk." A lot of men feel "entitled," too. Not MY son. Made him pay me room an' board ever since he was three. Two packs of bubble gum, due first of every month.
     
236. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-10 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-10 Pub. Date: 2015-01-10
Image Number: 121081
Caption: I don't have any family heirlooms to give to my little boy, Susan. What? You know, like a cool old watch, or a mysterious old ring. Something to connect him to his past. That's what you're for, Lemont. You mean when I die, I should have them turn my ashes into a ring? No, that's ... wait, they can do that?
     
237. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-27 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-27 Pub. Date: 2014-12-27
Image Number: 120260
Caption: Thanta. What? Thanta Cloth. Son, I'm getting you speech therapy. But I don't want thpeeth thewapy, I want a pwaythtathion and a yewwow wemote contwowed caw. New rule, son: You can only have something if you can pronounce it correctly. "Cowectwy" is in the eaw of the behowder.
     
238. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-26 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-26 Pub. Date: 2014-12-26
Image Number: 120259
Caption: I really don't see why you need to show your son "The Cosby Show." Is it because "Cliff Huxtable" raised you? He was the only father I ever knew, Susan. He taught me how to be a man. How to be a father. Yeah, but Lemont ... Your son has you. He doesn't need Bill Cosby. If we only had what we needed, we wouldn't have electricity, clothes or mouthwash. Don't. Change. The subject.
     
239. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-23 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-23 Pub. Date: 2014-12-23
Image Number: 120256
Caption: I want my baby boy to have the same values I have. So he needs to know the people who raised me. Don't look at me like that. I wasn't looking at you, Big L. I am not being defensive. If you want him to watch "The Cosby Show," that's your business.
     
240. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-21 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-21 Pub. Date: 2014-12-21
Image Number: 119939
Caption: When other people get attention, I'm not jealous, I'm happy for them. That's just the kinda guy I am. Like when my little brother, Halloween, has his day, I'm always the first to say 'good for you.' Everyone gets a turn to shine. I always get the whole month of November to myself, after all ... at least till Black Friday officially puts the spotlight on my big brother, Christmas. But this year, Chris sent out 'Black Friday' ads the day after Halloween! People just skipped right over me! The middle child usually has it rough. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for that overrated @*$%.
     
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