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Candorville

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21. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-06 Pub. Date: 2019-05-06
Image Number: 177508
Caption: I applied for a Home Depot credit card, Susan. What? Why? You rent. How much Home Depot stuff could you need? Well, when I picked little Lionel up from Toddlerville day care and asked him what he learned today … he said they learned how to barricade the door and hide form an active shooter. This country is sick. Toddlerville told me they didn't have the budget for bulletproof doors, so I figured I'd build them some.
     
22. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-11 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-11 Pub. Date: 2019-04-11
Image Number: 177116
Caption: You know the worst part of renting instead of owning a home? Aside from not being able to create generational wealth for your children and all your descendants, I mean. You don't really have a good reason to hang out in Home Depot. You don't get to tear down walls and dig a lot of holes when you rent. Don't put limits on y'self, Big L. I tore down a wall just last week, I don't give a @#$%.
     
23. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-06 Pub. Date: 2019-04-06
Image Number: 177047
Caption: My baby boys' really into trains. So I bought a train bed, hand-painted in the colors of his favorite steam train. I ordered a handmade train quilt for it and got him train conductor pajamas. By the time it all arrived, he was really into monster trucks. So I sent it all back and ordered a bunch of airplane stuff. Wait - you did what? I'm getting ahead of the curve. He's not going to fool me again.
     
24. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-30 Pub. Date: 2019-03-30
Image Number: 176944
Caption: What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a man ordering coffee before? Best. Dad. Ever. I'll also have a raspberry muffin. What? Reason #7 not to have kids.
     
25. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-29 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-29 Pub. Date: 2019-03-29
Image Number: 176943
Caption: My boy asked me to sing him some nursery rhymes last night. So I sang him Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Mary had a Little Lamb. Then he demanded more, but I just … blanked. I suddenly couldn't remember any. So I sang him Purple Rain to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb. You ain't never been good under pressure, dawg. Then he asked me what weekend lover meant, so I had to pretend I'd fallen asleep.
     
26. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-12 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-12 Pub. Date: 2019-03-12
Image Number: 176725
Caption: My son asked me what my favorite number is. I thought Who has a favorite number? Then I remembered, I did. When I was a kid, I loved the number eight, because it reminded me of infinity. Nuh-uh, Big L. You tol' me you loved it 'cause it was the only number that reminded you of food. You sure? i remember being a much more profound kid.
     
27. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-08 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-08 Pub. Date: 2019-03-08
Image Number: 176628
Caption: Daddy, what is six twafficking? Uh … What? Where'd you hear that? You were on the phone talking about six twafficking in Flowida. Oh. Well, you know that you're not supposed to listen to Daddy's door when he's being a journalist. So what's it mean? … It means there are six kings in charge of traffic. Oh.
     
28. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-06 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-06 Pub. Date: 2019-03-06
Image Number: 176626
Caption: Son, Daddy has an important interview tomorrow. I need you to stop jumping. Ok. What do you mean ok? You're still jumping. I did stop jumping. What you see happening wight now is cawwed bouncing. And you let him get away with that? It's important to encourage any skills that could lead to being a lawyer.
     
29. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-02 Pub. Date: 2019-03-02
Image Number: 176502
Caption: What I believe. Part 480. My child is me. His body came first from me. His thoughts began as a reaction to me and to the world as I introduced it to him. When he judges me, I'm being judged but the most honest, innocent part of myself … So maybe my butt really IS getting big.
     
30. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-01 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-01 Pub. Date: 2019-03-01
Image Number: 176501
Caption: Whachoomean you want me to bring kale burgers to the barbecue?! I promised my son I wouldn't eat cows anymore. He said it's not right to eat anything with parents. Tell him it's ok, 'cause Uncle Clyde ate that cow' parents yesterday. Sigh … I'll get the kale.
     
31. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-28 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-28 Pub. Date: 2019-02-28
Image Number: 176500
Caption: Is your boy still worried red meat will kill you? No. Apparently I changed the subject. He asked me Daddy, what is red meat? So I said Usually it's a cow. He said A cowy? Why do you want to eat a cowy? A cowy doesn't want you to eat her! So instead of worrying that meat will kill me, now he's worrying that I'm going to eat all the animals. This is why I only eat with grownups. He tore up our zoo pass.
     
32. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-27 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-27 Pub. Date: 2019-02-27
Image Number: 176499
Caption: We had burglars last night. Little Lionel asked Why do you eat red meat all the time, daddy? I replied. I don't eat it all the time, son. And he said Oh … Why not? I replied Because that'd be bad for me. Why? he asked. So I said Too much causes high cholesterol and increases my risk of heart disease, diabetes, and maybe even cancer. Dios mio, Lemont. Once he stopped sobbing, he tried to dig the burger out of my mouth.
     
33. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-26 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-26 Pub. Date: 2019-02-26
Image Number: 176498
Caption: My baby boy asked me what I was eating. So I told him short ribs. He asked What are short ribs? So I said red meat. He asked Why is it red meat when it's brown? So I said Because when you cook red meat, it undergoes a chemical reaction that browns it. It's called the Maillard Reaction. So he said Why does a duck help you cook your meat? My theory is that children are just messing with us. So I said Maillard not Mallard.
     
34. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-19 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-19 Pub. Date: 2019-01-19
Image Number: 175845
Caption: I've never had so many people tell me to go !@#$ myself in my whole entire life, Susan. All I did was write an article called It's Time to Make Private Schools Illegal. You did what? The theory is, if the children of millionaires and billionaires had to go to public school, you can bet they'd make sure our public school systems were amazing. It's not a bad idea. Half the comments I got misspelled !@#$. So I wrote another article about how that proved my point.
     
35. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-25 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-25 Pub. Date: 2018-12-25
Image Number: 175585
Caption: My little boy was so happy when he woke up and saw all those gift-wrapped boxes with his name on them under the tree. Totally unrelated topic: Did you know that a lot of well-known concepts are lies? Like an apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's a lie ... and that thing about little kids not even caring if there's a toy ... and just being happy to play with empty boxes. That's a lie too. Dios mio, Lemont.
     
36. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-24 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-24 Pub. Date: 2018-12-24
Image Number: 175584
Caption: Hey mister, is Santa Claus real? Sorry, kid … I'm not supposed to talk about it. It's a rule. I'm supposed to tell you you have to ask your parents. It's rule 547,983 in the handbook they give you when you become a grownup. But YOU would know better than them. I know an elf when I see one. Santa Claus is a lie.
     
37. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-20 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-20 Pub. Date: 2018-12-20
Image Number: 175482
Caption: What should I get your two-year-old for Christmas, Big L? Lionel would love a bronze replica of the starship Defiant, from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. You a bad father, Big L. I said what's he want? That IS what he wants! … Also an adult sized Captain Sisko uniform he can grow into. BAD father. (This cartoon was previously published on 2014-12-04)
     
38. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-10 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-10 Pub. Date: 2018-12-10
Image Number: 175375
Caption: Hey! What time's the bus come? Excuse me. You're supposed to say excuse me, not hey. Didn't your parents ever teach you that? Excuse-me-not-hey, what time's the bus come? Are you being smart with me? No. I'm apparently being smart all by myself.
     
39. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-02 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-02 Pub. Date: 2018-12-02
Image Number: 174985
Caption: Big L, you want me to be Santa again for your boy this year? Let me think about that, Clyde … Last year, I woke up to find my two-year-old boy shocking a pigeon with a taser gun. He said Santa gave him the taser, said Don't tell your daddy, and then forgot to shut the window when he climbed down the fire escape. I tried mouth-to-mouth but the pigeon was long gone. I only had to spend nine days in jail for animal cruelty, but my boy was in therapy for four months. Not my fault. I told him to only use it for fishing. No I don't want you to be Santa this year!!!
     
40. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-30 child 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-30 Pub. Date: 2018-11-30
Image Number: 175158
Caption: What brings you to therapy today, Lemont? Ever since I had what most certainly was not a heart attack … I've realized I'm going to die one day. I'm worried about what that'll do to my son. M.A. I see. There comes a time when every person becomes aware of his or her own mortality. The key is to make sure you've prepared your son to pay your final therapy bill. What's the other key?
     
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