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Candorville

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201. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-07 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-07 Pub. Date: 2015-08-07
Image Number: 130587
Caption: You really should call your mom every day, Lemont. She was a single mom who spent every free moment with you. You were her life. Dang. When you put it that way, you make me feel like a real jerk for calling twice a week. Well you should. She wiped your nose. She held you, bathed you, changed you, taught you, and loved you when no one else did. Is she paying you? I don't see what that has to do with my being right.
     
202. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-06 Pub. Date: 2015-08-06
Image Number: 130586
Caption: Whachoo wanna watch, Big L? Anything but Sesame Street. My don't crazy about it. Sometimes he says "watch Elmo" over and over again for hours until I finally give in and turn it on. If I hear "La la la la la … La la la la … Elmo's world" one more time, I just might throw the tv into the East River. Parent be trippin'. Elmo should be considered a class 2 drug.
     
203. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-17 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-17 Pub. Date: 2015-07-17
Image Number: 129548
Caption: Didn't you say we had to get going, Tyrone? That was then, Rosencrantz. In the intervening moments, inertia has set in. Idleness. Sloth. Lethargy. Torpidity. Can you feel it, Rosencrantz? The dull comfort of lethargy, draped over us … soft and fluffy, like a child's blanky. We'll get going tomorrow, I'm sure. Read me a story, Rosencrantz.
     
204. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-11 Pub. Date: 2015-07-11
Image Number: 129286
Caption: I can't believe your son's almost three, and I've still never met him. When I won custody, my ex agreed not to appeal the decision as long as Lionel's never in your presence. Roxanne doesn't want Lionel to know there are women out there who're much nicer than she it. Yeah, well it's awful that she singled me out. She didn't. Legally, I'm only allowed to date ladies I meet on stuckupharpy.com.
     
205. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-10 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-10 Pub. Date: 2015-07-10
Image Number: 129285
Caption: I've known you were brilliant from the moment I met you, son. I bwilliant fwumma moment you met me. You've always done everything at least a year before you're supposed to. I alwayth done evwything a peath a yeaw befowe I thpth too. Watching you develop is like watching a computer boot up much faster than it ordinarily would. You lotht me on that one.
     
206. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-09 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-09 Pub. Date: 2015-07-09
Image Number: 129284
Caption: Pick another story, son. No! I want beaw! You threw the bear story out the window. It landed in a dumpster, and a mangy dog threw up on it. Do you really want your beloved father to climb into that mess, get bitten by that rabid dog, and possibly get hurt or sick, just to get that book? Yyyaaaaay! That was not an offer.
     
207. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-08 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-08 Pub. Date: 2015-07-08
Image Number: 129283
Caption: Do you know what story you want daddy to read you tonight? Beaw. Daddy can't read you the bear book because you threw it out the window earlier today. Daddy told you, when you throw things away, they're not yours anymore. Thtop it! You can't make consequences go away by saying "stop it." Thtop it!!!
     
208. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-07 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-07 Pub. Date: 2015-07-07
Image Number: 129282
Caption: I love you. … I love you. I loooove you. Come on, little man, you can say it: I love you. Can you say "I love you"? Can you thay "cake"? Cake. Cake. Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.
     
209. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-30 Pub. Date: 2015-06-30
Image Number: 129037
Caption: An 11-year-old boy was playing in his yard for 90 minutes after the school bus dropped him off … because his parents were stuck in traffic and couldn't get home to let him in. They were thrown in jail, charged with a felony, and their kids were taken away. When you have for-profit prisons, there's a lot of incentive to fill them by any means necessary. I still say if your son's never had a peanut butter sandwich, go ahead and make him one. If he turns out to have an allergy, they'd probably charge me with attempted murder.
     
210. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-24 Pub. Date: 2015-06-24
Image Number: 128673
Caption: Studies show that teachers are more likely to harshly punish black students than they are white ones who do the same things. Even black teachers do it. How am I supposed to feel comfortable sending my baby boy out into the world when I know this sort of stuff happens? They done called me a "troublemaker" from day one. Didn't do me no harm. Maybe I'll home-school him til he's got his Ph.D. it was educational. I be in the principal office so much that I learned exactly where he keep his spare house keys.
     
211. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-23 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-23 Pub. Date: 2015-06-23
Image Number: 128672
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two. Do not lean on door.
     
212. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-18 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-18 Pub. Date: 2015-06-18
Image Number: 128379
Caption: How's your son, Lemont? He's great! "He's great"? That's it? I just don't want to be one of those dads who's always going on and on and on about his kid. I don't want people to get sick of hearing about him. That's why I try never to post more than 1 photo of him on Facebook per hour. That's thoughtful.
     
213. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-17 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-17 Pub. Date: 2015-06-17
Image Number: 128378
Caption: Hi, you don't know me, but your son was bullying mine at the playground today and you didn't make him apologize. Who is this? How did you get my phone number? I took a photo of you as you drove off, and uploaded it to Google image search which linked me to your blog. I got your number from your domain name registry. I'm pretty sure that's stalking. Keep letting your gargoyle push my son off the swings with impunity, and you'll find out about stalking.
     
214. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-14 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-14 Pub. Date: 2015-06-14
Image Number: 127781
Caption: Nobody could've known, back in 2003, that invading Iraq would be a bad idea. What're you talking about? Millions of people knew it. Millions of us. Millions of us said the reasons the Bush administration gave for invading sounded like flimsy nonsense. Not having WMDs was Saddam's plot to embarrass us. Daily Nutjob. Obama wet bed as child, covered it up. Goodnight Grandpa. Millions of us said it would cause a lot of unnecessary death, totally wreck the balance of power, cost us money we couldn't afford, create new enemies, and be a huge unmitigated disaster. It was entirely possible to know. Millions of us knew. General: Iraq would be stable if we had occupied it for only 75 more years. Well, nobody knew the people who knew were right to know what they knew. You know? No. ISIS destroys ancient ruins, erect statue of founding father Dick Cheney.
     
215. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-06 Pub. Date: 2015-06-06
Image Number: 127780
Caption: Hello, mom, you've reached Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy being too permissive with my child, which as you say will lead him to a life of crime. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm done panhandling for his future bail money. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-04-27).
     
216. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-03 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-03 Pub. Date: 2015-06-03
Image Number: 127777
Caption: Don’t feel bad. It's normal to have these feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad parent as long as you don’t ACT on them. Dr. Noodle. I's normal to resent my own child for refusing to go to sleep till 4 A.M. every single day? Ph.D. Yes. Parents need some time to unwind at the end of the day. It's normal to imagine myself waiting till he does fall asleep, and then blowing a trumpet in his ear? Still normal. Ph. D. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-05-22).
     
217. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-01 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-01 Pub. Date: 2015-06-01
Image Number: 127775
Caption: Daddy was having a nice dream, son. What happened in it? I don’t know. I was awakened by the sound of springs breaking. When I looked at my clock, I saw that it was 3:17 A.M. Do you know what people are supposed to be doing at 3:17 A.M.? Ithn't thith one of the thingth you're thuppothed to tell me when I'm older? (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-05-20).
     
218. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-28 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-28 Pub. Date: 2015-05-28
Image Number: 127503
Caption: I'm gonna give you a phone number. For whom? No, for mom. She's supposed to be getting me a new dad. But she's slacking. I'm don't have number down yet, so I wrote them all down as words. That's a bunch of squiggles.
     
219. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-25 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-25 Pub. Date: 2015-05-25
Image Number: 127500
Caption: Whatever you do, don't fall asleep. Your eyes are not getting heavy. I know. You're not the least bit tired. I know. Reverse-psychology doesn't work. I know.
     
220. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-22 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-22 Pub. Date: 2015-05-22
Image Number: 127175
Caption: I'm sorry, Clyde. Whachoo talkin' 'bout? Yesterday I accused you of stealing my wallet, ordering $800 worth of junk from Amazon, and lying about it. I cussed at you, threw a drink in your face, and called your momma a Sasquatch. Turns out it was my baby boy who took my wallet and went on Amazon. I'm so proud of him! He's only two and he already knows how to order 57 bags of rabbit food. Oh, oh, oh. So when he take yo' wallet, it's cute. When I take it, it's "grand larceny."
     
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